To not want to drive my friends car

[Sundaycoffee]

I am going on holiday next week with friends (within the UK).
The holiday is booked and paid for and we were going to use my friends car to do the 4 hour drive.
I am the only other driver in the party of 4 and now it has been sprung upon me that the drive needs to be split between me and my friend.
I drive a small car and hers is bigger so it's not an option to use mine and generally I am quite nervous in cars I am not familiar with, especially for such a long drive.
I would honestly rather drive the full way in my own car but it is not big enough for us all to fit in.
I have mentioned that I really don't feel comfortable driving the car. There will also be two other people plus a dog in the car.
We did a trip earlier this year year and I drove us there and back (albeit a shorter 2 hour journey each way) so it's not like I haven't done my share before.

Since I've mentioned it my other friend attending (non driver!) She has told me I'm being unreasonable and it's not fair to expect me not to split the drive and its caused a bit of awkwardness.

I just wish this had been discussed before booking and now I feel a little trapped into doing something I don't feel comfortable doing.

AIBU?

This should have been discussed before plans were finalised. I would not be comfortable driving a bigger and unfamiliar vehicle, especially on an unfamiliar route, with three friends in the car (tending to forget that the driver needs to focus on the driving).

I mean it would probably be fine. But people should be more mindful that being on the road is the most dangerous thing most of us do.

@gogogadgetgo

"I wouldn't be happy but for the attitude and not being told beforehand I wouldn't go. Not particularly because of the driving thing."

I agree with this totally ^^

I had something similar sprung on me once and I told them all to 'do one'. It's disrespectful and plain bad manners, apart from anything else

But it was ok for you to do it earlier in the year….

I would be furious and backing out of the holiday. I wouldn’t enjoy it at all after this and would be on edge all the time.

Why does her discomfort at driving a perfectly doable distance outweight your discomfort at driving someone else's car that you are likely not properly insured to drive?

Instead of phoning, just check your insurance policy … it tells you in black and white on you Certificate of Insurance! The driving other cars extension is only ever third party only cover.

If it were my car I wouldn't really want someone not used to it to have to drive it loaded up with people and a dog. Unless it was a really long drive. I would happily drive 4 hours on my own. I regularly do a 7 hour drive with the kids and it's fine.

I do sometimes wonder about the number of people with driving licences who are scared to do quite basic driving things. I would make sure I was insured properly, but otherwise this is not a big deal in the slightest. I know it is all about perception, but you are much safer on the motorway in your friend's larger car than you are in an AYGO (I used to have one - they are like a tin can).

Can you ask to drive it a few times before the trip to get uses to it?

YANBU

You need to be added to her insurance to be covered by more than 3rd party (This was cheaper than I expected when I did it short term with a friend; I temporarily couldn't drive and she temporarily had no car so it was to mutual benefit)

Driving with a car full of people/ animals is distracting and far from ideal whe adjusting to a strange, larger car.

DH has always had bigger cars. This isn't a major issue in itself and I'm happier on motorways/ dual carriageways where there's less calculating/ manouvering involved, my issue is that frequently big cars have poor ergonomics for short women drivers, and I find his current car too painful to drive for more than about 40 minutes as I cramp up from locking my legs up to reach the pedals at tight angles. My car isn't small, it's just more ergonomic for me, they're both 7 seaters!

I do drive his for shorter phases to break up a longer journey if necessary, I just physically can't drive it for long periods. We'll plan to use my car if the driving needs to be shared more equitably, but it does have a bit less capacity.

This should have been discussed at the planning stage. It's not necessarily an unreasonable proposal in principle, but dumping it on someone last minute and guilting them when they have legitimate reservations is unreasonable.

From knowing fed-up driver/ non-driver friends, I wonder if there's an issue of the driver feeling put-upon and realising that there's an "easy" option to delegate that responsibility to.

I second the point that big cars can be easier to drive. I like my small car, but fairly recently found myself having to drive a big people carrier. Like you, I was initially somewhat terrified, but found I really liked the fact that I was higher up and had better visibility, and that people tended to keep out of my way. I'll admit that I still wimped out by totally refusing to do any reverse parking, but that was all.

Having said all that, I also agree that I can't really see why a 4 hour journey needs to be shared anyway unless the other driver has some sort of medical condition. On the whole on a long journey I would rather be a driver than a passenger, because having to concentrate on driving seems to make the time pass more quickly.

I used to be an extremely nervous driver then got a job that forced me to drive lots of different vehicles (including Land Rovers with no power steering and tractors!) and it really helped my confidence. You might be surprised at how easy you find it.

I would be annoyed at it being sprung on me though!

If you really don't want to do it you could find a reason to drive your own car there. Perhaps something that means that you will have to leave later than they want to or a possibility that you might need to go home early. And think carefully about future trips with this lot because they seem very focussed on how useful you can be to them over your comfort.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to share the driving, but equally I don't think it's reasonable to bully someone into it if it's clear that they really don't want to. I think should friends make allowances for each other's quirks, for instance one of my friends won't eat in front of strangers so if we're meeting up and there are some new (to her) people coming we just do coffee and not lunch. All my friends know that I hate being driven, so if we go anywhere in the same car they always let me be the driver.

Unless her insurance covers any driver, you would be driving on your insurance which won't cover any damage to her car. I think thats how it works, if I was you I'd check with your own insurance first and then ask her to check with hers

A bit of a different situation but a few years ago I drove me, my dc and a friend to a festival in my large car (7 seater). While we were there, I had an accident and couldn't drive home (2.5/3 hours drive). Fortunately my friend could drive and even though she herself only drove a small car, she stepped up and drove my car full of camping gear, me and my dc home.

She drove cautiously but was absolutely fine. I think a little run or two in her car to get your confidence and you'll be fine. But definitely make sure you are properly insured. We didn't have the option to do that so had to reply on her being insured through her own insurance.

You need to check your own insurance if you are not a named driver on her policy. A lot of insurers don't automatically cover you in other cars any more (in 10+ years of driving I've never had an insurer give this coverage).

And you would claim on your insurance if it covers your, or hers if she puts you in as a named driver, but regardless you would need to declare it on your insurance in future if you crashed her car.

I'd be concerned about this too. I'm much more confident driving now that I drive every day, but a few years ago I wouldn't have been happy to do this. I too drive a small car. You get very used to how your own car works, where the controls are, the width of the car. A lot will depend on where you'll be driving. On wider roads, fine. If you're having to drive on country lanes or along narrow roads with parked cars then it will feel awkward as you're not used to the width of the bigger car.

Definitely get the insurance sorted. Don't feel pressured to drive faster than you're happy to (or the speed limits) because if you're caught on traffic cameras exceeding the limit then the police always want to know who was driving so that they get the points. Agree with your friend who will be paying the excess on any insurance claim if you have an accident while you're driving. Likewise, agree upfront what will happen if you have a minor scuff and the owner doesn't want to go through her insurance - will she expect you to pay for the repairs?

If it's non negotiable then I'd be asking the friend to take you out for a couple of test drives beforehand so you can get a feel for her car.

"Last time we went away I did the drive there and back, plus all the day trips while we were there and didn't ask anyone to help.
I just wish it was discussed prior so I could have made an informed decision about what I wanted to do"

Can I ask about this please OP? Was this with the same group of people, or different? If it's the same group (or at least included the driver) I'd be telling them to stop being such hypocrites. If they don't split the driving with you, why would you expect to split the driving with them?

Overall though, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I used to hate driving a car DH had years ago - so much bigger than mine, different visibility out the back, the shape of the car made me less sure about where my 'corners' were - I hated it. And I was insured on this car, it doesn't sound as if your feckless friends have even considered insurance. And frankly, four hours is not that bad. I used to drive 6-7 hours Midlands to Glasgow regularly. A loo break in the middle, all fine. The other driver should have raised splitting the driving well before now.

OP may indeed gain some driving confidence from driving friends car, but it's hardly a relaxing start or end to the holiday, particularly as the car will doubtless be full to the brim of stuff so lower visibility than normal and lots of distractions from dogs and other people.

Plus again I don't see why some posters care that some of us have driving limitations, what does it matter to you ? I'm perfectly happy and safe driving my smallish Audi why do I need to drive a big car to get some invisible super driver badge ?

I agree with this, you’ll get used to it quickly and I think you should just suck it up, do some practice runs and ask everyone to be quiet while you’re doing the driving

you’ll be fine

You need to split the drive with your friend. Its not fair to expect her to do all the driving. You'll her used to the car in no time. I was so nervous when I traded in my tiny car for a huge one, I was settled within the 30 minute drive home. Just don't do any parking.

The CF non drivers can pay for dinner to thank you both for chauffeuring them.

Oh, and definitely raise with the car owner how she'd feel if you damaged her car through unfamiliarity / discomfort.

Driving an unknown car when you feel nervous and are distracted by friends chatting is something that some people would be fine with, and others wouldn't. I think the fact that you're nervous just shows that you're careful about these things. A few practice runs would help but the bigger issue is the insurance. Do not get in her car without clarifying this. You can check your policy and hers before deciding how to proceed.

Also I don't think a 4 hour drive needs to be split. Is this much further than the trips that you've taken them on?

Firstly, non drivers can fuck right off....they get no say at all!

Secondly, 4 hours isn't a long drive but I do understand why your pal might want to share it as it definitely is harder to get involved in all the silliness and fun chat when you're the one driving.

You can take out single day or weekend insurance policies (it's what my friend and I do when we go on holiday together, we share the return leg as we would typically overnight fly back to an airport 4 hours from home)!

I went from driving a small ford to driving a long wheel base transit van......I'm cautious in the bigger vehicle. But I took it out for a spin round the local industrial estate before committing and when I drive it I'm just careful in the town.

If you're not adverse to the driving itself, I agree that maybe offering to do some of the motorway bit would be sufficient, but say you're not comfortable doing the town driving.

I am going to look unsympathetic here but honestly, suck it up. If you have a drivers license, you should be able to drive any car within the category for which your license is. Sure, you're probably not going to want to do tight manoeuvring and parking in small spaces, but getting in the car and driving on the motorway should be no big deal.

Any additional insurance costs should be covered by the non-drivers, as their contribution.