To "let" 17yo dd go away for a night with her boyfriend?

[Anothernamechangeplease]

DD and her boyfriend are both 17. Both lovely, both very sensible and emotionally mature, very sweet towards each other. They were friends for years before they got together, and their relationship is very stable and drama-free. I like him a lot, and I can see that dd is clearly very happy and at ease when she is with him.

They are planning an overnight trip in the summer. One or two nights in a youth hostel. DD has been away with friends before and I have been fine with this. I have no concerns about her going with her boyfriend.

My friend thinks I'm crazy to 'let her go' and insists that they are 'too young'. I disagree. They will both be adults next year.

AIBU?

Absolutely fine, I would 'let' them!

Thank you @FOJN .

You're probably right, she'll change her mind as her own kids get older. They probably still seem like young kids to her, but a lot can change in a few short years!

I’d happily let mine go I’d be more worried about them getting lost on a mountain . I had a very controlling mother who was a nightmare when I was 19 spent the night in the flat of 3 blokes on my uni course because they were consented about my safety waiting for last bus home didn’t do anything my mother hit the roof and accused me of having sex with all three on the same night , was into my twenties before I had sex it ended my relationship with her

Yanbu, I moved in with dh not long after turning 17.

I wish my mother had been as sensible as you when I was 17...heck, when I was 21 and engaged to my 1st husband I still wasn't 'allowed' to go away with him at all...he wasn't even 'allowed' to be in my bedroom!

I honestly think my mother thought she'd managed to stop me having sex with him, and that I was still a virgin on my wedding day. Far from it of course, and 1st husband was far from the first!

The friend is weird. I hope your dd enjoys herself!

Of course its ok at 17 lots of women live with there partners

Thank you @bakewellbride .

Sorry to hear that @Shortbread49, that sounds rubbish and must have been really upsetting for you.

@noirchatsdeux , sounds like your mum was choosing to believe what she wanted to believe!

‘“I didn’t do it, so my children definitely won’t” - said every strict parent of an errand child, ever.

Fucking yikes 😬

Errant*

Times appear to have moved on. Though I say this as a 31 year old unmarried single mother, so I'm sure that disgusts you. Of course, if youd rather I married my daughters abusive father in order to stay at my parents houses, I can assure you I'd sooner sleep in the gutter. Thankfully my parents aren't judgemental idiots, same can't be said for you.

It's absolutely fine and I'm surprised it hasn't happened before. My parents let me go away on holiday with my mates at 17. We got up to all sorts of mischief. Great fun! This sounds tame in comparison.

I can't imagine expecting my 17 yos to ask permission to go on holiday with their BF/GF. It's lovely she did ask, you obviously have a nice relationship.

No wonder young adults in the workplace are often very immature and not very self sufficient if they are babied so much at home!! I agree with a pp, we definitely are going backwards as a whole, MN generally seems to treat older teens like young children, although this thread has definitely gone the other way which IMO is much truer to RL.

She's 17 🤷‍♀️ I don't get the issue. She's over the age of consent.

Wow! Rather than worry about a piece of paper wouldn't it very better to talk with your dd about relationships? I know from experience my dd would tell me if she had concerns - I would rather that than alienate her because she doesn't have a marriage certificate!

At 17 they are almost an adult - they don't suddenly become wise - it's relaxing boundaries slowly and hopefully having a good trusting relationship with them so they feel they can approach you if things go wrong which inevitably happens in life. I would rather focus on resilience and coping strategies. Being married does not mean things won't go wrong.

I was with my DH for 14 years - in that time we had 3 kids before we got married. If my mum had that house rule I would not have been visiting

There isn't an issue. I just wanted to know if there were many other people who would react like my friend.

Hard when a child gets to this kind of age. At 17 they are still vulnerable and have much growing to do, but they are legally an adult and so they can go off on their own. So OP they should go with your blessing, but it will not stop you worrying. Which is normal at this age.

Thanks @Cyclebabble . I'm not really worried tbh. I did worry the first time she went off away with her friends, but I am confident now that she'll be fine. I've tried to ensure that she is able to do things independently, and I'm happy that she's confident to do that.

@Anothernamechangeplease You're welcome!

I have one approaching 25 and one who is 13, so I can see it from both sides - sometimes I don't know whether to 🤣 or 😭 but your daughter and boyfriend sound like great sensible young adults and I hope they have the best time!

I 'let' my dd go away in just that situation. By that age I was a student and living away from home! She's almost an adult. It's a normal, fun thing to do.

Thanks OP. I think you have handled this absolutely right. At this age, you can only guide them and your daughter sounds very sensible which means you have guided her well to date.

Whoatealltheminieggs, you're either my mother or you're making the same mistakes. I'm late twenties, live with boyfriend, we're not allowed in the same bedroom at my parents' house (let alone to sleep in the same bed!) and they hate the fact that he moved in and we're not married. He stayed once for two nights and hated it. Not because of no sex, but because he's in an unfamiliar house with unfamiliar people and can't retreat to a safe comfortable space with me at the end of the day - he has to sleep alone in a strange bed. Yes, he's capable of doing it, no it doesn't bother me doing it as I know the house and people and I'm used to the rule - but we've agreed to stay over as little as possible/get a BnB/do it in the day. It's 100 miles each way so my parents are going to be missing a reasonable amount of visiting time because we don't want to stay over. We've also agreed not to forget about it once we are married and have kids - it's a shit rule, makes me feel like a kid who doesn't have opinions worth listening to, and is utterly pointless since we live together and - shock horror - have sex very regularly.

OP, your daughter, her boyfriend, and you all sounds fantastic. Everyone else is right - it's a great thing she is open with you - I lied and lied to my parents about boys as a teenager (and I was a bloody sensible teenager but their rules were ridiculous!)

I'd be more horrified at the thought of them staying in a grubby youth hostel tbh. Tell them to book a Premier Inn and at least have nice surroundings.

If I'm not mistaken, a youth hostel is the only place that will allow them to book as unaccompanied under-18s. Pretty sure that the premier inn wouldn't take them!

Having said that, the last youth hostel that dd stayed in with her friends looked bloody lovely...definitely a cut above the ones that I used to visit back in the day!

Thank you @Kerrrmieee , @Cyclebabble and @flipperdoda for your very kind comments.

'If I'm not mistaken, a youth hostel is the only place that will allow them to book as unaccompanied under-18s. Pretty sure that the premier inn wouldn't take them!'

Many Premier inns take unaccompanied over 17s I believe. Oh youth hostels must have come along since my day was all smelly drains and manky bathrooms!