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Original poster

My daughter doesn’t like our new puppy! 😣

181 replies

ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:10

We got a puppy a few days ago so it’s all very new and still settling down, but my autistic 6 year old daughter hates him! 😔

She has been a bit rough with him a few times which has led to her being disciplined and put on time out, and she has started saying that she doesn’t want a dog and wants him to be sent away, she literally spends all day shouting this.

I think part of it could be jealously because she is no longer getting sole attention, especially because he has been unwell, and I have tried getting her involved in playing with him and helping to do things for him, but she just refuses.

How do I fix this?! X

OP posts:
Lostsoul91 · 14/06/2022 12:57

The only think I will add, our puppy was rather chilled to begin with, that's the reason whe picked the breed as they are know for being lazy. But he's 8 months now and from about 4 he's been far more boisterous, and we've had to do a LOT of training with him.

Now at 8 months he still gets over excited, will nip, jump up when playing with him. So please don't be lulled into a sense of security, he's very much into his teenage attitude and boundary pushing. The breed we have is known to calm down between 12/18 months, a lot of dogs it's around 3 years.

sittingnexttochoppysea · 14/06/2022 12:58

ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:33

@lborgia horrifying and chilling? I think that’s a bit OTT if I’m being honest.

Yes if she’s rough with him she gets put on time out, same way if she was rough with any of us human household members. That’s what I’ve been told to do by SEN specialists because she knows what is a good and bad choice. Unless you’re an expert and know differently?

Yes I’ve known other people with similar issues, especially with youngest children etc who is used to all the attention and then something new comes along. There is often sibling jealously etc, is that chilling and horrifying too?

The big difference being that human siblings don't have teeth and don't react to perceived danger by biting. As I'm sure you're aware from all the puppy research you've done, the first 16 weeks of a dogs life are absolutely key in their social development. You are literally at risk of causing your dog to grow up as reactive and like bite people.

HoundHound · 14/06/2022 13:32

What breed is your puppy? What happens if you ask your daughter to do things with the puppy and then give your daughter a lot more attention than the puppy?

sleepingophelia · 14/06/2022 13:36

I cannot bear animal cruelty, and the fact that you cannot seem to see that this is happening to this puppy is crazymaking. Here are your own words, minimising, minimising, and minimising...

She has been a bit rough with him a few times

she has started saying that she doesn’t want a dog and wants him to be sent away

she literally spends all day shouting this

Don’t get me wrong she’s not abusing it - she has hit it on the head once

she can be boisterous but there are boundaries in place to try and avoid that from happening

Yes if she’s rough with him she gets put on time out, same way if she was rough with any of us human household members

she was absolutely fine until she realised she would not be allowed to do as she wanted with him

For god's sake, get her a stuffed toy. Rehome this poor dog.

Mariposista · 14/06/2022 13:39

ToCaden · 14/06/2022 12:29

I'm autistic and I was a nightmare when my younger sisters came along (especially the first when I was four). I'd hit her when frustrated or overwhelmed and if I'd been more verbal at the time would have definately demanded they take her back whereever they came from.

My parents did their best to set up a good situation when they knew younger sis was on the way. They named her after a name I was obsessed with for some reason at the time, once she was born she 'gave' me and older sibling a present. I got a doll.

Despite all that the situation became violent at times. They did some positive things like make individual time for us older ones (with varying success as anyone with a newborn can imagine) and involve me in feeding baby when she moved to baby food.

The most successful things they did though was consistant discipline when I was violent with her. I even got a couple quick smacks right at the moment i'd landed my own hits. Not recommending hitting your kid, but I wasn't the greatest with verbal language at the time and it did do a good job teaching me 'no we don't do that' when my comprehension of the words wasn't good, and with always being paired with a repeated phrase such as 'no hitting' i quickly learned to understand and respond to the phrase only.

So continue with the form of discipline she's responding to. Autism isn't an excuse not to discipline, just to structure that discipline and explanations of it in a way easier for the child to understand. Autism is a social and communication issue, not necessarily a behaviour issue.

I'd also recommend looking at social stories. Talk about what the puppy is feeling as currently it's just an annoying object devoid of emotions. Make a story about the puppy being excited to join your family and be friends, and how sad he is when she's loud or mean to him, etc. If possible relate it to similar situations she's been through such as when an older child hit her or when she found a loud noise scary.

Absolutely agree. She needs disciplining to the extent her SN allow. Life is not all about her and she needs to learn that sharpish. Poor puppy.

Theluggage15 · 14/06/2022 14:18

You are minimising everything. Why on earth did you buy a puppy from a breeder who won’t take them back? You’ve not had it a week and it’s been ill? It’s subdued? Rehome the poor puppy. Why should it wait until your daughter (possibly) decides to change her rough behaviour.

safclass · 14/06/2022 14:36

Your child is 6 and has autism. She does not always know what is a right wrong decision is. Rather than time out try time in. If she is struggling with emotions over the puppy, then being isolated when she's really struggling isn't going to help.
Our foster son was 11 when we got our pup which he has always wanted. Even now 2yrs on occasionally he shows jealousy, either if the attention the pup gets or when the pup gives me and husband attention 'loves us more /doesn't like him' etc.
If she is struggling move the puppy away and give her attention and involve her in training him etc.
Puppies are demanding, kids are demanding but they can work together.

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 16:05

There is no need to persist with a dangerous and fraught situation. At this current moment in time, you would be able to re-home the cute puppy. This is not a situation which you cannot do much to change - e.g. an older child resenting a new baby sibling: you would have to work within that context, even if it would be very hard, but it's not the right thing to struggle on with this poor puppy, who deserves more. It will only take one moment of inattention on your part for an injury to one of them to happen.

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/06/2022 16:14

sleepingophelia · 14/06/2022 12:37

He is such a chilled out dog

No, he is in survival mode - fight, flight, or freeze. The trauma of his new atmosphere is causing him to shut down. It's horrible.

EXACTLY THIS!

Herejustforthisone · 14/06/2022 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Herejustforthisone · 14/06/2022 18:20

Why on earth was my post deleted? For pointing out a terrorised puppy turns into an aggressive dog?

tenterden · 14/06/2022 18:28

That poor little dog being hit round the head - this thread is so upsetting.

Please @ohwhattodo96 if you actually love or care about this puppy, find a safe and loving home for it. I am not blaming your DD, the responsibility for this lies with you and what you do next.

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/06/2022 20:39

Is IS upsetting @tenterden - I know it isn't the child's fault (my DD is also autistic, but she was excessively affectionate with animals - was in danger of cuddling them to death), but the puppy is ill to begin with and is now being abused.

Poor little thing needs vet care and a lot of tender handling and calm cuddling. OP can't provide this and should let the poor little thing go where he will be cosseted.

As a PP said, the likelihood is that tis could turn into a dangerous dog (if he survives - we don't know what's wrong with him) just because he's frightened and tying to defend himself.

lborgia · 14/06/2022 22:06

OK, well I have 2 very stark examples of what can happen.

We have a dog that came to us full grown, and beautiful temperament. I was baffled as to why she was getting increasingly snarly with other dogs, and would lunge at them.

It became clear when I finally walked her with my DH, who had never had dogs and was far more anxious than either of us realised. All it had taken was for him to pull the dog away every time they were near other dogs, and she started to feel nervous of them herself.

This we could resolve, but our neighbours bought a puppy, in good health, and tried to raise it with 2 autistic children who adored it, but just couldn't cope. As the months went by the dog got more and more anxious, until after 2 years (and antidepressants, and all sorts of interventions), it bit one of the children, and then my friend on the face.

This is the reality of dogs. They not cute little providers of fun and affection. They're sentient beings that need intelligent help to become, and stay, happy, balanced creatures.

rainbowmilk · 14/06/2022 23:08

I struggle to understand why you’d bring an animal that can injure people into a house with a child that hits when she has meltdowns. I know someone will come along and accuse me of ableism for this, but just because humans are considered above animals does not give us the right to bring them into households where they may be hit. It’s dangerous for your daughter and traumatic and potentially fatal for the dog if it defends itself against what will seem like a genuine threat.

Please just rehome the dog. A reputable shelter will take them.

Teder · 14/06/2022 23:17

Please rehome the pup while he’s young enough to have be moulded into a good dog. Your daughter is unhappy, listen to her. This situation is not safe for anyone involved.

LicoricePizza · 14/06/2022 23:59

Red flags all over the place. Your daughter cannot tolerate him. You got him from an unreputable breeder. He is overly chilled (suspect illness/poor health). This is too stressful for your daughter. And the puppy. Please rehome via a reputable charity such as the Dogs Trust.

Ohtoberoavingagain · 15/06/2022 00:39

ohwhattodo96 · 14/06/2022 11:29

Our puppy isn’t boisterous though - he is the most calm and chilled out dog ever - he just sits there, doesn’t jump up or anything, that was his personality at the breeders too.

I personally think it’s because she’s either jealous of the attention or she isn’t liking being put on time out because of the dog. Surely those are fixable?

A difficult one. It could be jealousy, could be your daughter is angry you’ve brought something with a strong smell into the house ( which may well pee and poop in the house for a while)
Although the pup might seem calm and quiet that’s not really the best personality for a puppy— you want bold and playful — you later train them to be calm when you need them to be. A quiet puppy is often a distressed puppy but instead of crying ( like a human would) they shut down.
Puppies have sharp teeth, just a graze from one could put your dd off dogs for life.
I really think to introduce a puppy ( or even an older dog) to a child with special needs you have to be experienced in reading dog behaviour. This enables you to avoid problems and avoid stressing the child and the puppy.

I cannot believe a reputable breeder was struggling to sell puppies and there should have been an agreement to return the puppy. I think you have to consider this carefully as re-homing a dog aged 6 months plus who has fear/ behavioural problems , or worse has bitten your child, is going to be very difficult.

TruthHertz · 15/06/2022 00:43

Do you plan to have any more kids, OP? If so, this may be a good time to get your daughter accustomed to not being the sole focus of your attention.

XelaM · 15/06/2022 00:54

My daughter has been begging for a dog for ages and now that we have him and I absolutely adore him 🥰 she's quite jealous, so I can see your point OP.

XelaM · 15/06/2022 01:13

What breed is it? I would over-emphasise how much the puppy loves her and that she's his favourite person in the family (even if that's not true). Tell her how you're his only family because he was taken from his mum and siblings (this melts even my daughter's cold teenage heart).

daisypond · 15/06/2022 07:38

XelaM · 15/06/2022 01:13

What breed is it? I would over-emphasise how much the puppy loves her and that she's his favourite person in the family (even if that's not true). Tell her how you're his only family because he was taken from his mum and siblings (this melts even my daughter's cold teenage heart).

Well, that’s nonsense. The puppy won’t love her, especially if she shouts at it all the time and has hit it.

CandleSchtick · 15/06/2022 08:06

I feel sorry for your daughter

Me too. Most people are feeling sorry for the puppy (which of course shouldn't be ill-treated), but I feel so sorry for this child whose home and safe place has been invaded (in her eyes) for many years to come. As if she hasn't enough to deal with. I would never have had a dog in the first place, but in these circumstances I find it cruel to force the child to live in this way.

XelaM · 15/06/2022 09:34

So many dramatic posts on here! Animals are good for children's mental health and it is definitely possible to deal eith the initial jealousy issues.

XelaM · 15/06/2022 09:35

with*