Au pair expectations - am I crazy?

[Purplepublic835]

Host family need help!

Hello! I am a host mother that needs some help.

We had a first au pair and loved her, unfortunately she got a new job in her home country and wanted to take it (of course we were happy she did!). We are now on our second au pair and are having a totally different experience.

Let me just explain what we offer as a host family:

- standard weekly pocket money. We work shifts (me and my SO) which means things vary. The au pair may work 0 hours per week or a couple of days incl over night (no over nights so far), depending on if my SO is home.

- phone bill paid

- cinema trips paid for with eldest child (this is not babysitting/minding, this is company for the oldest and not mandatory) tickets and snacks

- food and board (any groceries needed just need to be asked for).

- light house work (clean after yourself and the kiddo when working)

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This worked super well with our first au pair. She fitted in with us so well, wanted to be part of the family. Was so sad to see her go. However, we are on week 3 of work (max 2.5 days work last week and 1 the week before) and I got a text message at 6.30am, due to start at 6.45am that they were feeling unwell and were 'going back to bed until they feel right' and nothing else, its now almost 10am and no word. I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened. I am not an ogre and am currently trying to work and juggle a toddler. Considering they have a trip for 2 weeks from Thursday booked (dates told to us last week as before that was vague) I find this all very hard to stomach.

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My questions are:

- What can I do to make this more of a fitting placement, I am not sure how to communicate any further what is expected as speaking with other host families, I have had shocked faces with my expectations and told it was a great offer. Do I have unreasonable expectations here?

- what are standard sick procedures for informing host families when you can't work?

- what is acceptable when 'room and board' is provided? I have no problem providing extra food, and was told there were no dietary requirements/dislikes, but was asked for an extra 50 euro worth of unusual and hard to find groceries on her first day (asian style and to make only one dish) - and another 40 euro in shampoo and hair care - is this normal?

- in regards to holiday pay, it is 2 weeks pay per 12 months. Considering I will be paying the pocket money over the next two weeks, do I just not pay any further monies for other holidays I know she will want?

- regularly finding dishes in the sink instead of dishwasher, pots and pans left and I had to clean the next day. I was very angry. Was I right to be?

I don’t think this is reasonable behaviour, no. Leaving her dirty dishes is a pisstake. Ditto 40£ hair products and 50£ food for one dish. Sickness I suppose it depends if she’s sick but she sounds like a pisstaker so I doubt it! How much is pocket money?

Pocket money is 120 per week. Regardless of hours worked. It does sound like a pisstaker and I’m getting annoyed today.

first au pair did ask for groceries of course but reasonable requests. Eg a packet of cookies/favourite sweets. Coffee she liked every month. She got embarrassed for asking for toiletries and stopped after the first month so we gave extra money every month for it.

The fact you’ve had another au pair and this situation has worked implies that it’s fair and reasonable. 120£ a week sounds like plenty on top of room and board, with quite minimal responsibilities.

the issue is that some people in life take the piss and are lazy. You’ve unfortunately captured one of those in the au pair net I think! Have a stern chat with her and if things don’t improve she needs to go.

I think you are right. Thank you. I was just wondering am I being extremely unreasonable is all. Thank you for the reality check.

‘Very angry’ about the dusters etc- can you explain further? Perhaps this is why she’s avoiding you?

as an au pair they’re presumably in the same house, you could always go and knock and see how they are?

no it’s definitely not the norm to pay for shampoo and specialist cooking ingredients.

Sorry- dishes not dusters.

Very angry as in I rage cleaned the pots before I worked. I didn’t shout at anyone or even say anything other than a quick text to say ‘hey please don’t leave dirty dishes’. And it was 2 weeks ago. She’s avoiding everyone unless Working and before the dirty dishes.

I could knock and probably will in a bit. I think I am going to have to lay down the law about groceries. Like buying shampoo and conditioner for 10 quid in the shopping is fine. 40 was a joke. I wouldn’t pay that for my own!

Is she really young? She sounds ill prepared for the job and homesick.

Early 20s and was an au pair previously in Finland - so not sure. I’m thinking I will have to have a chat tonight with her.

I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable but I am getting the impression that they’re not clear.

You’re willing to pay for toiletries and groceries but you might need to specify what you mean by this, or how much.

This person is presumably an older teen, or a young adult away from home for the first time - they may have limited understanding of the cost of things.

You need to sit down and discuss expectations around feeling unwell. I remember how much of a culture shock it was to discover that I was expected to work through the kind of minor ailments that in school I could be sent home for.

Cross posted with you

Perhaps that is true. Maybe I am not being clear.

I will be sitting her down tonight to explain these things. One or two things, I can absolutely leave them go. But it feels very much like I’m paying an extra adult for living in my house and very little benefit to me. Not even pleasant conversation.

Sounds like she's taking the piss tbh, but maybe she's unclear exactly what you are happy to 'provide' and what 'jobs' you expect her to do ?

I'd sit down with her and go through everything, step by step, explaining EXACTLY what you expect her to do. E.g Tidy/clean kitchen after cooking, cook lunch/dinner for kids, clean & tidy kids rooms daily etc Whatever 'jobs' she's given should be done daily (except on agreed days off), regardless of whether you're home or not.

Also 'fine tune' the exact details of what you're happy to spend. E.g 'I'm happy for you to add one or two small things to the shopping list, but if you want something special/unusual/expensive, then you'll need to buy it yourself.

You could maybe give her an agreed amount (monthly) for her to buy her own food/toiletries etc, so if she wants super expensive stuff then she'll have to pay the difference herself ?

Just put it all down on paper, then go through it with her. No-one expects an Au Pair job to be fantastic pay etc, but they do need to be told clearly exactly what you expect and what you will/will not pay for ? (I'd also be super clear about when/how sickness etc is reported and how holidays are requested/approved etc as well as the process you will follow if she doesn't comply e/g 1. Verbal warning. 2. Written warning etc, all the way to dismissal.)

Food and toiletries YANBU - she uses what you buy for the rest of the family and should be eating with you rather than cooking her own meals.

YABU and a CF if you really expect your au pair to babysit a toddler overnight. That is not what au pairs are supposed to do at all. It sounds like you need a nanny to do proxy parenting from time to time which would cost a lot more than the pocket money you are paying your au pair.

It's off you are in the same house and communicating by text. The face to face conversation sounds right and necessary. She doesn't sound right for you. You want someone to be part of the family and this one clearly wants the opposite. I'd suggest now it's not working for either of you and see how she responds. Make sure your advert is clear next time in why you are looking for.

She's in your home. If she's unwell why aren't you knocking on her bedroom door and asking her how she's feeling?

And why on earth are you paying for her shampoo and toiletries. You're providing food and board and pocket money. She pays for everything else she wants or needs out of the money you already pay her.

The food extras should be small things, as you say, special biscuits and such, not 50 euros for one meal's worth of stuff.

Never gave holiday pay when I had au pairs but perhaps that's changed.

You're keeping her and paying her for virtually no return from her and I wonder if she sees you as a soft touch and a bit of a mug.

Agree with pps sounds like she's taking the piss.

That makes perfect sense. I clearly just got super lucky with the first girl and didn’t need to spell things out. She was just so pleasant and on the ball.

what would a reasonable amount be monthly for ‘extras/toiletries’? 15?

I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened.

I do think this is quite unreasonable, she’s sick, she’s communicated that she’s basically phoned in sick, it’s totally not normal to have to appear in person when poorly, you wouldn’t have to do this in virtually any job. If she’s sick she’s sick.

She does sound like she’s taking advantage with the other stuff though, which must be incredibly frustrating when she’s living in your home. How long is she supposed to be with you for?

Overnight was explained in advance and I was told with au pairs it can be expected. A couple of nights where both parents are working per month is what was asked. So far and due to an injury it won’t be a thing. Over night is just to be available for a child who doesn’t wake til
morning. (7pm to 7am sleeping).

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all but I agree the expectations need to be crystal clear and preferably written down. I think you found someone lovely and you’ve now had the other side of the coin unfortunately.

12 months. This is week 3. I had felt as she was already in the kitchen she could have waiting for me to be there within 5 minutes. That’s all. I’ll take the unreasonable aspect.

I suppose I have no choice about text for the minute as I’m working an intense office job and have 2 yo to mind. I don’t have time to knock on someone’s door upstairs. I was planning to do so on my lunch.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about the illness until you see how ill your au pair actually is. It's short notice, but they may have literally just woken up feeling awful - not everyone gets up an hour or two before starting work. Given that they said they are too ill to work, I think a quiet knock on their door by 9am would have been in order to see if they are okay and if they need anything - I know you are really busy, but they might be in very bad shape.

My 18yo phoned me from their au pair placement in a terrible state, with symptoms which ticked nearly all the meningitis list, but they felt unable to press their employers to take them to hospital as the employers were already quite inconvenienced by having to look after the kids at short notice. I don't think the employers had any idea how ill they were. I know your au pair is an adult, but they presumably have no other support in the country, so your duty of care is higher than it might be for another type of employee.

If you keep checking on them, then it would give the right message that you care about them, and also the message that you expect they would normally come to work unless they were super ill.

In the case of the dirty dishes surely it would hand been quicker to go and knock for her to come and do it than to text her then do it yourself? Seems like she's deliberately avoiding you and it's being made easy for her.

Absolutely fair. I have done so now.