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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter doesn’t like our new puppy! 😣

181 replies

ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:10

We got a puppy a few days ago so it’s all very new and still settling down, but my autistic 6 year old daughter hates him! 😔

She has been a bit rough with him a few times which has led to her being disciplined and put on time out, and she has started saying that she doesn’t want a dog and wants him to be sent away, she literally spends all day shouting this.

I think part of it could be jealously because she is no longer getting sole attention, especially because he has been unwell, and I have tried getting her involved in playing with him and helping to do things for him, but she just refuses.

How do I fix this?! X

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 14/06/2022 11:20

Return the puppy to breeder or rehome to someone who can offer a genuine loving forever home whom you know and 100%. trust.
If your puppy is being abused he will become unhappy and begin to defend himself.
This can turn to fear aggression which is dangerous.

garlictwist · 14/06/2022 11:20

It's a tough one. My parents got a cat when I was 12. I really disliked it and did until the day it died about 15 years later. I am just not an animal person and found it very disruptive and irritating. I'm afraid I never grew to love it.

Wotagain · 14/06/2022 11:22

Was your daughter involved in the decision about getting a dog? Did you both routinely spend time with dogs before this puppy arrived? Has she been nervous around dogs on the past?
Often an an unpopular view on MN, but I'd always prioritise the needs of a child over those of an animal, and as it's a puppy you can still ask the breeder to take it back.

balalake · 14/06/2022 11:23

Sadly a puppy is not for your household, I think.

daisypond · 14/06/2022 11:23

Return the puppy to the breeder. Consider it again in a few years.
What were your reasons for getting a puppy?

GingerFigs · 14/06/2022 11:23

Why did you get the puppy? Was it for your daughter? Did she want one, or was it for you? If your child has autism I think I'd have asked myself (and her) some serious questions before introducing a puppy. In fact, regardless of autism, with a 6 year old I'd have asked some serious questions.

You need to step back and look logically about how this is going to work. I have to say that I tend to agree with the earlier poster who says you need to rehome. A dog deserves to be loved, and at the very least treated correctly by everyone in the household.

Womencanlift · 14/06/2022 11:24

Did she want a dog and has now changed her mind now it’s here? Did you have a trial time to get her settled with the dog?

If you just brought the dog home one day as a ‘surprise’ then YABU.

At the end of the day your child’s happiness and feeling safe in her home should be far more important than your desire for a pet

SirenSays · 14/06/2022 11:25

The puppy stage is always a bit new and chaotic. Do you think she'll bond when you've had puppy a bit longer and he's calmed down a little?

Bigblackandreddog · 14/06/2022 11:25

My lovely old dog was originally in a similar sounding household, child with autism who hated him and often got physical towards him.

It’s no life for a dog and your risking the puppy growing up with a negative view of your DC or even worse all children.

I would have returned him by now!

CalistoNoSolo · 14/06/2022 11:25

Jesus, the poor puppy. A shouty rough environmental is extremely stressful for dogs, and particularly a puppy. Rehome responsibly and don't get another pet.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:26

Don’t get me wrong she’s not abusing it - she has hit it on the head once when it first arrived because she had a bit of an autistic meltdown - and she can be boisterous but there are boundaries in place to try and avoid that from happening.

The breeder won’t have him back as he was struggling to sell them in the first place. He is such a chilled out dog, and she is used to being around them in other people’s homes, which is making me think it’s more of a jealously type thing? Like when a child is an only child for a few years and then a sibling comes along sort of thing?

Its still very early days - not even had him a week yet - so I’m hoping she starts to settle with him, or at least learn to live with him, but obviously if she doesn’t or if the puppy starts to become unhappy then obviously I’m going to have a plan B. X

OP posts:
Discovereads · 14/06/2022 11:27

Rehome the puppy is what you do. For two reasons- the first being the safety of the puppy. Even if she starts handling him well/tolerating him the animosity between them could very well lead to a stressed dog that may bite resulting in a death sentence for the dog. The second being children’s comfort in their own home always comes before having pets in the home. Obviously this puppy/dog isn’t compatible with your DD. It’s best for the puppy and her that a new home be found for the puppy.

liveforsummer · 14/06/2022 11:27

Unfortunately I don't think a puppy was the right voice for your household. Of course you wouldn't have necessarily known that til now. Best of puppy goes back though. Your dd is focussed on hating the pup and this will likely get worse as the puppy grows and gets more boisterous.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:29

Our puppy isn’t boisterous though - he is the most calm and chilled out dog ever - he just sits there, doesn’t jump up or anything, that was his personality at the breeders too.

I personally think it’s because she’s either jealous of the attention or she isn’t liking being put on time out because of the dog. Surely those are fixable?

OP posts:
lborgia · 14/06/2022 11:30

Maybe consider how you parent your autistic child. The idea that you are using time out, and disciplining her for not knowing how to interact with a brand new puppy is horrifying.

The fact that you site "jealousy" as an issue also chills me.

Your very new puppy has been sick - did it come from a reputable breeders, did you see the mother etc etc? New puppies being unwell is something of a red flag regarding how they've been bred/ where they've been living.

Send the puppy back, and spend the money on resources to help you understand best practice/ autistic-led information on how to help your daughter feel safe and how to understand what her behaviour means.

worraliberty · 14/06/2022 11:32

I personally think it’s because she’s either jealous of the attention or she isn’t liking being put on time out because of the dog. Surely those are fixable?

Well you know your own daughter but you don't know your own puppy yet.

One more smack on the head or being treated roughly and that 'chilled out' personality could well change.

lborgia · 14/06/2022 11:33

Oh, the breeder won't take the puppy back even though it's in danger from a child.

FFS, this gets worse with every post.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:33

@lborgia horrifying and chilling? I think that’s a bit OTT if I’m being honest.

Yes if she’s rough with him she gets put on time out, same way if she was rough with any of us human household members. That’s what I’ve been told to do by SEN specialists because she knows what is a good and bad choice. Unless you’re an expert and know differently?

Yes I’ve known other people with similar issues, especially with youngest children etc who is used to all the attention and then something new comes along. There is often sibling jealously etc, is that chilling and horrifying too?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 14/06/2022 11:35

I missed the bit where you said the puppy has been unwell.

Given that you said the irresponsible breeder wouldn't take it back, due to having trouble selling it in the first place has puppy farm written all over it.

Prepare yourself for some expensive vets bills.

Daenerys77 · 14/06/2022 11:36

Maybe your daughter is not ready for a dog or maybe she is not, and will never be, a 'dog person'; many of us aren't, which is why it is not fair to bring a dog into a home unless all existing members of the household are happy about it.

XmasElf10 · 14/06/2022 11:37

My DD hated Mr Bitey (as she called him) when we first got him. He is now a beloved family pet but it took almost a year for her feelings to change. She was scared of dogs and he was a bit rough, he’s better now.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:41

@XmasElf10 I’m glad to hear that it all worked out in the end! Surely there are other homes where children have changed their minds once dog arrives, the dog wasn’t what they were expecting and then they struggle to warm up to them - yet apparently on here everyone thinks every scenario with children is picture perfect and if it’s not then get rid and don’t attempt to train or settle the situation?!

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 14/06/2022 11:41

Do you have a crate for puppy, your DD may feel better if puppy isn’t within reach all the time.

lborgia · 14/06/2022 11:41

No, nothing your child does bothers me, just your actions.

And yes, I know what I'm talking about. SEN specialists... mmm. What are they actually? Anyone who thinks putting a child in isolation as a way of enforcing right and wrong is clearly reading very old books. There are plenty of specialists who are very happy to tell you how to parent, without having considered the impact on the child.

60 years ago it was considered healthy and right to leave your child outside in the pram for fresh air, and to get the crying out of their system. Would you agree that we've moved on since then?

Not to worry, I'm sure a couple of years of intense ABA therapy will make her to behave "normally".

Back to the dog. If it's chilled out and no fuss, sell it on to someone else who doesn't have young children.

CalistoNoSolo · 14/06/2022 11:41

Lovely. So you get a puppy from a puppy farmer, it gets hit by your daughter and you can't even recognise that the puppy is withdrawn because it's ill and frightened of the shouting. Have you even taken it to the vets? Rehome the puppy before you fuck it up entirely and it can't be rehomed.