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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let" 17yo dd go away for a night with her boyfriend?

194 replies

Anothernamechangeplease · 14/06/2022 12:05

DD and her boyfriend are both 17. Both lovely, both very sensible and emotionally mature, very sweet towards each other. They were friends for years before they got together, and their relationship is very stable and drama-free. I like him a lot, and I can see that dd is clearly very happy and at ease when she is with him.

They are planning an overnight trip in the summer. One or two nights in a youth hostel. DD has been away with friends before and I have been fine with this. I have no concerns about her going with her boyfriend.

My friend thinks I'm crazy to 'let her go' and insists that they are 'too young'. I disagree. They will both be adults next year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothernamechangeplease · 14/06/2022 16:53

Ah, OK. She was 16 when she last travelled independently so maybe it's different now that she is 17. I'll let her know.

But yes, I think youth hostels have come a long way. The last one she stayed in was very fancy, and she and her friends had a private en suite room between them. Not a manky bathroom in sight!

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/06/2022 17:12

My DD has spent a lot of time in youth hostels and I’ve been amazed how lovely most of them were.

She’s young and in love .. this is the time to spread their wings and enjoy themselves, even more so for this generation with bloody
covid. I hope they have a fabulous time.

Original poster
Anothernamechangeplease · 14/06/2022 17:19

Thank you @BigSandyBalls2015 .Smile

OP posts:
balalake · 14/06/2022 17:29

My view would probably be based on the boyfriend, and from what you have described, would not be the subject of criticism from me.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:10

@MissNothing1991 it doesn’t disgust me. I was a single mother at 31 myself. An abusive husband wouldn’t be welcome sleeping in my home either. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be happy for my daughter to spend her life and have kids with a man who either doesn’t want to get married or she doesn’t want to marry. I’d want more security for her. I don’t think it’s fair to judge people with traditional values and desires for their children. All the people jumping on me are just derailing the thread.

whumpthereitis · 14/06/2022 18:39

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:10

@MissNothing1991 it doesn’t disgust me. I was a single mother at 31 myself. An abusive husband wouldn’t be welcome sleeping in my home either. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be happy for my daughter to spend her life and have kids with a man who either doesn’t want to get married or she doesn’t want to marry. I’d want more security for her. I don’t think it’s fair to judge people with traditional values and desires for their children. All the people jumping on me are just derailing the thread.

What you may want for your daughter is not more important than what she decides she wants for herself.

You can have ‘traditional’ (as if being old gives something more merit, or make it any less terrible) values all you want, the problem comes when you think you could actually stop a 17 year old from doing something quite normal that she could just go and do anyway, regardless of your opinions.

Maybe your daughter will take on your ‘traditional values’, but if she doesn’t then I hope they’re worth damaging, or even destroying, your relationship for.

chocolatemonster · 14/06/2022 18:42

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:10

@MissNothing1991 it doesn’t disgust me. I was a single mother at 31 myself. An abusive husband wouldn’t be welcome sleeping in my home either. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be happy for my daughter to spend her life and have kids with a man who either doesn’t want to get married or she doesn’t want to marry. I’d want more security for her. I don’t think it’s fair to judge people with traditional values and desires for their children. All the people jumping on me are just derailing the thread.

But you are judging those of us who care not if they aren't married? Being married is not an indicator of a good life partner. And it's 2022 - women have the choice too.

It's not derailing it - I think the OP has made careful consideration over the situation but you are the one judging people who have different beliefs? I care not if my DD gets married or not - I just want her to make good choices and any partner would be welcome in my house if they are respectful

coffeecupsandfairylights · 14/06/2022 18:49

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:10

@MissNothing1991 it doesn’t disgust me. I was a single mother at 31 myself. An abusive husband wouldn’t be welcome sleeping in my home either. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be happy for my daughter to spend her life and have kids with a man who either doesn’t want to get married or she doesn’t want to marry. I’d want more security for her. I don’t think it’s fair to judge people with traditional values and desires for their children. All the people jumping on me are just derailing the thread.

It's not your place to dictate how your child lives their life.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:55

@chocolatemonster thats why I said ‘or if she doesn’t want to get married’. I’m not judging anyone. Just because I value marriage for me and my family doesn’t mean I expect everyone to. I was just saying I wouldn’t have sleepovers in my house. If other people would then that’s their business. Everyone’s entitled to do what they want in their own home.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 14/06/2022 18:58

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:10

@MissNothing1991 it doesn’t disgust me. I was a single mother at 31 myself. An abusive husband wouldn’t be welcome sleeping in my home either. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be happy for my daughter to spend her life and have kids with a man who either doesn’t want to get married or she doesn’t want to marry. I’d want more security for her. I don’t think it’s fair to judge people with traditional values and desires for their children. All the people jumping on me are just derailing the thread.

Not derailing at all

I don't want to get married. No reason to. Me and DP are happy as we are.

You're the one derailing the thread with your out of date views.

Freerangechildren · 14/06/2022 19:06

I would have said yes, if it were not for the fact I have a dd aged 17 and she is incredibly young and to my mind needs another full year of maturity to adulthood, and I would feel uncomfortable with a situation that was becoming to adult for her to manage confidently. What is her boyfriend like? How long have they been together? Are they prone to dramatic rows or difficulties?

I lied to my parents and stayed with a boyfriend over night at that age, and I felt quite forced into sexual things and felt quite vulnerable, so maybe that is clouding my view. I was a little scared in fact and far from home. Maybe that is colouring my view.

The following year I was travelling and definitely more mature.

Why the rush?

chocolatemonster · 14/06/2022 19:13

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:55

@chocolatemonster thats why I said ‘or if she doesn’t want to get married’. I’m not judging anyone. Just because I value marriage for me and my family doesn’t mean I expect everyone to. I was just saying I wouldn’t have sleepovers in my house. If other people would then that’s their business. Everyone’s entitled to do what they want in their own home.

But you are expecting your dd to abide by your beliefs if she wants to stay in your home with a partner? It's insinuating she is doing something wrong if she doesn't aspire to marriage

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 14/06/2022 19:47

Whoatealltheminieggs · 14/06/2022 18:55

@chocolatemonster thats why I said ‘or if she doesn’t want to get married’. I’m not judging anyone. Just because I value marriage for me and my family doesn’t mean I expect everyone to. I was just saying I wouldn’t have sleepovers in my house. If other people would then that’s their business. Everyone’s entitled to do what they want in their own home.

Why are you back tracking? If you're not judging what did you mean by this

'highly doubt I'd have a 30 year old daughter unmarried with kids tbh. If I did I still wouldn't put them up as I'd be even less happy with the situation'

I'm surprised you've managed to get your judgemental pants out your arse yet.

Original poster
Anothernamechangeplease · 14/06/2022 21:07

Freerangechildren · 14/06/2022 19:06

I would have said yes, if it were not for the fact I have a dd aged 17 and she is incredibly young and to my mind needs another full year of maturity to adulthood, and I would feel uncomfortable with a situation that was becoming to adult for her to manage confidently. What is her boyfriend like? How long have they been together? Are they prone to dramatic rows or difficulties?

I lied to my parents and stayed with a boyfriend over night at that age, and I felt quite forced into sexual things and felt quite vulnerable, so maybe that is clouding my view. I was a little scared in fact and far from home. Maybe that is colouring my view.

The following year I was travelling and definitely more mature.

Why the rush?

There is no rush, of course, but they think it will be fun and there is no reason in my mind to stop them.

Both dd and her boyfriend are emotionally very mature for their ages. They're young but sensible. They haven't actually been together that long but they have been friends for years and were building up to a relationship for a long time before they "officially" got together, so they are very comfortable with each other. They haven't ever argued and neither of them are the type to have big arguments or high drama. I think the chances of something like that happening are very slim tbh.

I also think the chances of dd feeling pressured to do things that she isn't comfortable doing are very low. Partly because I trust her boyfriend to be respectful of her wishes - he is a really nice lad. And partly because had a chat at the beginning of the relationship about her not feeling pressured to do stuff that she doesn't want to do, and she laughed, then told me that actually, he was being so careful not to do anything that might make her feel uncomfortable that things weren't actually moving fast enough for her liking!

OP posts:
Freerangechildren · 15/06/2022 06:09

They haven't actually been together that long

How long exactly?

Freerangechildren · 15/06/2022 06:10

If the relationship is new, and it sounds like it is as an item, I would be encouraging her to slow down, she is only seventeen.

Glovesick · 15/06/2022 06:29

Worst thing to do as a parent is to restrict a young person's opportunities to become independent. If you do, the freedoms they evetually get when leaving home can be overwhelming. They have no experience of being independent and that can lead to some pretty poor choices. It undermines trust and self esteem, because you are telling a 17 yo they effectively can't be trusted/are too stupid to make their own decisions.

OP you are doing the right thing. Helping your DD understand dangers and risks and then trusting her to make good choices.

Much better to have given them a safe space and place to have sex than they engage in risky behaviour. 17 is plenty old enough, unless there are other issues going on.

Also, don't youth hostels still do single sex rooms only?

Darbs76 · 15/06/2022 06:35

i would have no issue at all with this, she’s 17. Some parents need to learn to let go, they can’t keep their kids under their control forever

dizzygirl1 · 15/06/2022 06:42

She's 17..... its not up to you!
When she's 30 will she be allowed out?!

whatwasyournamesorry · 15/06/2022 06:45

Yes. She's 17 of course she should go

FigTreeInEurope · 15/06/2022 06:45

I'd be proud of her! Good choice in bf, grabbing life by the horns whilst being open and sensible. What more can you ask?

whatwasyournamesorry · 15/06/2022 06:46

When i was 17 i went to Shagaluf with a few mates

We had a wild time.

Your DD sounds sensible

Original poster
Anothernamechangeplease · 15/06/2022 07:43

Freerangechildren · 15/06/2022 06:09

They haven't actually been together that long

How long exactly?

It's hard to put an exact timeline on it, because they built up to it very slowly. It was pretty obvious to everyone that they both liked each other before Christmas. DD and I talked about it then, and their friends were all making jokes about it, trying to get them together etc. They then had a conversation with each other in late Jan/early Feb, where they both acknowledged that they did want more than friendship, and they started talking much more and spending lots of time together from around then. However, they were both anxious about risking the friendship and about making things awkward for their wider friendship group if it didn't work out, so nothing really happened until around April, when they decided that they wanted to make it "official". So they haven't been an "item" for long at all, but I don't really think they have rushed it either.

OP posts:
Freerangechildren · 15/06/2022 08:35

So your dd has been dating him for just a few months at the most.
Legally she is not an adult, and as such is a minor. The reason why most hotels do not accept children under the age of eighteen is to protect them. Youth hostels being the only exception.

Can I say this kindly. I find it really grim to be sharing your first sexual encounter and losing her virginity in a youth hostel. I would want much better for my child to be honest.

I think we should be teaching our girls to have standards, high standards. To value themselves and to ensure that they set the tone for the future in such a way as to be treated well and with respect.

Thats just my view, but something inside of me would die knowing my beautiful daughter was sharing herself with some school boy she has only dated for a short time in a youth hostel.

There I have said it now.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/06/2022 08:38

Where did the OP say this was their first time?