To "let" 17yo dd go away for a night with her boyfriend?

[Anothernamechangeplease]

DD and her boyfriend are both 17. Both lovely, both very sensible and emotionally mature, very sweet towards each other. They were friends for years before they got together, and their relationship is very stable and drama-free. I like him a lot, and I can see that dd is clearly very happy and at ease when she is with him.

They are planning an overnight trip in the summer. One or two nights in a youth hostel. DD has been away with friends before and I have been fine with this. I have no concerns about her going with her boyfriend.

My friend thinks I'm crazy to 'let her go' and insists that they are 'too young'. I disagree. They will both be adults next year.

AIBU?

Where have you invented most of that from? Why do you think it’s the first time? You have the wrong idea about youth hostels - they can be nicer than many hotels. And it’s clear the DD is being treated well and with respect.

You really have no idea if it's her first time! Very likely it's not. He's not some schoolboy she's just met, he's someone she's been close to for many years. They are both over the age of consent. My mum was married at 17 (still married 54 years later). I find your attitude bizarre.

@Freerangechildren you've jumped to conclusions there !

It is grim. Sorry but it is. For everyone saying YH are fabulous, have you actually seen most of them?

I would not want that for my dd, not ever.

It's not grim at all and even if it was it's no one's business but theirs. It's not the parents job to stage manage the perfect location and the perfect boy for their daughter to lose their virginity with! Looking back at my own adolescence I know friends of mine lost their virginity whilst drunk with random boys at parties. One lost her virginity in an abandoned house on my street. One friend did it behind a Bush at the park. I'm sure their parents would have been appalled but of course they never knew. OP's daughter going to a youth hostel with her boyfriend seems completely tame compared to the behaviour I witnessed as a teen. And I very much doubt it's their first time.

I have seen, and they are fine. Youth hostels are designed to enable young people to go on holiday or travelling or work - that’s their purpose. The DD and boyfriend are well over the age of consent, so they can do as they please. There is nothing grim about any of this situation. It’s actually a really good situation and one that I would be very pleased to have for my DDs.

Looks dreadful, poor things

Thanks for sharing your views, @Freerangechildren . I appreciate that you're trying to help. I don't see things in the way that you see them though.

As far as I'm concerned, dd does have high standards. She is with this boy, not simply because she wants a boyfriend or because she feels under pressure in any way, but because she really, really likes him. He isn't just "some school boy". He is someone who has been a friend for years, and with whom she has entered into a carefully considered relationship. They are both above the age of consent and mature for their age. My dd knows what she wants and she can speak up for it. Her boyfriend is caring and respectful, and I am confident that dd wants the physical aspects of their relationship as much as he does. Tbh, I am happy that she gets to explore her sexuality in the context of a caring relationship with someone who she knows really well and with whom she evidently feels very secure and comfortable.

The trip will not be their first sexual encounter in any case. They don't need to travel to do that - they have plenty of opportunity in the safety and comfort of their own homes. That really isn't what this trip is actually about. And by the by, I would suggest that you may not have seen many youth hostels recently because some of them genuinely are very nice.

From what you've said, your own 17yo dd is still very young for her age, so maybe that's colouring your views. Mine has more emotional maturity than many adults I know, so I am happy to let her make her own decisions about this stuff.

Agreed! I didn’t have a boyfriend until I’d moved out and gone to university, I was quite envious of friends in couples who did things like this. Good for them!

She and her BF sound like well rounded people with their heads screwed on. You sound like an awesome parent. Hope they enjoy their trip together.

Dd sounds like a sensible and levelheaded young lady and a credit to your good parenting. The bf sounds like a pleasant young man and they seem to have a respectful mature relationship. I wish you all well for the future. Of course they should go!

I'd actually rather her go with a boyfriend- only the two of them, not in a huge group winding each other up encouraging drinking to excess etc, I think at that age I was more mature around my boyfriend than the group of girls.

The yha set up is that they will be in different single sex dorms I think ? So she won't be under pressure overnight. And as people have said, if 17yos want to have sex they will. Night away or Not. I can't think of a safer set up for older teens than yha TBH. It's what it was created for.

I genuinely don't understand why some people are saying no to this. I feel really sorry for your children.
I remember noticing the sheltered ones at university with no life experience or independence - they were often the ones that went off the rails with their new found freedom.

My dd has been on several trips, hiking, mountaineering and camping etc and has been for a year or two. It is not about restricting adventurous teens, as I wholly support that. She has just completed her DoE gold and has had five days in Scotland wild camping with her friends at half term.

For me, and it is personal taste, it just seems a little grim and seedy. Could they not afford something slightly better with canopy and stars or something along those lines? My girls have stayed at YH and we had to check out and find them somewhere else because it was filthy and so noisy. Lots of drunk teens and no one at the desk supervising anything after 10pm. So they were on their own so to speak.

She is 17 she can more or less do whatever she pleases, I am still guiding my teens when asked.

Like you, I am also guiding my dd when asked, and I'm grateful that she still asks!

I think you have had a bad experience of youth hostels that isn't necessarily representative. My dd and her friends stayed in a fabulous one last summer. They sent videos of the room - very clean, nicely decorated private en suite room. Not noisy, no drunk people, not grim at all.

Perhaps the next one will be different or perhaps it won't - I will be encouraging them to do their research carefully, read reviews etc, but tbh, if it turns out not to be very nice, they will cope with that as well. It's all part of the learning experience as far as I'm concerned - I certainly stayed in some less than lovely places as a youngster and it didn't kill me! If they wanted to stay in a Premier Inn or similar instead, then they could afford it, but they're both careful with their money and trying to save up for uni, so they won't want more expense than necessary.

The purpose of the trip is to visit a particular city for a particular reason, so canopy and stars won't really work, unfortunately. Perhaps they can save that for another time!

You sound like a super lovely mum, and if she is anything like you she will be just fine. The girls YH was in a town, and if they had checked TA they would have seen the terrible reviews - so lesson well learnt. The one in Bath however is beautiful so they are not all rubbish, and I am sure your dd will be fine whatever, because it is the adventure rather than the comfort levels of early experiences. We slept in some flea pits as students and are still here to tell the tale!

As I said further upthread, I had a bad experience personally at your dd's age, and I thought I was more grown up and in control than I was in reality, and I am sure that has coloured my view somewhat and made me much more careful. Loving relationships with a trusted boyfriend is def the right way to go, and he does sound very respectful of her. I hope she has lovely time!

I do love canopy and stars! Cheap and cheerful but nice (well most of them!)

You seem very invested in where OP's daughter has sex! I think it's really their business where they do it. Some youth hostels are lovely, not at all like the ones you've experienced.

End of year 12 I wouldn't let them go and whilst my child lives at home and is in full time education they're not actually an adult. In my mind, its 18 or post A levels when I would be happy with this. Personally I think end of year 12 is too young to go alone with a boyfriend or to plan a boyfriend holiday especially with a boyfriend of less than 6 months regardless of how good their relationship was.

For those of you who are saying they're too young (at 17!!!) ...just so you know, all of their friends at school will be having mini adult free adventures and learning about the world on their own terms. Kids who aren't allowed to do these kinds of things really are missing out on a vital part of the growing up process and you are holding them back.

Blimey I feel like I have travelled back 60 years, some of these posts are embarrassing.

If I raise my DCs to be so emotionally immature at 17 they are unable to travel with a gf or bf I will be so disappointed (DS2 has additional needs so potentially different for him, but maybe not). Its a short trip in the UK not travelling to a 3rd world country for 3 months. It wouldn't be most 17 yos first encounter sexually either. Then another poster has mentioned they wouldn't allow it if still in full time education. Some Y13s will turn 18 in September so practically 19 when they finish, are you honestly saying you would not allow your adult son or daughter stay overnight with their gf or bf? You know they'll just lie to you right?

You seem very invested in where OP's daughter has sex!

Ewwww sally did you intend to be so sordid. I couldn't care any less about the sex element - just the safety of YH in general, cleanliness and experience staying there. Thanks.

I agree with @SallyWD - You were over invested in the OP's daughters' "first sexual encounter" advising that a part you would die if your dd was "sharing herself" with some boy from school in a "grim" "seedy" YH as if the OP should feel the same

My DH was kept on a tight leash until he left home at 18 to go to university. He went completely wild once he had a taste of freedom! By 18 I'd already had many trips away with friends and a boyfriend (including trips abroad, weekends in London/Brighton etc) so for me, starting university was no big deal. I was already independent and able to look after myself. I really don't understand treating 17 years old like they're 12. They can legally get married, leave home, join the army, have sex. They'll either lie to you so they can live life how they want at 17 or they'll go wild whenever it is that they're finally given freedom (18th birthday, starting uni etc). I imagine many of them must become resentful seeing their friends go off to festivals and holidays while they're kept at home against their will.