Au pair expectations - am I crazy?

[Purplepublic835]

Host family need help!

Hello! I am a host mother that needs some help.

We had a first au pair and loved her, unfortunately she got a new job in her home country and wanted to take it (of course we were happy she did!). We are now on our second au pair and are having a totally different experience.

Let me just explain what we offer as a host family:

- standard weekly pocket money. We work shifts (me and my SO) which means things vary. The au pair may work 0 hours per week or a couple of days incl over night (no over nights so far), depending on if my SO is home.

- phone bill paid

- cinema trips paid for with eldest child (this is not babysitting/minding, this is company for the oldest and not mandatory) tickets and snacks

- food and board (any groceries needed just need to be asked for).

- light house work (clean after yourself and the kiddo when working)

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This worked super well with our first au pair. She fitted in with us so well, wanted to be part of the family. Was so sad to see her go. However, we are on week 3 of work (max 2.5 days work last week and 1 the week before) and I got a text message at 6.30am, due to start at 6.45am that they were feeling unwell and were 'going back to bed until they feel right' and nothing else, its now almost 10am and no word. I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened. I am not an ogre and am currently trying to work and juggle a toddler. Considering they have a trip for 2 weeks from Thursday booked (dates told to us last week as before that was vague) I find this all very hard to stomach.

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My questions are:

- What can I do to make this more of a fitting placement, I am not sure how to communicate any further what is expected as speaking with other host families, I have had shocked faces with my expectations and told it was a great offer. Do I have unreasonable expectations here?

- what are standard sick procedures for informing host families when you can't work?

- what is acceptable when 'room and board' is provided? I have no problem providing extra food, and was told there were no dietary requirements/dislikes, but was asked for an extra 50 euro worth of unusual and hard to find groceries on her first day (asian style and to make only one dish) - and another 40 euro in shampoo and hair care - is this normal?

- in regards to holiday pay, it is 2 weeks pay per 12 months. Considering I will be paying the pocket money over the next two weeks, do I just not pay any further monies for other holidays I know she will want?

- regularly finding dishes in the sink instead of dishwasher, pots and pans left and I had to clean the next day. I was very angry. Was I right to be?

@antelopevalley - the French au pair my DM had and also a French exchange student who stayed with NDN's - both refused to speak English and were quite moody.

Later when I was an older teen we had language students stay with us and one German teen was so rude to me, talking over me, pushing past me - my older boyfriend who stayed one night was visibly shocked. She seemed to think it was her right to be pushy and rude!

So it's not just English people who are poor at social communication. My own DM, her dad was German/French mix directly and grew up in Germany as a child/teenager.

@antelopevalley I don’t know she’s not ill. I didn’t say that. I said it smacks of it, ie would raise a suspicion in my mind. I’m not suggesting the OP say that to her. But it’s a good reason why jobs often expect someone to pick up the phone rather than texting - or in this case could be face to face. There’s no way of knowing via text.

Just seems suspicious when the OP has needed so little from her so far, and when she is needed she’s “not quite right” and “going back to sleep”. It feels like she thinks work is optional.

We had au pairs for several years, mainly with great success. I would never have said “you’re not ill” but wouldn’t be impressed by this in the context OP describes. We’ve all had to drag ourselves into work “not quite right” before.

I agree Ireland has no shortage of au pairs - the pick of the crop, in fact, post Brexit.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns Of course other people in other cultures can be poor communicators. But the English seem particularly keen on unwritten rules and passive-aggressiveness. This can lead to people from other cultures trying their best, but not knowing why someone is unhappy with them as no one tells them what unwritten rules they have broken.

Someone simply being rude is a different matter and I would get rid of an au pair like that. But the English culture seems to involve being a poor cross-cultural communicator because of the unwritten rules. It is why on so many threads giving advice about au pairs on MN people recommend setting out clear expectations and rules on the first day.

@antelopevalley - well my DM (English) wasn't keen on unwritten rules and passive aggressiveness and neither was the NDN mother, who was German but living in London.

It's a big sweeping generalisation to say about the English, though I have to admit I sometimes leave some things unsaid, only because I don't like speaking to people about issues/confrontation.

Our au pairs had 20/22 days holiday officially I think (this is I can’t remember rather than I didn’t know at the time!), but we generally agreed to more, as they were so good, and didn’t keep on asking for more holiday. I was always flexible and accommodating.

Two whole weeks this early on is taking the piss though!

Did have one au pair who was very young and kept talking about “the holidays” as though she assumed she had the whole school holidays off each time. Had to address that quite promptly! Had been set out at the time of interviewing / written offer of course, but it was a bit of a theme with au pairs that not everything was remembered or even read if it was in a document, and a conversation would need to be had post arrival about bits and pieces.

Valid point. I think the op did say she didn't have to go to the cinema though? That it was more company for the older child and optional? I could have read that wrong. The cinema is expensive here though. We went recently, 2 adults, 1 child, 1 kids treat box, 1 medium popcorn, 2 medium cokes cost €47. Bloody rip off.

£120 a week is a lot more than just pocket money. She should be buying her own toiletries from that or at most using supermarket/ Boots type products you provide. If she doesn’t like, she buys her own.

2 weeks paid holiday per year means you pay her for 2 weeks away and no more. What I suspect she will do is take the holiday and your money and then leave.

Do you have a written contract? Make sure she understands her duties and house rules. Cleaning up after yourself should be house rule 1.

Exactly this - it is optional and movies suitable for 12/15 audience. Its company and not babysitting. My eldest can go with her own friends. It was more of a nice gesture for the au pair and being treated exactly as my own kid. Its a perk in the sense I pay for a monthly pass for the au pair so that they go as often as they like (and not always with my kid).

I am not saying she's not ill, I suppose I hadn't discussed sick policy yet as we are on our 3rd week today and was a little shocked at the text 10 mins before starting work. I would have thought even just to say face to face she wasn't feeling well would have been norm (as my last au pair did it and nothing was said).

I get different societal norms and the like, I am just a bit miffed about the whole situation on both sides. I think we do need the sit down and re-evaluation and I am learning where I need to be clearer.

Toiletries and personal stuff like haircare should come out of her wages. It's mad to pay her 50€ for food for one meal and 40€ for hair products. Unbelievable? Get rid asap.

The holidays being taken so early seems a bit off especially when things aren't going great. Are they earned pro rata, so if she leaves soon after the extra taken (above what was earned) will be deducted as it is with regular jobs?

The reason I had two great au pairs but the third invented a terrible car accident in her home country, involving several close family members being horrifically injured, that she had to go back home for. But she didn't have to go home for another week. Refused all offers of lifts to airport etc, insisted on taking bus on her own, and I saw her in town a couple of weeks later...clearly she got a better offer from another family after she arrived!

I didn't get any help replacing her from the au pair agency because she stayed 4.5 weeks and they only covered up to 4 weeks (if she'd left when the 'accident' happened they would have replaced her). So I would have had to pay another fee to get another au pair.

Anyway I'd say be careful with that two weeks full holiday pay. People do skip out on jobs by just not returning after they have taken all their paid holiday.

She has way too much stuff here to bring it, so we would know - we paid for the flights and luggage over - 2 suitcases and 2 carry on bags. Took her a week to unpack and I've seen her room is definitely not unpacked.

It's not working out and no amount of discussion will make it work.
As she'll shortly be away for 2 weeks is it possible to end the contract and find someone else ? A pain I know but better than a year of this.

OP, she has saved up her wages and is going anyway.

I would say you will pay her on her return. For her holidays.

She is off (which is good) but do not give her 100s euros to do this.

She sounds appalling. More and more I think of it.

Again, I never normally agree with thes threads. But she actually has not really worked at all and you have been more than generous. It has caused you massive inconvenience.

She wanted a free Air B&B in Ireland for a few weeks and 500 euros thrown in.

I've had 4 au pairs and none of them had the CF to ask for €40 of hair care or ingredients worth €50 for one meal! She sounds spoilt and entitled. I'd start being clear with her and in the background start looking for someone new. I'd be inclined to give her notice when she is on holiday and have someone lined up to start asap.

Do you have plenty of choice available? Someone else posted last week that they were in the EU and were flooded with au pair applications when they recently put an ad out for one on aupairworld.

I would say you will pay her on her return. For her holidays.

I agree with this. I'd also state she hasn't accrued two weeks worth yet so you can't pay her in full. Set firm boundaries and on the off chance she stays with you for a few months then it sets expectations of what you'll tolerate.

@Purplepublic835 it sounds like she's getting a great deal. You, not so much. But I honestly don't know what I'd do about it.

This sounds like the best option. I don't think she's gonna do a runner, but at the same time I don't think its fair to expect holiday pay this early, when its definitely not earned.

I think I will give it a month after her return but keep an eye at the same time for a replacement.

I am happy to cover reasonable toiletries but I thought 40 was taking the piss is all. Their hair is not a special type and is a regular thick European type (same as my own). I do use speciality products but my shampoo and conditioner bill is 20 for both per buy and lasts 6 months.The bottles I bought for her are the same 500ml size so not like the 1l salon ones or something.

I may have been slightly vague and I will accept responsibility there. But it was explained to me the au pair is an extra family member and should be fitting in with the family members, my shopping shouldn't have an extra 1/3 per week due to toiletries for one person!

Anyway I'd say be careful with that two weeks full holiday pay. People do skip out on jobs by just not returning after they have taken all their paid holiday.

She wanted a free Air B&B in Ireland for a few weeks and 500 euros thrown in.

I have had aupairs for many years and of all 'the relatives fallen suddenly ill' excuses, I have not had one who actively tried to scam. That said, great respect to the brilliant minds of the posters who thought of this level of deviousness.

I would say unless she has a huge personality transplant between now and Thursday when she goes off on two week's leave, and puts in a good slug of work to make up for her deficiencies, it is best to tell her that the arrangement is not working out and that it ends on Thursday, don't come back. This saves you having to live with a sullen girl under your roof whilst you performance manage her and second guess her next trick.

If you don't have the heart to do that (although I would say it is worth it to grow a pair), tell her the next 2 weeks will be unpaid or at least withhold it until the end of her contract. Honestly, just end it.

@roses you need to set expectations like this at the beginning. Not suddenly say I can't pay you what I agreed to pay.

@Purplepublic835 but you would tell a family member staying, say a cousin, that the toiletries they asked for is too much.

I get what you're saying but think it was just thoughtlessness/carelessness out of the au pair. I did of course say I would pick up extra's in groceries, but neither she nor I are asian (nor in an asian country) so the extras were well outside the norm. I wouldn't expect my kids to buy reasonable toiletries out of their own pocket, and am happy to provide those. On you point, she does not have a speciality hair type that needs extremely expensive toiletries.

I am not trying to be mean to her, and do want her to feel welcome however I will not be continuing to do a 50euro trip to asian stores for one meal for one person.

You are morally totally in the clear here. Totally.

What a pain.While she is away find someone else. She can come back and collect her stuff, but I think she[s gone (personally)

My friend (in Spain, but now in UK) uses people from something I think called workaway something. 3 months only, but will plug the gap. Duries exactly as you require. Lovely experiences each time.

People are desparate to go to Ireland and get paid that much for doing very little, frankly.