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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive my friends car

308 replies

Sundaycoffee · 15/06/2022 11:46

I am going on holiday next week with friends (within the UK).
The holiday is booked and paid for and we were going to use my friends car to do the 4 hour drive.
I am the only other driver in the party of 4 and now it has been sprung upon me that the drive needs to be split between me and my friend.
I drive a small car and hers is bigger so it's not an option to use mine and generally I am quite nervous in cars I am not familiar with, especially for such a long drive.
I would honestly rather drive the full way in my own car but it is not big enough for us all to fit in.
I have mentioned that I really don't feel comfortable driving the car. There will also be two other people plus a dog in the car.
We did a trip earlier this year year and I drove us there and back (albeit a shorter 2 hour journey each way) so it's not like I haven't done my share before.

Since I've mentioned it my other friend attending (non driver!) She has told me I'm being unreasonable and it's not fair to expect me not to split the drive and its caused a bit of awkwardness.

I just wish this had been discussed before booking and now I feel a little trapped into doing something I don't feel comfortable doing.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/06/2022 17:12

Amazing you can see the nuance in your own comments but not in someone else's.

Adamantspants · 15/06/2022 17:30

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/06/2022 17:12

Amazing you can see the nuance in your own comments but not in someone else's.

Look at the end of the day, you were being a bit mean. It really is a thing having a fear driving a big car. A real big fear. You might see that as silly or not pushing yourself out of your comfort zone or being anxious over nothing.

I can assure you it is not nothing. Why anyone would suggest putting a nervous and anxious person behind the wheel of a big car they have never driven before when they have clearly stated they don't feel comfortable in, that is dangerous in my opinion.

Katkinsgreyy · 15/06/2022 17:31

See I wouldn't want someone else driving my car! Especially if they were anxious about driving to begin with.

BigDaddio · 15/06/2022 17:36

RandomQuest · 15/06/2022 12:07

For starters, the non driver doesn’t get to have an opinion on driving so ignore them.

I see this from both sides, it’s understandable that your friend wants to split the drive, it’s also understandable that you’re nervous about the car. Friend with the big car is definitely in the wrong for not bringing this up when plans were being made though. Could you compromise and offer to drive a motorway leg (if that’s an option) just to give your friend a break?

Basically this....Although I voted YABU (sorry) as myself / my wife would have no (or not much) issue with driving another car. But its not fair that they didn't discuss this with you earlier so you could at least get your head around the idea.

GCRich · 15/06/2022 17:42

ArtVandalay · 15/06/2022 16:44

It’s just a car. I drive a mini, by husband has a massive car. I honestly don’t see much difference in driving either.

Go for a practice in it. I’d be pissed off if I had to do a 4 hr drive, tbf.

Would you arrange a 4hour drive in your car with friends, and after having it all booked up tell one of the friends that you need her to drive half way? Or would you discuss who does the driving before booking?

LimpBiskit · 15/06/2022 18:03

Why would you need to split a 4hr drive? That's not a long time at all.

Alwayscheerful · 15/06/2022 18:11

SausageAndCash · 15/06/2022 17:09

OP: unless you are a named driver on her policy, you are driving covered by your policy, and you will only be covered for third party, fire and theft.

Personally I would not drive someone else's car unless I was on their Comprehensive policy, nor would I want anyone to drive my car without Comprehensive. The expense and awkwardness if the side got scratched or you back into a post (anyone can do it) is just not worth the risk.

So definitely discuss this.

Are both your cars automatic?

Honestly - if you do a motorway stint you will have no difficulty whatsoever driving a bigger car. But tell her you will need a practice go to get used to her car, and where everything is.

If she thinks this is wimpy, tell her that we all a have our preferences, and for you, a 4 hour drive would be no big deal.

Honestly, a car journey is a car journey, god knows why she can't manage a 4 hour drive. But you will feel the same about driving a bigger car once you have given it a go.

Don't let it spoil your hol.

This

evilharpy · 15/06/2022 18:21

LimpBiskit · 15/06/2022 18:03

Why would you need to split a 4hr drive? That's not a long time at all.

I couldn't do a 4 hour drive by myself. I'm very far from being a driving wimp, I'll happily drive any car/van and have bo problem with any type of road, central London, whatever. But I start nodding off after a couple of hours, and a quick coffee and bit of fresh air wouldn't wake me up enough for long enough. I also have a back issue that driving exacerbates and that driving for that long would leave me in pain for several days. Purely physical reasons.

I imagine 4 hours would be too long for lots of people for many reasons.

I really don't get why people are afraid of driving larger cars though, one car does the same as another. I would be more wary of small cars with weedy engines as it's far harder to nip into gaps in traffic.

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 18:46

Whereas I'd be happy enough to drive for 4 hrs in my own car, but not happy at all to drive a large car with 4 passengers, 2 dogs and packed to the brim with suitcases.

Funny how we're all different.

GladAllOver · 15/06/2022 20:25

OP unless you are a named driver on her policy, you are driving covered by your policy, and you will only be covered for third party, fire and theft.

How many times must this be corrected? Most policies do not now allow third party use of another car. Check youy own policy before assuming you can do this, and do not suggest others to do it.

NumberTheory · 16/06/2022 02:23

GCRich · 15/06/2022 17:42

Would you arrange a 4hour drive in your car with friends, and after having it all booked up tell one of the friends that you need her to drive half way? Or would you discuss who does the driving before booking?

Show quote history

I would probably assume people were up for driving. None of my friends would bat an eye at the idea. I'm sort of surprised at how many people on here are intimidated by the idea. (Only sort of because many posters on MN exhibit a degree of cowardice about a huge range of things that I find pretty sad and a bit worrying).

wombat1a · 16/06/2022 04:27

You need to be added to her insurance policy to have any chance of being covered fully comp. If you have TPFT on your car then its quite likely your policy does not cover you at all for her car. If you are full comp on your car then you might have TP cover for hers but you must check beforehand.

HomeTheatreSystem · 16/06/2022 07:09

YANBU. I am happy driving any size car, will do all the driving on long journeys ieo 4 hrs (with breaks as needed!), quite happy to switch from manual to automatic, BUT in left hand drive countries, I will not drive because I feel that I would be at high risk of causing an accident. That's my limitation where driving is concerned. Yours is the size of car. Your friend's seems to be the journey duration. I don't think any of them have the right to pressure you in to doing something you feel uncomfortable with (esp CF non driver) and tbh they sound a bit bullying.

Have you checked if your friend is reluctant to drive 4 hours on the basis of fairness or because she physically can't manage that length of journey in one go? If the latter, then can you split the journey and stop overnight on the way? If it's on the basis of fairness, she should have thought about that when planning a long trip with 2 others in the car who can't drive. You could be equally cuntish about it and say I'll drive but only a quarter of the way.

There are other things which might give you a get out if you feel you have to cave in on this. Is your driving licence for an automatic or a manual? If it's automatic, then you can't drive a manual (if her car is). As PP have said too, check the issue with the car insurance. Not just if you're insured but what excesses you'd be exposed to in the event of an accident. Either one of these might give you the get out you need.

Lunar27 · 16/06/2022 07:53

Given there's another thread about not dating a man who can't drive, it seems we need another one for weeding out those who are unable to drive anything larger than a small hatchback 😉

My wife has baulked a number of times during our marriage. We've mostly had two cars but she was worried when I bought an auto as she wouldn't be able to drive it. 5 minutes later she wondered why we hadn't bought one sooner. Then again when I bought a 5 Series. She'd never driven anything so big but 5 minutes later she was smitten.

I guess it helped that I knew her limits but am sure it's nothing OP. Perhaps you could plan the journey and drive motorways and dual carriageways only? A bigger car makes less difference out of town.

Meraas · 16/06/2022 07:55

They are being very unreasonable springing this on you considering they were happy for you to do all the driving in your own car.

Goldencarp · 16/06/2022 08:16

Maybe a few practice drives to get you used to it? Driving a bigger car is sometimes easier so don’t be put off bt that.

Saying all that it’s 4 hours not 14! Why does it even need to be split!

Bingbangbongbash · 16/06/2022 08:22

Honestly, I’m shocked at how many people are such nervous drivers. Cars are cars. You’re not being asked to tow a trailer or operate a fork lift. Just get in it and drive; after 5 minutes it’ll be natural.

Frankly, if it isn’t, you aren’t a competent driver and shouldn’t be on the road.

kittykarate · 16/06/2022 09:37

I struggle driving other cars, I'm too bloody short for most of them so I end up sat in really uncomfortable positions, with my legs and feet going numb just so I can bottom out the clutch whilst not having my tits wedged in the steering wheel. Even if I manage all that, then putting the bloody handbrake on requires near dislocation of my shoulder to reach far enough back around the seat. The size of the car body doesn't really bother me, but being able to see out of them really matters!

It would be my idea of hell driving someone else's car, whilst they roll their eyes as I have to adjust the seat height/pitch and mirrors so much from their settings.

I'm willing to 'try' any car, but it has to be solo for at least an hour so I can work out all of the problems without having to deal with people yammering around me.

SpeckledlyHen · 16/06/2022 13:17

Bingbangbongbash · 16/06/2022 08:22

Honestly, I’m shocked at how many people are such nervous drivers. Cars are cars. You’re not being asked to tow a trailer or operate a fork lift. Just get in it and drive; after 5 minutes it’ll be natural.

Frankly, if it isn’t, you aren’t a competent driver and shouldn’t be on the road.

I couldn't agree more and said as much upthread. You learn to drive. You don't learn to drive a Toyota Aygo and then drive that one vehicle for life. Learning to drive means you can drive any car. Yes it might take a few miles to get used to it but really size doesn't matter unless you are trying to squeeze into a space and do not have any mirrors or sensors (most cars at least have mirrors...). I worry about the competency of drivers that say they can't drive different cars or go on the motorway etc. My friend's daughter passed her test first time and two days later drove over 200 miles on the motorway with no issue at all in a new car.

QuestionableMouse · 16/06/2022 13:38

kittykarate · 16/06/2022 09:37

I struggle driving other cars, I'm too bloody short for most of them so I end up sat in really uncomfortable positions, with my legs and feet going numb just so I can bottom out the clutch whilst not having my tits wedged in the steering wheel. Even if I manage all that, then putting the bloody handbrake on requires near dislocation of my shoulder to reach far enough back around the seat. The size of the car body doesn't really bother me, but being able to see out of them really matters!

It would be my idea of hell driving someone else's car, whilst they roll their eyes as I have to adjust the seat height/pitch and mirrors so much from their settings.

I'm willing to 'try' any car, but it has to be solo for at least an hour so I can work out all of the problems without having to deal with people yammering around me.

How tall are you? I'm 5'1 and have driven everything from a C1 to a jumbo transit without any of those problems.

Dizzywizz · 16/06/2022 20:29

I’m just under 5’1” and of course have to adjust seat and mirrors etc to allow for height dif between me and Dh ….surely that’s normal?!

Eeksteek · 17/06/2022 00:18

QuestionableMouse · 16/06/2022 13:38

How tall are you? I'm 5'1 and have driven everything from a C1 to a jumbo transit without any of those problems.

Show quote history

Might depend on your leg length. I have a stupid short body, which means I can manage the pedals without being too close, but my visibility is often poor cos the top
of the steering wheel is in my eyeline. All my cars have a sheepskin on the seat, which gives me a vital couple inches boost (and is lovely and warm in winter)

driving position is definitely something I have to give more thought to than the average person, but I’ve never met anything I couldn’t drive at all. Just some
are more comfortable than others.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 17/06/2022 08:12

SpeckledlyHen · 16/06/2022 13:17

I couldn't agree more and said as much upthread. You learn to drive. You don't learn to drive a Toyota Aygo and then drive that one vehicle for life. Learning to drive means you can drive any car. Yes it might take a few miles to get used to it but really size doesn't matter unless you are trying to squeeze into a space and do not have any mirrors or sensors (most cars at least have mirrors...). I worry about the competency of drivers that say they can't drive different cars or go on the motorway etc. My friend's daughter passed her test first time and two days later drove over 200 miles on the motorway with no issue at all in a new car.

Show quote history

Unless you are short when it may be impossible to find a safe driving position in many cars.

My Mum drives the same car as the OP, she struggles to drive lots of cars as the seats aren't adjustable enough to enable her to floor the clutch, and see over the dash without having the steering wheel wedged into her abdomen. It really restricted the purchase of family cars as very few big enough to fit two growing children were suitable for her to drive. It is even more of an issue now with airbags meaning sitting close to the steering wheel is dangerous.

Mariposa80 · 17/06/2022 12:33

I'll drive anything, I've driven minibuses, SUVs, minivans, tiny cars, automatics, manuals but these have all been for work or rentals. I wouldn't want to drive a friends car because of the insurance situation.

LateAF · 17/06/2022 12:44

SpeckledlyHen · 16/06/2022 13:17

I couldn't agree more and said as much upthread. You learn to drive. You don't learn to drive a Toyota Aygo and then drive that one vehicle for life. Learning to drive means you can drive any car. Yes it might take a few miles to get used to it but really size doesn't matter unless you are trying to squeeze into a space and do not have any mirrors or sensors (most cars at least have mirrors...). I worry about the competency of drivers that say they can't drive different cars or go on the motorway etc. My friend's daughter passed her test first time and two days later drove over 200 miles on the motorway with no issue at all in a new car.

Show quote history

To be fair I bought the same car I learnt to drive in and I won’t drive and haven’t driven anything else. Took me ages to learn distances, even my instructor commented on it and spent hours extra time just trying to teach me to pull up. I was very lucky that my driving test didn’t include a parking manouvre as I would have failed at that point (I had extra lessons again on parking after I passed).