My daughter doesn’t like our new puppy! 😣

[ohwhattodo96]

We got a puppy a few days ago so it’s all very new and still settling down, but my autistic 6 year old daughter hates him! 😔

She has been a bit rough with him a few times which has led to her being disciplined and put on time out, and she has started saying that she doesn’t want a dog and wants him to be sent away, she literally spends all day shouting this.

I think part of it could be jealously because she is no longer getting sole attention, especially because he has been unwell, and I have tried getting her involved in playing with him and helping to do things for him, but she just refuses.

How do I fix this?! X

I'm autistic and I was a nightmare when my younger sisters came along (especially the first when I was four). I'd hit her when frustrated or overwhelmed and if I'd been more verbal at the time would have definately demanded they take her back whereever they came from.

My parents did their best to set up a good situation when they knew younger sis was on the way. They named her after a name I was obsessed with for some reason at the time, once she was born she 'gave' me and older sibling a present. I got a doll.

Despite all that the situation became violent at times. They did some positive things like make individual time for us older ones (with varying success as anyone with a newborn can imagine) and involve me in feeding baby when she moved to baby food.

The most successful things they did though was consistant discipline when I was violent with her. I even got a couple quick smacks right at the moment i'd landed my own hits. Not recommending hitting your kid, but I wasn't the greatest with verbal language at the time and it did do a good job teaching me 'no we don't do that' when my comprehension of the words wasn't good, and with always being paired with a repeated phrase such as 'no hitting' i quickly learned to understand and respond to the phrase only.

So continue with the form of discipline she's responding to. Autism isn't an excuse not to discipline, just to structure that discipline and explanations of it in a way easier for the child to understand. Autism is a social and communication issue, not necessarily a behaviour issue.

I'd also recommend looking at social stories. Talk about what the puppy is feeling as currently it's just an annoying object devoid of emotions. Make a story about the puppy being excited to join your family and be friends, and how sad he is when she's loud or mean to him, etc. If possible relate it to similar situations she's been through such as when an older child hit her or when she found a loud noise scary.

I was hortified when I read your DD had hit the puppy on the head. This dog needs to be re-homed without delay. That is pretty shocking.

YABU for buying of a breeder who clearly gives no shits where the dog goes and uses his dogs womb to make money.
How many more people are going to keep buying of unscrupulous breeders and fuelling the trade, only to realise they can’t cope or their children aren’t being kind to it, or the many other reasons, dogs aren't commodities, it’s awful to buy puppies and dogs, only to hand them over to an already bursting rescue who may (if it’s lucky) find it a suitable home, or it’s euthanised.

It'll be fine. Autistic children need time to accept change.

What are you doing to help her?

We did
~ books on dogs from the library
~ watching movies like The Incredible Journey
~ visual timetable for the puppy
~ DD chose toys for the puppy
~ the pup 'gave' DD a toy
~ finding out about working dogs (websites)
~ watching funny dog videos on YT
~ inviting confident friends round for play dates
~ DD did a photo project with an old digital camera about the pup
~ DD washed the bowls with lots of bubbles

Good luck. Getting a dog has been the best thing we have ever done. DD has far fewer meltdowns than pre-dog. It's just a happier house.

You are causing her to react like this. You’ve brought this animal into her home and instead of modelling good behaviour and talking to her, you’ve decided to ignore her and push her away (time out).

Of course she’s going to feel resentment and jealousy - you’ve created a you and dog vs her situation.

You’ve handled this completely the wrong way.

That suggests an ill/frightened pup to me.

That is not normal puppy behaviour, no matter what the breed.

If your DD is spending all day shouting that she doesn't want the dog then you really should rehome it. Her frustration may increase, not decrease over time - you've no way of knowing. The breeder ought to take it back...Best to do quickly. Sounds stressful for everyone.

It'll be fine. Autistic children need time to accept change.

It's already very not fine for the puppy.

A puppy is not a teaching tool.

The puppy has had a bad enough start - sold by a puppy farm to an owner who is incapable of meeting its needs.

Rehome it through a rescue and don't get another pet.

I don't understand why you got a puppy in the first place. I'd have thought a grown-up trained dog would be better for a child who has autism. I know some autistic children react really well to having dogs, and they really help them, but I am not sure a troubled puppy was the right choice.

Please do what pp's have suggested and rehome the puppy.

And stop accusing your dd of being jealous. It's really not very nice to blame your daughter for a situation you appear to have caused. You can have a dog once she grows up and leaves home, if you still want one then. It's not for you to impose a pet on your daughter. As a pp said, humans come before animals, and your dd's wants and needs come first. The puppy can have another home which is better suited to it. Your first duty is to your daughter.

Your puppy may be sweet and docile now. That’s because they’re a little baby and very much like babies, they grow up and become playful and silly. A lot of play for puppies involves rough and tumble, jumping around and play biting. If your dd is acting like this now to the puppy, she may very well get aggressive once the puppy starts playing and mouthing (play biting). Sharp puppy teeth really really hurt.

We got our dog when dd was about 7. She once pushed him because she freaked when he was excited and bounded over to her to play. He landed on his back and was fine. But I had to ensure this never happened again and it didn’t as we had a plan to ease her anxiety when he got excited. Our lovely dog is much calmer these days and pretty devoted to dd now. Dd wanted the dog and was part of the decision process btw.

What you’re contemplating otoh is subjecting a child, who has a disability to a dog she doesn’t want and subjecting a dog to a child, who could really hurt them. If you allow this to happen, your dog could then grow up to have very negative feelings towards children and become aggressive with them and very likely biting your child or another child.

Please look to rehome your dog.

I think the OP is just going to cherry pick these responses to suit what she actually wants to do.

Basically, she wants a puppy, and doesn't want to hear people stating the bleeding obvious - that a puppy and her daughter are a dangerous combination, which at the very least is going to lead to misery for both animal and daughter, and at the worse serious injury for one or both.

Worst case scenario is that your dd provokes the dog and it bites her. Then it will all be tears and the dog's fault. It won't be, it will be yours for not acting sooner.

Aside from the puppy - I too agree you need to parent/discipline your autistic child differently. Her thought processes, understanding, comprehension etc of situations are not the same as NT so time out is completely inappropriate - I struggle to see that any professional would advise this strategy tbh.

Moving forward with your puppy - I'd persevere with a very strict, organised method before rehoming, and follow it consistently. Autistic children can take a long time to get used to something new, no matter how much they wanted it.

He is such a chilled out dog

No, he is in survival mode - fight, flight, or freeze. The trauma of his new atmosphere is causing him to shut down. It's horrible.

I’m getting chills reading this. I feel like your poor puppy is going to end up hurt by your dd. And you’re probably right that she is jealous. My ex’s dd was jealous of any new animal brought into the house. She wanted all the attention. Luckily she wasn’t abusive to them. Please rehome him for his safety.

Puppies aren't usually calm and chilled out, they're full of energy, bouncy and playful, into everything and chewing whatever they can get hold of.
A quiet well behaved puppy would ring warning bells with me.

If the puppy is in danger because of her, you have to give the puppy to a better home.

It'll be fine. Autistic children need time to accept change.

Well, as the parent of an autistic child, I'd say the problem is that sometimes autistic children just never accept some changes.

I personally think you need to get puppy rehomed asap via a reputable organisation like dogs trust. Hitting a defenceless animal is not ok. She can’t be left alone with him. All that will happen is he will be shut in a room and neglected.

Oh god, the poor puppy. Please just accept that you are not the right people for this puppy. It's ill and frightened, and whenever he gets any attention he gets shouted at or even hit on the head. He doesn't know or care that the shouting comes from an autistic child, he just knows he is always being told off no matter how good he is. Can you not see that this is not a healthy environment for a tiny puppy that has just been taken from its mum?

What breed is it, out of interest?

What a sad situation.

Your daughter will be feeling panicky because there's a 'new thing' in the house and it isn't something she can easily avoid or forget it being there - it's a permanent change which affects the household routine and 'feeling'. It's more likely to be this that's causing her behaviour than any perceived lack of attention. Time is the only solution if you don't want to rehome pup, and making sure DD and pup have separate zones to which they can retreat.

Have you talked to DD about what she wants to do - as in, when she is in a calm mode and able to talk. Giving her a sense of control over the situation might help.

I do think you should get your pup checked out at the vets because it isn't normal for them to be 'chilled'. Has he been wormed - worms can make them lethargic?

Saying that it will be alright and to wash the bowls using lots of bubbles. Now I have heard everything!!

That puppy is in great danger from your daughter. Can you not see that?

I think you should have had a more detailed plan on how you were going to manage this, sorry. I'd want to have contingency backups considered before bringing a young animal into the home of a child with difficulties, as it's quite likely that they are going to react unexpectedly or to a much greater degree than you hoped. Puppies are unpredictable, undisciplined and way too over excited, if you are a child who relies on calmness, routine and predictability. You really needed to have thought that this might happen and the best way to prevent its happening to start with.

I do think it's probably too late to turn this around, although other people have managed this (with NT children), it's unlikely that you'll be successful too. It just takes too long for puppy to grow into a more reliable and obedient dog and you'd have to separate them and supervise like a hawk all the time.

Also I don't think your pup sounds healthy, it's not usual for them to be "chilled/laid-back" is it?