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AIBU?

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Original poster

Au pair expectations - am I crazy?

200 replies

Purplepublic835 · 14/06/2022 10:11

Host family need help!

Hello! I am a host mother that needs some help.

We had a first au pair and loved her, unfortunately she got a new job in her home country and wanted to take it (of course we were happy she did!). We are now on our second au pair and are having a totally different experience.

Let me just explain what we offer as a host family:

- standard weekly pocket money. We work shifts (me and my SO) which means things vary. The au pair may work 0 hours per week or a couple of days incl over night (no over nights so far), depending on if my SO is home.

- phone bill paid

- cinema trips paid for with eldest child (this is not babysitting/minding, this is company for the oldest and not mandatory) tickets and snacks

- food and board (any groceries needed just need to be asked for).

- light house work (clean after yourself and the kiddo when working)

​

This worked super well with our first au pair. She fitted in with us so well, wanted to be part of the family. Was so sad to see her go. However, we are on week 3 of work (max 2.5 days work last week and 1 the week before) and I got a text message at 6.30am, due to start at 6.45am that they were feeling unwell and were 'going back to bed until they feel right' and nothing else, its now almost 10am and no word. I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened. I am not an ogre and am currently trying to work and juggle a toddler. Considering they have a trip for 2 weeks from Thursday booked (dates told to us last week as before that was vague) I find this all very hard to stomach.

​

My questions are:

- What can I do to make this more of a fitting placement, I am not sure how to communicate any further what is expected as speaking with other host families, I have had shocked faces with my expectations and told it was a great offer. Do I have unreasonable expectations here?

- what are standard sick procedures for informing host families when you can't work?

- what is acceptable when 'room and board' is provided? I have no problem providing extra food, and was told there were no dietary requirements/dislikes, but was asked for an extra 50 euro worth of unusual and hard to find groceries on her first day (asian style and to make only one dish) - and another 40 euro in shampoo and hair care - is this normal?

- in regards to holiday pay, it is 2 weeks pay per 12 months. Considering I will be paying the pocket money over the next two weeks, do I just not pay any further monies for other holidays I know she will want?

- regularly finding dishes in the sink instead of dishwasher, pots and pans left and I had to clean the next day. I was very angry. Was I right to be?

OP posts:
antelopevalley · 14/06/2022 15:50

If it was 21 hours over two weeks it is not illegal. But the 2 weeks paid holiday is illegal.

@blueshoes my only axe to grind is the lack of understanding many English people seem to have in relation to cross-cultural communication and other issues. I do think most English people still have little understanding of the challenges of living in a very different culture and so have little understanding. I see it on MN all the time. People complain about the strange way au pairs wash dishes or complain their au pair wants a cooked meal at lunch and not a sandwich. There often seems little understanding that how people do things in other cultures can be very different and at times a real insistence that the English way is the only right way.

Original poster
Purplepublic835 · 14/06/2022 15:50

EnterACloud · 14/06/2022 15:44

I haven't done the maths but I THINK the OP made a formatting error. The post read "work in the first 2 weeks came to a total of 28 hour days and 15 hour day"

But due to the bolding I think she initially typed "work in the first 2 weeks came to a total of 2 x 8 hour days and 1 x 5 hour day" (but with asterisks)

Show quote history

That is 100% correct. I made a mistake with asterisks so thank you. The au pair has worked a TOTAL of 21 hours over 2 weeks and been paid 120 each week so
far. I am not answering that person any more as they seem to find fault no matter what I say and are making me out to be taking advantage of the girl when I genuinely am not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplepublic835 · 14/06/2022 15:52

And in relation to holidays I was trying to clarify it as 2 weeks was very little in my book. Surely she’d want Christmas at home. Hence why I was asking as the EU contract from the agency stated 2 weeks per 12 months and I felt it was unfair.

OP posts:
antelopevalley · 14/06/2022 15:54

Look at the link I posted. That says the legal position.

Original poster
Purplepublic835 · 14/06/2022 15:55

antelopevalley · 14/06/2022 15:54

Look at the link I posted. That says the legal position.

Whatever your axe to grind with English people is, is your issue. Take it elsewhere. I’m not English.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/06/2022 15:55

I think when you see pots left in the sink not washed up, you have a fair indicator of what you are getting au pair wise.

A bit of cop on and self awareness would ensure she would clean up after herself.

As for paying holiday money after a couple of weeks, ridiculous.

I think most people who have had au pairs over successive years would tell you that the more effort you put into laying out expectations on both sides, the better.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 14/06/2022 15:56

Purplepublic835 · 14/06/2022 15:52

And in relation to holidays I was trying to clarify it as 2 weeks was very little in my book. Surely she’d want Christmas at home. Hence why I was asking as the EU contract from the agency stated 2 weeks per 12 months and I felt it was unfair.

Actually you asked if you have to pay her for holidays above and beyond 2 weeks. That's not something you'd ask if you thought it was unfair and were going to give her more.

Purplepublic835 · 14/06/2022 15:58

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antelopevalley · 14/06/2022 16:05

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SamPoodle123 · 14/06/2022 16:06

She sounds like bad news. I had an au pair who decided she was sick and told me last minute jsut like you two days into work. She did not work for days. Straight away I had a bad feeling and then of course she was ready to go out over the weekend. Anyways, she pulled so many sick days I lost count. I could not rely on her. I wish I just got rid of her way earlier. Find another au pair. Trust me. I have had a few au pairs over the years. I had one take one day off because she felt unwell and another took a day off because had bad period day. But it was one day and not many many days over the period of staying with us. If it is not working early on...chances are it will not work.

SamPoodle123 · 14/06/2022 16:09

And au pairs should not be taking holidays so early one, unless agreed before hiring. Au pairs earn 2 days per month and they can save them up to use them later on. My au pairs always asked me before planning holidays. Of course we always let them and they were usually only long weekends once in a while..so missing only one day or two days max. Except over xmas obviously.

blueshoes · 14/06/2022 16:18

antelopevalley: "@blueshoes my only axe to grind is the lack of understanding many English people seem to have in relation to cross-cultural communication and other issues. I do think most English people still have little understanding of the challenges of living in a very different culture and so have little understanding. I see it on MN all the time. People complain about the strange way au pairs wash dishes or complain their au pair wants a cooked meal at lunch and not a sandwich. There often seems little understanding that how people do things in other cultures can be very different and at times a real insistence that the English way is the only right way."

Your beef with OP goes way beyond this. Sorry but I don't buy it. You seem to want to paint the OP as deliberately acting illegally.

I am not from UK either and come from a completely different culture. It is not impossible for the twain to meet. OP is not disagreeing that she should have been clearer. These are just teething problems.

adriftabroad · 14/06/2022 16:20

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adriftabroad · 14/06/2022 16:23

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Are you quite OK?

WombatChocolate · 14/06/2022 16:32

Communication and clarity up front about expectations is key.

My friend is on their 10th au pair in about 13 years. What works is clear expectations and a routine, not a flexible system that varies week to week. Remembering au pairs become part of the family and are often little beyond school girls or students and need a lot of input and likely to lack initiative, is key.

My friend has lists of chores. They are written down in minute detail and copies of instructions for things like laundry are laminated by washing machine. Nothing is assumed to be obvious or not covered. In the first week, friend shadows au pair and does the tasks and models them with au pair. Answers questions, corrects. Always points out when something isn’t quite right - nicely but clearly. Communicates. Makes sure time off entitlements are clear, pocket money and any extras which can be asked for. Is flexible for things like family illness requiring trip home. Appreciates this a teen or early 20 abroad and alone and cuts them some slack for homesickness etc.Facilitiates them accessing language lessons and contact with other au pairs or people their age. My friend acts as a hybrid employer/part time parent. It requires a lot of thought and effort in the early stages.

My friend has had 1 au pair that didn’t work out, who returned home after about 8 weeks. She has had lots who have been brilliant and have become family friends and a couple who have been okay but not brilliant.

The key has been my friend knowing exactly what she wanted and being willing to put into the au pair at the start rather than seeing this a S cheap Labour that arrives and should just get on with it.

I take the view that you need to give more input and support. Yes, the au pair is there to help and support you and not make work for you, but YOU need to out work in and support them at the start so they can effectively carry out their role and where this isn’t forthcoming at the start, it rarely works as well as if the host family (host not employer) puts the time in.

And there’s a balance. Au pairs need time and space to be without the family. They might want to go to the cinema…..but not with your DD. They might like to watch the TV in their bedroom and not sit with you. Or they might need some company. They differ and their individual personalities need accommodating to different degrees.

One way my friend has talked about the au pairs, is to imagine it’s your DS or DD at age 19/20 and what you’d hope a family would do for them in that situation, especially if abroad and without friends.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 14/06/2022 16:33

Not read whole thread, but why don’t you have proper childcare for your 2 yo? You’re working an intense job and looking after the child at the same time?
also you don’t have to pay for au pair toiletries, I have never heard of this.

Threebutterflies · 14/06/2022 16:34

Wow sounds like a great job ! If I didn’t have kids I’d apply lol 😆 you sound like a great employer

NotSur · 14/06/2022 16:36

Your first au pair sounded reasonable and the arrangement clearly worked the one you currently have sounds more like you’ve decided to employ someone just to act like a spoilt teen not an au pair !!

blueshoes · 14/06/2022 16:39

WombatChocolate · 14/06/2022 16:32

Communication and clarity up front about expectations is key.

My friend is on their 10th au pair in about 13 years. What works is clear expectations and a routine, not a flexible system that varies week to week. Remembering au pairs become part of the family and are often little beyond school girls or students and need a lot of input and likely to lack initiative, is key.

My friend has lists of chores. They are written down in minute detail and copies of instructions for things like laundry are laminated by washing machine. Nothing is assumed to be obvious or not covered. In the first week, friend shadows au pair and does the tasks and models them with au pair. Answers questions, corrects. Always points out when something isn’t quite right - nicely but clearly. Communicates. Makes sure time off entitlements are clear, pocket money and any extras which can be asked for. Is flexible for things like family illness requiring trip home. Appreciates this a teen or early 20 abroad and alone and cuts them some slack for homesickness etc.Facilitiates them accessing language lessons and contact with other au pairs or people their age. My friend acts as a hybrid employer/part time parent. It requires a lot of thought and effort in the early stages.

My friend has had 1 au pair that didn’t work out, who returned home after about 8 weeks. She has had lots who have been brilliant and have become family friends and a couple who have been okay but not brilliant.

The key has been my friend knowing exactly what she wanted and being willing to put into the au pair at the start rather than seeing this a S cheap Labour that arrives and should just get on with it.

I take the view that you need to give more input and support. Yes, the au pair is there to help and support you and not make work for you, but YOU need to out work in and support them at the start so they can effectively carry out their role and where this isn’t forthcoming at the start, it rarely works as well as if the host family (host not employer) puts the time in.

And there’s a balance. Au pairs need time and space to be without the family. They might want to go to the cinema…..but not with your DD. They might like to watch the TV in their bedroom and not sit with you. Or they might need some company. They differ and their individual personalities need accommodating to different degrees.

One way my friend has talked about the au pairs, is to imagine it’s your DS or DD at age 19/20 and what you’d hope a family would do for them in that situation, especially if abroad and without friends.

I 100% agree with this, down to the detailed written down instructions including a time table by hour.

I have had aupairs for 10+ years before I gratefully hung up my host mum spurs and seen it all.

Thegroaninggurner · 14/06/2022 16:54

Wow I think your very generous, I would come and work for that, bed, board, shopping, all bills paid and £120 a week too lol

Giraffesandbottoms · 14/06/2022 17:09

Didn't think au pairs were expected to do sole care or overnights

2 overnights with a child sleeping 7-7 when it’s been confirmed beforehand seems perfectly reasonable to me

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2022 17:21

antelopevalley · 14/06/2022 12:12

I am not for a minute suggesting you are not being kind. But what you are lacking is very clear communication.

Which the OP seems to be taking on board

antelopevalley · 14/06/2022 17:23

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mathanxiety · 14/06/2022 17:42

If you were buying £40 worth of hair products every week that would be unreasonable. But I would assume the stuff you bought will last longer than one week?

The 'unusual' and hard to find ingredients for one dinner she made sounds like a case of homesickness to me. Is she Asian? If yes, then I think you could have anticipated buying Asian meal ingredients.

Going to the cinema with the older child is absolutely, 100% babysitting the child at the cinema. Is she free to see an adult rated movie with the older child? Or does she have to stick to movies rated for the age of the child?

Au pairing is a cultural exchange programme. It's not hiring a nanny from abroad.

The au pair should have a chance to do language classes, see llocal and regional attractions, etc. Your higgledy piggledy hours make it impossible for her to make arrangements in advance to do any of that.

YABU here.
She's not a nanny.

And rage cleaning?
Grow up.

mathanxiety · 14/06/2022 17:50

And overnights in sole charge of the children are extremely unreasonable and not what au pairing is all about.

You are basically expecting live in nanny duties on the uber cheap, and moaning about a very small extra expense for food and toiletries when compared with what you should be paying to have someone basically sit around at your beck and call and have no chance to do what au pairs are supposed to be able to do.

If you were sourcing child care honestly you would be paying a live in nanny at least ten times what you're getting the services of this girl for. You would be paying NI too.

You are exploiting the au pairs.