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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you make of this message?

410 replies

Glittersparkle76 · 15/06/2022 07:24

My partner and I have been together on and off for nearly 10 years and we have a 9 year old daughter.He works away in hospitality and comes back to me and my daughter when he gets days off.I woke during the early hours and found this message he had sent,all lovely until I read the part when he said he had loved others more!,I thought WTAF??,why would you even need to say that to me?,are some things best left unsaid??.He's meant to be coming back late tonight for 3 days but now I feel like telling him to fuck off and don't bother!.Am I overreacting to this message?,I feel like I'm second,third or even fourth best now and don't think I will ever be able to get that comment out of my head.
Even if I felt in my past I had loved others more than I do him,I would never say that to him as I don't feel it needs to be said!.
I would love others opinions on this and how they would feel if their partner sent them this message.

What would you make of this message?
OP posts:
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6
MayBeee · 15/06/2022 14:40

All that aside , please rethink spending your last years living in a luxury caravan .
If anything , it's something you do when very young .

SpringBadger · 15/06/2022 14:41

Hmm, I took the "right nows" as laying emphasis on the present day - as in, right now is what's important, not the past. He goes on a lot about the seaside caravan dream so it doesn't seem like he's being non-commital. I think he's working through his feelings - once upon a time this unrequited love meant everything, but actually right now (and going forward) it's his partner he wants to be with. He probably thought this was a joyful discovery to share with you 😂 He also called the unrequited love something like "the lust of a 29yo" so he does understand the difference.

I realise I am starting to sound like this guy's greatest defender... Clearly he's not perfect, but I think with some men particularly, drunken rambling can be the only way they know to process their emotions, and they're not always great at knowing which ones to share with whom. I would take that over an aggressive drunk (not that those are the only options, I hasten to add!). I think he's been tactless and immature, but I don't see any reason to think that he has feelings for anyone else.

PinaColadaSunset · 15/06/2022 14:46

SpringBadger · 15/06/2022 14:41

Hmm, I took the "right nows" as laying emphasis on the present day - as in, right now is what's important, not the past. He goes on a lot about the seaside caravan dream so it doesn't seem like he's being non-commital. I think he's working through his feelings - once upon a time this unrequited love meant everything, but actually right now (and going forward) it's his partner he wants to be with. He probably thought this was a joyful discovery to share with you 😂 He also called the unrequited love something like "the lust of a 29yo" so he does understand the difference.

I realise I am starting to sound like this guy's greatest defender... Clearly he's not perfect, but I think with some men particularly, drunken rambling can be the only way they know to process their emotions, and they're not always great at knowing which ones to share with whom. I would take that over an aggressive drunk (not that those are the only options, I hasten to add!). I think he's been tactless and immature, but I don't see any reason to think that he has feelings for anyone else.

Totally this!

HollowTalk · 15/06/2022 14:47

I'm so sorry about your son. Flowers I wouldn't even think of leaving a secure rental to live with him, away from everything you love. I'd find it disrespectful of him to keep banging on about it.

lemmein · 15/06/2022 14:50

I bet, if you could be bothered to check his Facebook searches, he was fb stalking his 'ex' before he sent that first message.

You deserve more - he writes like a teenager!

Thehonestybox · 15/06/2022 14:55

I'm guessing you've mentioned to him his previous relationships or a worry that he loved others before you more?

It's close to being a cute message, but yeah I would be pissed off that he bothered to say he had an amazing unrequited love before you.

I can imagine if you point this out he'll be surprised as he cleary thinks this is a romantic message, but yeah, wtf is with all the 'right NOW's?!

NervousFlyer2022 · 15/06/2022 15:01

Sounds like one of my exes who revealed that he'd had a crush on a friend (before we met) but she was "out of his league" - so what fucking league was I meant to be in then?!

Why would you need to say you'd loved other people more? Just why?

letsnotdothat · 15/06/2022 15:01

So he basically got pissed and sent you a pathetic insensitive message about loving people in the past more than you. He’s middle aged as well so not a young idiot who doesn’t know any better. It’s all pretty unattractive, I’d be running a mile at your age in particular. You need a mature man, not an overgrown child.

Diverseopinions · 15/06/2022 15:08

Is it like the usual stuff he sends - same style, or weirdly out of the blue, and different?. I'm probably wrong, but, in the interests of considering every possibility, could this be a message sent to you by mistake, intended to go to another recipient? It's sounds very heavy to be addressed to someone you'll be seeing shortly, and everything's been bright and breezy and there'll be lots of chat about your child and functional stuff.

Diverseopinions · 15/06/2022 15:14

Sorry you've had such a difficult time and hope you have lots of support where you are. Thinking of you, and hope it gets easier xxx

ClaireEclair · 15/06/2022 15:18

I don’t even understand it. Is he drunk? Are you sure he hasn’t made some typos?

ClaireEclair · 15/06/2022 15:20

Oh I’ve caught up now. Posted to soon. What an arse!

tulips27 · 15/06/2022 15:20

I would find such a message deeply hurtful, like you. Sorry I don't have any advice as I'm not great with relationships myself.

LAMPS1 · 15/06/2022 15:27

That sounds like an apology in advance type of message…a warning about what comes next. As if he’s setting the scene of love in case you go mad when you find out the truth …
I wouldn’t trust him after that message.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 15/06/2022 15:28

HE' SAYING HE LOVES YOU, ONLY YOU, NOW AND FOREVER.

Sorry to shout. I felt frustrated reading the messages. So many good relationships get messed up by poor communication.

He obviously doesn't understand that you're thinking 'now' means not necessarilty in the future. Whereas he is saying 'now (unlike in the distant past'.

I hope this works out for both of you.

ImpartialMongoose · 15/06/2022 15:35

First impression is that he writes like a 12 or 13 year old boy. Second impression is how ambivalent he seems to be towards you and your relationship, but seems to be trying to convince both you and himself otherwise.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 15/06/2022 15:35

I'd ditch him for the 'your' instead of 'you're' for a start.

SakuraSky · 15/06/2022 15:35

He's trying to deflect the blame here-the only reason you mention any of these things is because he wrote them first. Clearly he's holding a candle for someone else and has been for some time.

Please don't give up your long term rental for this guy. He is not worth it.

HappyCup · 15/06/2022 15:37

HE' SAYING HE LOVES YOU, ONLY YOU, NOW AND FOREVER.

Yes but @ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus he also said ‘I’ve loved others more than I love you’, completely unprompted. It’s hurtful and unnecessary and there’s no ignoring that.

Clementine183 · 15/06/2022 15:41

I don't think he's pining after a lost love. I think he just got pissed and sent a stupid message without thinking through how it would make you feel. He's clarified multiple times now that it was just a silly youthful infatuation and that he barely even spoke to her (?!) so come on now, quite clearly, this is not "love" on the same sort of level that you have with someone you've actually been in a relationship for years - he was just having a dumb nostalgic moment and made the error of sharing this with you. He also repeatedly says that he loves you and wants a future with you, he's not exactly playing hard to get or doing you down here.

I think a lot of posters are bashing him because they think he comes across as a bit thick and cringe-worthy, rather than because he's actually done anything terrible (beyond some poorly-judged wording via text which I think he's trying his best to explain) - for what it's worth I don't disagree (!) but regardless of this, only you know how he comes across in real life and how characteristic this is of him. Surely talking in real life is the answer, if you do actually still want to be with him.

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 15:56

I think the drunken message would have been recoverable if this morning he'd said something like "I am so sorry. I was drunk texting and I'm mortified by what I wrote. I love you and always will. please forgive me."

j712adrian · 15/06/2022 15:59

classic cut & paste when pissed

Kately · 15/06/2022 16:10

I'm embarrassed for him

That's a cringe fest of nonsense and emojis and he's backed himself into a corner by his stupidity

Peoniesandpeaches · 15/06/2022 16:17

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/06/2022 11:59

High on entitlement and arrogance…very, very low on intelligence.

Sadly I agree. I also feel it’s a massive red flag how he’s making you grovel before he’ll come home. He’s making you responsible for the disagreement and for him not seeing his daughter.
I also think he’s being manipulative to keep bringing up you moving in light of what he knows happened with your son. It feels like he’s pressuring you into making his life easier by moving…. And all while secretly having one foot out the relationship. You don’t sit pining about some woman you were infatuated decades ago if your fully committed and happy in your relationship.

Sunnytwobridges · 15/06/2022 16:19

SpringBadger · 15/06/2022 14:41

Hmm, I took the "right nows" as laying emphasis on the present day - as in, right now is what's important, not the past. He goes on a lot about the seaside caravan dream so it doesn't seem like he's being non-commital. I think he's working through his feelings - once upon a time this unrequited love meant everything, but actually right now (and going forward) it's his partner he wants to be with. He probably thought this was a joyful discovery to share with you 😂 He also called the unrequited love something like "the lust of a 29yo" so he does understand the difference.

I realise I am starting to sound like this guy's greatest defender... Clearly he's not perfect, but I think with some men particularly, drunken rambling can be the only way they know to process their emotions, and they're not always great at knowing which ones to share with whom. I would take that over an aggressive drunk (not that those are the only options, I hasten to add!). I think he's been tactless and immature, but I don't see any reason to think that he has feelings for anyone else.

Hmmm I can actually see this. Maybe that's how he feels. It's just written so clumsily and immaturely, it's hard to get past that and focus on the gist of what he's trying to convey. I don't think I'd bin him just yet, but I would have a face to face talk to him first so he could clarify things.

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