To not want to drive my friends car

[Sundaycoffee]

I am going on holiday next week with friends (within the UK).
The holiday is booked and paid for and we were going to use my friends car to do the 4 hour drive.
I am the only other driver in the party of 4 and now it has been sprung upon me that the drive needs to be split between me and my friend.
I drive a small car and hers is bigger so it's not an option to use mine and generally I am quite nervous in cars I am not familiar with, especially for such a long drive.
I would honestly rather drive the full way in my own car but it is not big enough for us all to fit in.
I have mentioned that I really don't feel comfortable driving the car. There will also be two other people plus a dog in the car.
We did a trip earlier this year year and I drove us there and back (albeit a shorter 2 hour journey each way) so it's not like I haven't done my share before.

Since I've mentioned it my other friend attending (non driver!) She has told me I'm being unreasonable and it's not fair to expect me not to split the drive and its caused a bit of awkwardness.

I just wish this had been discussed before booking and now I feel a little trapped into doing something I don't feel comfortable doing.

AIBU?

Why not? Motorway driving is just driving forward in a straight line. What is so scary about that? And presumably the dog will be restrained (as that's the law).

Oh grow up. The amount of posters on this site who will absolutely not push themselves out of their comfort zone for anything is absolutely astonishing. And then we wonder why so many people are claiming anxiety for getting out of the most mundane of tasks. Sure if you're happy trundling along never improving or enhancing your life, or making someone else's that tiny bit easier because it might make you nervy for ten minutes, then crack on. But it's not 'nasty' or being an arsehole to point out that this is making a mountain out of a molehill

I don't think you've read all the very sensible suggestions on this thread about why this might not be a good idea particularly relating to insurance. Driving an Aygo is a very different proposition to driving a large car with 3 other people and a dog in it.

And I'd rather someone drive to their abilities, rather than "pushing themselves outside their comfort zone". We're all more likely to live longer that way. Of course you have to drive to get more confident, but it is entirely possible to manage to live your entire life without driving a large car.

Totally agree. Surely, when you learn to drive, you learn to drive, which means you can drive a car, any car. I honestly wonder too how many people manage to get on in life when they are so scared of everything. However, I have never wanted to be reliant on anyone so I just tend to go out and do things. If that includes hiring a van (done it many times), or pulling a trailer or driving a new car I just get on and do it, yes it might take a few miles to get used to a new vehicle but essentially they all work the same way which you were taught when you learnt to drive.

At 4 hours, sharing the drive is fair. That presumes working out the insurance.

I would just make sure you take the easier part of the drive. Your friend should be navigating anything complicated. You should cover the boring stretch if there is one.

I would just totally refuse to do this, but I dislike driving anyway even though I can.

I'd tell her that I was not on her insurance and had no wish to be on it. I'd also tell her that I was not happy to go with the third party option even if it was available.

That's me. To be honest, I'd rather not go on the break. I might be better if I could go in my own car or on public transport.

This is irking you because it's pushing against your boundaries and it's fine to have boundaries and it's fine to not want to do something that makes you uncomfortable. You are not being unreasonable to be bothered by this for several reasons:

a) If anything goes wrong with the car while you're driving, e.g. it breaks down, they will probably expect you to foot the bill on the basis that "you were driving it at the time so it must be your fault".
b) You are probably not insured, at which point you need to sort this out properly. Don't let your friend fob you off, it's not them that will get done for driving without insurance if you get stopped by police.
c) A long-distance drive is absolutely NOT the way to get started driving a big car that you're not comfortable driving.
d) They sound like the sort of CFs who will conveniently be too drunk or too ill or too lazy to do their share of the driving at which point you could face being lumbered doing all of the driving.
e) If you crash their car (heaven forbid), what sort of reaction do you think you would get? Would they understand you're in an unfamiliar vehicle or would they hold it against you forever more?

I really wouldn't want to go on holiday with anyone who just randomly pushes something like this on you at the last minute without even troubling themselves about whether it's legal. It's a recipe for disaster.

This needed to be discussed at the planning stage. What kind of friends are these that try to bully you into something you're not comfortable with? Depending on how close you are to them, I would seriously reconsider this holiday.

I think your attitude to being asked to do something you’re uncomfortable with as your unfamiliar is really, really poor.

So you aren’t used to it - not surprising or unreasonable to be uncomfortable with that. But not a reason to not do it. Why haven’t you just asked for an opportunity to get used it? At least then you’ll know if it’s actually going to be awful.

Is there more to this? Because if that’s your general approach to things you’ve not done that might be a bit challenging it’s kind of cowardly and makes you inflexible and a bit limited as a friend.

It's being a MASSIVE bellend. Everyone is afraid of something. She happens to be afraid of driving a bigger car than she is used to. So am I, to the point where I would flatly refuse. I could get up and speak in front of 10,000 people, handle a snake, jump out of an aeroplane with absolutely no bother but this would absolutely put the shits up me to do.

I am not making a mountain out of a molehill, you cannot tell someone what they can and cannot be anxious about. Who the hell are you to decide what is eligible for anxiety?

You crack on and do some work on yourself and learn some fucking empathy.

YANBU. If a journey has been planned by car then the owner of the car drives the car. If the owner of the car wants someone else to drive then they should check before planning the journey.

I would say, "I feel really uncomfortable. I don't want to drive a big car. It did not cross my mind that you would want me to drive your car and you should have ASKED ME before we booked. The fact that you are asking me after booking is making me feel uncomfortable - instead of just saying "no" and risking the holiday had you asked me first, I feel I am cornered and being pressured. As a matter of principle I don't do things that I would only be doing because I have felt bullied into it. I would be so resentful."

If you can drive then you can drive any car. As your friends is bigger then I would say if there’s any parking involved she does that but, but as for driving then you should just do it. I suggest offering to do the first 2 hour stint as you won’t be as tired. If you really feel you can’t do it then I suggest you should go for extra driving lessons as you don’t sound confident enough to be in charge of any vehicle

I regularly do 4+ hour drives. I am assuming it will be 4 hours there and 4 hours back, but not in one day?

I can’t see why the driving needs to be split.
your friends are being totally unreasonable.

YANBU it should of been discussed when the trip was planned and you did all the driving last time.
I know you said your car isn’t big enough but I think you should just offer, say you will happily drive your car but not hers. Or you could both drive your own cars and then you can split the driving for day trips once you get there.

Op has more than done her share. She drove there and back last time. No one shared with her. There’s 4 of them. Op had a turn last time. There’s 3 others to take a turn now. If the only way the trip could go ahead was for Op to drive again then they should have asked before booking.
Implying she’s making things awkward is them them not being a good friend to her.

What make/model is her car? All cars work in the same way (unless manual vs auto), but driving a bigger car isn't any harder! Motorway driving is much easier/more pleasant in a bigger car - better road position, visibility, acceleration... If you're going somewhere very remote, with loads of driving on teeny tiny country lanes then a bigger car can be more challenging, but really only marginally.

I'd say you want to be on her insurance (not just third party on yours), fully comp, but honestly, driving a bigger car isn't the drama you're making it out to be.

What if you took your car to the garage and they gave you a 'big' car as a courtesy car? You'd just have to get on with it. Or a hire car on holiday - even if you book a tiny car, they quite often give you a bigger one if they don't have tiny ones in stock. You're unlikely to be driving an Aygo size car for ever. Go and have a practice in her car and you might be pleasantly surprised.

(I'm putting to one side the issues of whether it should have been discussed/agreed before and the fact that 4 hrs is perfectly driveable by one person with a comfort break along the way. I don't think you NEED another driver, as such, but not being able to drive a 'bigger' car shouldn't be the barrier you're making it out to be).

I’ve never driven 3rd party. Those who are happy to do so do you not worry?

I don't worry about it no. If i let my friend drive my car it's because I'm confident that if there is a crash it won't be because of him driving like an idiot. And the feeling is reciprocated. If there's a genuine not his/my fault accident then I'd be fairly sure it would have been happening which of us was driving. Replacing the car would be on the owner not the driver. I can't really envisage him doing something so stupid as to fall foul of the understanding.

I'm not wealthy, nor are my friends, but the ones who drive each others vehicles are all very good, very experienced drivers

It’s just a car. I drive a mini, by husband has a massive car. I honestly don’t see much difference in driving either.

Go for a practice in it. I’d be pissed off if I had to do a 4 hr drive, tbf.

We do this on trips away btw rather than regularly bowling about in each others cars

As OP doesn't know the insurance situation, it really isn't relevant at this time.

And as I, and several others have said - she could ask her friend if she can have a go driving the car to familiarise herself if she's nervous.

Driving is driving. You don't have an ability to only drive an Aygo. If someone can drive one car they can drive any other car (auto only licenses excepted of course) even if it makes them feel nervous. If you find some data on accidents where the cause is an experienced driver unfamiliar with the car, let me know.

She said it makes her nervous, not that it "puts the shits up her". Your own personal fears are not relevant to this situation. Maybe with some exposure she would be fine.

Thanks for the feedback though.

Onetc thanks. It’s obviously very much what you are personally comfortable with. Used to deal with accident claims so know all sorts of scenarios and they pop in my head including the famous last words my friend would never sue me! I’d feel bad I’d cost my friend £10,000 even if it was just one of those things. I’ve driven for 30 years and never had a fault accident but I’d still be wary.

I think you are entitled to relax and enjoy your holiday, and clearly won’t be able to if YOU feel nervous about driving her car.
It has been sprung on you in a horrible way.
There is a strong majority saying that you are not being unreasonable.
It doesn’t matter if some other people on here wouldn’t have an issue. They are not being railroaded into doing it.
If you would be happy to drive your car, doing all the driving, and one of the non drivers complains that your car is not big enough, maybe they should consider their place as a passenger and opt out of the holiday.
I am sorry for your situation. It seems like there is no winning solution.

OP: unless you are a named driver on her policy, you are driving covered by your policy, and you will only be covered for third party, fire and theft.

Personally I would not drive someone else's car unless I was on their Comprehensive policy, nor would I want anyone to drive my car without Comprehensive. The expense and awkwardness if the side got scratched or you back into a post (anyone can do it) is just not worth the risk.

So definitely discuss this.

Are both your cars automatic?

Honestly - if you do a motorway stint you will have no difficulty whatsoever driving a bigger car. But tell her you will need a practice go to get used to her car, and where everything is.

If she thinks this is wimpy, tell her that we all a have our preferences, and for you, a 4 hour drive would be no big deal.

Honestly, a car journey is a car journey, god knows why she can't manage a 4 hour drive. But you will feel the same about driving a bigger car once you have given it a go.

Don't let it spoil your hol.

You are so very welcome.

It's an expression used for being nervous, apprehensive or "trapped" as the OP described.

Now, that's 2 things you learned today......that and the fact you have not got the authority to decide what makes somebody anxious because you yourself could drive a tank through war torn city...coz when you can drive a car you can drive anything. Bully for you, you should try to get a slot on Top Gear.

If you have an accident in her car your premiums will def. go up. I would insist on being covered as a named driver, cost me about 60 quid to add a named driver to my policy for a week. Your premiums would still go up if you had an accident in her car but at least the vehicle could be repaired should the worst happen