Au pair expectations - am I crazy?

[Purplepublic835]

Host family need help!

Hello! I am a host mother that needs some help.

We had a first au pair and loved her, unfortunately she got a new job in her home country and wanted to take it (of course we were happy she did!). We are now on our second au pair and are having a totally different experience.

Let me just explain what we offer as a host family:

- standard weekly pocket money. We work shifts (me and my SO) which means things vary. The au pair may work 0 hours per week or a couple of days incl over night (no over nights so far), depending on if my SO is home.

- phone bill paid

- cinema trips paid for with eldest child (this is not babysitting/minding, this is company for the oldest and not mandatory) tickets and snacks

- food and board (any groceries needed just need to be asked for).

- light house work (clean after yourself and the kiddo when working)

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This worked super well with our first au pair. She fitted in with us so well, wanted to be part of the family. Was so sad to see her go. However, we are on week 3 of work (max 2.5 days work last week and 1 the week before) and I got a text message at 6.30am, due to start at 6.45am that they were feeling unwell and were 'going back to bed until they feel right' and nothing else, its now almost 10am and no word. I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened. I am not an ogre and am currently trying to work and juggle a toddler. Considering they have a trip for 2 weeks from Thursday booked (dates told to us last week as before that was vague) I find this all very hard to stomach.

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My questions are:

- What can I do to make this more of a fitting placement, I am not sure how to communicate any further what is expected as speaking with other host families, I have had shocked faces with my expectations and told it was a great offer. Do I have unreasonable expectations here?

- what are standard sick procedures for informing host families when you can't work?

- what is acceptable when 'room and board' is provided? I have no problem providing extra food, and was told there were no dietary requirements/dislikes, but was asked for an extra 50 euro worth of unusual and hard to find groceries on her first day (asian style and to make only one dish) - and another 40 euro in shampoo and hair care - is this normal?

- in regards to holiday pay, it is 2 weeks pay per 12 months. Considering I will be paying the pocket money over the next two weeks, do I just not pay any further monies for other holidays I know she will want?

- regularly finding dishes in the sink instead of dishwasher, pots and pans left and I had to clean the next day. I was very angry. Was I right to be?

A can of baked beans is a treat in Spain, 1 euro 20 (if you can get them)

English produce here is easily 50 euro. Easily. So it depends what she was asking for.

It could also be very hard to find.

I would love, crave marmite, crumpets etc. Not possible or $$$$$$$s

OP, you are a nice host mum and want to make her feel welcome. An aupair is an uncomfortable and disconcerting mix between a family member and an employee. Over the years, I have veered more and more towards the latter and I find some aupairs actually prefer the latter. They have their own social life which is separate from the host family's.

Therefore, unless this aupair particularly wants to be part of the family, I would manage her as I would manage any staff member at work. Polite, sympathetic noises but quietly firm if it affects your family life. As others say, she is there to make your life easier not more complicated.

That way, she gets the lie of the land sooner and can decide whether it is for her (and you). If you have to move the goalposts occasionally, so be it. The arrangement is meant to be flexible but with enough notice to her so she can plan.

I found an English shop and spent 50 euros on muffins, marmite, penguin biscuits, tunnocks teacakes and some naan breads and popadoms. It was my Christmas present.

We absolutely did and I don't know why you think I would make this up??

Someone said she might be homesick for home food, she is not asian, so I was just saying, I didn't think it was for this reason she wanted it.

Thank you - that is really nice to hear. I mean we did go out of our way for our first who was with us 6 months (birthday/christmas pressies/flights home etc) but I feel there is liberties this time (only 3 weeks in!) being taken and I definitely need to be more firm/explicit in what I expect and will provide.

I have checked in again and still not well. I will wait til tomorrow I think and have a discussion then. As others have said - its too early for holiday pay to have been earned, and a few other home truths about cleaning need to be specified (I don't expect dishes washed the second they're used but within a few hours is reasonable to me). She is very good with the kiddo - but there's a few things I need to say on that front too (more outside time/walks etc) but that was my plan anyway after the holiday.

Sounds very fair and she doesn’t sound a good fit at all.

outline now the expectations “doesn’t feel right isn’t sick” but perhaps she’s depressed/homesick.

Buy shampoo and conditioner for under £5 every 4 ish weeks. I’ve very long thick hair and Tresseme big bottles are great. She’s taking the absolute puss here.

dishes. Again absolute no. Perhaps her last job had a housekeeper or her parents are always tidying up after her.

who knows! My bosses once had an au pair, who was so disgustingly dirty they had a mouse infestation and she used to keep dirty dishes in her bedroom drawers and stuff her sanitary towels down the side of the guest room sofa. Grim.

How do posters get off on saying such things?!

“It is clear that is not true” - I mean, wtf?!

Having read all the updates - YABU simply for breaking the law first and foremost.

A lot of the posters won't know this, being UK based, but it is ILLEGAL in Ireland to only pay "pocket money" to an au-pair. They must be paid minimum wage, you can deduct a very small sum from their hourly wage for bed & board, I think it's a maximum of €50 a week or thereabouts. They also aren't legally allowed do 12 hour shifts with no breaks. The laws changed a few years ago to protect au-pairs who were being badly exploited here.

€120 a week in Ireland right now does not go very far. I think most posters were thinking it was £120 in the UK, but it definitely doesn't stretch as far as that.

For example, if your au-pair is so sick that she needs antibiotics, she's going to need a trip to the GP (€60 approx) and then pay for meds (€15 approx) - oh and if she needs to get a taxi to the doctor because you're so busy? Well that's the majority of her wages gone.

I mean which is it OP - on the one hand you think €120 is reasonable for a week and on the other are shocked that some asian groceries and nice toiletries cost you €90 - how is she supposed to buy anything on what you're paying her?

I have read your posts but not everyone else’s so apologies if I’m duplicating. But what stands out to me is that you are in week 3 and you’ve only given her a few hours of work to do. She’s probably feeling disillusioned, disappointed, a bit useless. She’s applied for a job and you’re not using her. Give her more work to do, set some regular hours for cleaning and childcare. Give her a purpose! The more useful she feels the more useful she will be.
As for allowances and such, you can’t offer to buy extra food and products then get annoyed when she asks for something. Again, set out the expectations! E.g. she can eat any of the regular food order and you’re happy to get extras up to the value of X amount and anything more comes from her allowance.

Thank god we are not that way, oh god.

Look, I understand people will be used to different things, I am pretty go with the flow, but it seems there are a few things I don't feel should have to be said (the dishes for example!), the shampoo etc was on me. I will be saying as much. I know some of it is my fault for not communicating well, but others are definitely not in my book.

I have certainly been more than fair with if she wanted specific times to herself (IE she plays an MMORPG on a Friday evening and I ensure we don't clash by blocking it out for her) - asking to join us for things - giving space too.

But I do think I've gotten some good talking points here and will make sure expectations are aligned. I am fine if she wants her own space, its just not what we are used to due to the last girl. So I know there is an adjustment there.

@Purplepublic835 you said up thread you asked what she would make and she said ramen. As I said to you at the time most of the ingredients will be things that can be used again and again.
In the same way, if I bought ingredients for one recipe in a book if I had nothing in the house at all, would be used again and again. Spices, stock cubes, fish sauce, oil, etc. That is why I said the ingredients are not for just one meal. Even the fresh ingredients will be mainly used to make sauces that can be used again and again.

But why did you pay for everything if you were unhappy with the price? This is what I do not understand. Why not just say that is too much money you have to choose a few things or choose cheaper options. Same with the toiletries. Why not just say choose cheaper options.

You say this - however, the work in the first 2 weeks came to a total of 28 hour days and 15 hour day. According to the wages calculator for Irish au pairs, that should be looking at about 25 hours per week of work for 120 plus board. I have only just asked that much over the first 2 weeks at all. During the course of working here, we have the agreement that there is a standard payment (similar to a salary) so that the au pair is given the same amount weekly regardless of work. When we had our first au pair she never went over 30 hours on the 'heavy weeks' and when checked on average - she would work 2-3 days - some weeks were literally 1-2 hours. And she still got paid the same. This was so the au pair had the same money no matter what they work and aren't worrying about being without money.

No one has asked about a doctor, but when the last AP needed one, we paid for it and the medication (tonsillitis), no questions asked. We thought this was the norm?

As I also said, I never made it, and don't know what goes in it. She told me that's what the ingredients were for. So I did not know other wise.

We went to the asian grocery store specifically as she wanted herbal teas which were not available in the local super market. I won't be doing it twice.

I wax an au pair. I wasn’t paid very much, but had a few perks and was treated very well by three out of four families (ended up having to do a runner early one morning with the au pair agency’s backing from the bad family, but that’s a long story!). I’d never have asked for different food or biscuits, let alone hair products etc. That came out of my money. I’m sure the family wouldn’t have minded me using the kid’s shampoo or body wash if I had been having a skint week!

Equally they’d have looked after me if I was ill (I can’t remember being), but I think they’d have come up to
the bedroom to check on me, not left me lying in. We had a few bumps in the road with all of them, but were all nice enough to talk things out.
I think you need to have a nice, but firm chat. Expectations need to be clearer. Tell her you’ll buy a good, mid range, supermarket sold shampoo, body wash and conditioner a month, but anything more expensive is her choice/cost. In future say that holidays are to be built up - ie, after three months she’ll have earned a week, or however it works out. Tell her at the moment it doesn’t really feel like it’s working and you all have to work together if it’s going to continue. Be nice, but be firm.

She sounds like your typical entitled gen zedder slob. I’d look for a replacement immediately.

I think there are a few issues on both sides. Demanding a lot of expensive extras and leaving dirty pots is not acceptable. But a 6.45 am start is very early and two weeks holiday is really stingy. Also the different hours every week makes her unable to get into a routine. But you dont seem happy so I'd tell her its not working out and find somebody else.

50 euros is equivalent to £39 for the trip to the Asian supermarket. As that was about buying all ingredients to cook from scratch including items that will be used again and herbal teas, it is not an outrageous amount.

You are also acting illegally. She is entitled to 4 weeks paid holiday per year, not 2 weeks.
blog.suresitter.com/au-pair-rights-in-ireland

No she is not morally in the clear at all. She is acting illegally.

OP how many hours has your au pair worked so far?

Hi, I think you just lucked out with your first au pair - over the years I've just found a lot of them have no interest, and are difficult.. then the odd time you get a good one. It's very hit and miss.... I had one who was very tricky and sorry but it didnt improve in spite of lots of 'chats'. In the end I paid her a month, and we agreed she should go - she wanted to live with her boyfriend anyway. I did get a couple of calls from anxious mums afterwards, looking for references, and I did tell the truth - I think she would have been more suited to a different kind of job really.

OP, I think it is quite safe to assume from antelopevalley's needlessly aggressive and badgering posts that she has an axe to grind which goes beyond your personal situation. Best to ignore and not waste any time or headspace to reply.

I haven't done the maths but I THINK the OP made a formatting error. The post read "work in the first 2 weeks came to a total of 28 hour days and 15 hour day"

But due to the bolding I think she initially typed "work in the first 2 weeks came to a total of 2 x 8 hour days and 1 x 5 hour day" (but with asterisks)

i.e. 21 hours over 2 weeks not 43 hours over 2 weeks