Au pair expectations - am I crazy?

[Purplepublic835]

Host family need help!

Hello! I am a host mother that needs some help.

We had a first au pair and loved her, unfortunately she got a new job in her home country and wanted to take it (of course we were happy she did!). We are now on our second au pair and are having a totally different experience.

Let me just explain what we offer as a host family:

- standard weekly pocket money. We work shifts (me and my SO) which means things vary. The au pair may work 0 hours per week or a couple of days incl over night (no over nights so far), depending on if my SO is home.

- phone bill paid

- cinema trips paid for with eldest child (this is not babysitting/minding, this is company for the oldest and not mandatory) tickets and snacks

- food and board (any groceries needed just need to be asked for).

- light house work (clean after yourself and the kiddo when working)

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This worked super well with our first au pair. She fitted in with us so well, wanted to be part of the family. Was so sad to see her go. However, we are on week 3 of work (max 2.5 days work last week and 1 the week before) and I got a text message at 6.30am, due to start at 6.45am that they were feeling unwell and were 'going back to bed until they feel right' and nothing else, its now almost 10am and no word. I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened. I am not an ogre and am currently trying to work and juggle a toddler. Considering they have a trip for 2 weeks from Thursday booked (dates told to us last week as before that was vague) I find this all very hard to stomach.

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My questions are:

- What can I do to make this more of a fitting placement, I am not sure how to communicate any further what is expected as speaking with other host families, I have had shocked faces with my expectations and told it was a great offer. Do I have unreasonable expectations here?

- what are standard sick procedures for informing host families when you can't work?

- what is acceptable when 'room and board' is provided? I have no problem providing extra food, and was told there were no dietary requirements/dislikes, but was asked for an extra 50 euro worth of unusual and hard to find groceries on her first day (asian style and to make only one dish) - and another 40 euro in shampoo and hair care - is this normal?

- in regards to holiday pay, it is 2 weeks pay per 12 months. Considering I will be paying the pocket money over the next two weeks, do I just not pay any further monies for other holidays I know she will want?

- regularly finding dishes in the sink instead of dishwasher, pots and pans left and I had to clean the next day. I was very angry. Was I right to be?

Agreed. And I’m looking at how to make It better. Thank you for the advice. I don’t want to take advantage of her, or be taken advantage either.

was holiday pay normal for your daughter? Someone else said no, but I thought it was?

I have been an au pair before and the money I got paid included anything I needed to buy for myself other than food which the family provided. I think you could offer a bit extra on top of her weekly allowance and she can then buy her own toiletries and special food etc.

I think it's also really important to have a contract if you don't already? This might make her take the role more seriously and will also give you grounds to let her go if she constantly breaches it. You can even add something like tidying up after yourself. (Sorry if that's already been mentioned).

Remember as well that they are away from home and you're basically like a second family. She could just be feeling a bit homesick so might appreciate a friendly ear.

Had many au pairs over the years. Thankfully children are older now so don’t need them. It’s just luck of the draw. Half have been amazing girls, part of the family, still in regular contact now years later and still come to visit us. The other half were truly dreadful and a massive stress all round. Barely any were in the middle and just ok. It tends to be either amazing or awful.

One thing I learned though was not to flog a dead horse. Give it a few weeks to try and turn things around but if then still not working out just move on and find another one. If it’s not working for you it’s not working for them either and they will be unhappy and looking for another family or planning on going back home anyway.

Board plus 120 euros a week! Plus extras, ridiculous extras at that. I will come and work for you.

So far, she has done nothing.

(and I was ready to jump in with YABU, as most au pair posts are on MN)

Holiday pay should be at least four weeks, the EU requirement has not been repealed (hopefully never will be).

So in four hours you haven’t had time to knock on the door, ask how she is feeling and if she needs anything like water, painkillers or a cup of tea ? Ask yourself if you would have done that if she was your daughter or your niece who told you she was too unwell to get up. Ask yourself if you would want/ expect an employer in the same circumstances to do so for your child?

Ok. Things are getting a bit clearer now. Thank you.

I'm another who thinks that if it doesn't work, then be prepared to change it sooner rather than later. But obviously check she's not terribly homesick first and if she is, consider asking around the area for other au pairs. They really do love meeting others in the same situation, and it makes them very grateful for a good environment! My best au pairs had the best social life..
I would also encourage her to have dinner most evenings with you and ask if she wants to watch Love Island or whatever. If she's sitting up there watching netflix in her own language, she's going to feel disconnected and lonely.
You're being generous and the hours seem okay.
Ultimately it's luck of the draw with au pairs. My final experience meant we moved to nannies which I understand won't work for you given your unreliable shift patterns.

I had sent a message to ask - unfortunately I am the only one home besides the toddler. I am trying to juggle them and work right now and it’s barely possible. The reply I had gotten to ask if they needed anything was ‘I’m ok for now thank you’. Im sorry you don’t feel that’s adequate but i would be the same with my own family members. Check when I can but unfortunately have my hands full.

PP is right, do not flog a dead horse.

Get a different au pair.

No, do not start making her cups of tea either !

I never paid for personal products for our au pair.

She had a pre-paid grocery card for extra groceries and just topped up herself.

Getting expectations right though for a non-qualified childcarer is down to you though. You need to make it really clear exactly what she needs to do when she's looking after the children. I always did weekly sheets for them - or you could put something on the fridge

Eg: 4pm: Make dinner, please wash up afterwards and wipe surfaces and table
5pm: Bath, please empty the bath afterwards and hang up towel to dry

etc....I always assume no knowledge/common sense!

I’ve already provided contact details for other au pairs (waiting on more). She is invited to dinner other than the odd night I don’t make one, and watches tv most nights with the oldest (they have similar taste where as we don’t). We do ask does she want to come with us on errands/outings but doesn’t always.

I think we just got super lucky with the first one is all.

Got it. That seems reasonable to me too. I might do an extra 20 per month for ‘sundries’ say. That seems more than enough for toiletries based on my own (shampoo, conditioner, body wash and feminine hygiene).

I do have a daily schedule on the fridge. But it is ‘loose’ in the sense I have guidelines and no regimented info 9-10-am breakfast then dressed etc etc.

I would just use a Nursery. It sounds like you have a extra child in the house now, who costs you a fortune for occasional babysitting. Is all this hassle worth it?

I've been on both sides of this debate, was an Au Pair and have employed too. It's really tough to acclimatise, culture shock, expectations, the perfect first Au Pair anecdotes etc and she may be finding this tough. You need to agree the expectations mutually and if possible, in a place without distractions. The translation of Au Pair, is on Par, does she feel welcome? Because I've been on placement when I really didn't and its horrible. But agree with PP, you need to sort sooner rather than later.

Crikey, your au pair has got herself a real cushy number with you. I know times have changed and it's been many years since I worked as an au pair, but in all my jobs I worked much longer hours, never left dirty dishes/pots and never asked for any special food, I always ate with my families except at the weekends when I did my own thing. I also never expected my host family to buy my toiletries, they paid me a wage and as I got B&B free I was more than able to afford my own shampoo. All my au pair mates were the same. I'd jump at a job that offered the conditions you are offering and don't think you'd have any trouble finding another au pair.

You’re not. She’s massively taking the piss.

it not for occasional babysitting. It’s for fairly frequent overnight care when both parents are working night shifts. It’s been clearly explained.

She really is, and I was an au pair also, back in the day, for a very posh family in Paris who treated me extremely well. But not as well as this.

I can[t believe her calling in sick, she could have been, but clearly is not. Sort out swiftly! Good luck.

I think its time to let this one go. How long is your notice period?

She is presumably young. You have said if you want any other food or toiletries just ask, and you are angry because she has asked.
You are being unfair.
She has presumably come from another country. How is she supposed to know if the foods she had asked for are hard to find and expensive. They may be perfectly standard in her home town.
You need clear expectations. So far better to say you can use whatever food you want in the house. If you want anything else or you can buy it up to a maximum of £x per month.
I also wonder if the foods you have bought are things you use over a long time and the fact you say it was for one dish suggests this. So if you do little cooking from scratch you may have no or very few herbs and spices, things like fish sauce, or seeds for cooking. These things are expensive to buy in one bunch but will last a long time. If this is the case you are being unreasonable.

Remember this is a young person in a foreign country away from home for the first time. You need to calmly communicate what is reasonable. You should have said at the beginning what you want her to do if she is ill. The first time she left dishes in the sink you should have said what your expectations are.

She is in her 20s. My 14 DD does not leave dishes in the sink!

And it does not matter whether other people say they would not have done what your au pair is doing. They are not young and away from home for the first time in your household.

Those saying just get another au pair - there is a real shortage of au pairs at the moment in Britain. It may not be that easy, or you may have the same difficulties as you do not communicate clearly. So anyone with different ideas to you is going to struggle.

@adriftabroad so what? I leave dishes in the sink for a few hours. Expectations at different houses are different. That is why you need to communicate clearly the first time someone does something you are not happy with. Not be passive aggressive huffing and puffing as you wash up the dishes but do not actually say anything to the au pair herself.
Passive aggressiveness does not work when you have an au pair in your house.

I might be being unfair, but it is to make ramen from scratch and zero frozen/long life foods.

I may have been to vague on the just ask but will be laying it out clearly now. Feeding an extra adult and buying extra snacks (biscuits/crisps) would be fine or the regular toiletries again fine, but 40 euro for shampoo, conditioner and hair mask is not normal on top of 50 euro for the above mentioned dish.

I am going to be clearer but I never thought anyone would rock up into a hosts family and 1/2 days later be asking for this level of spending on them.