Au pair expectations - am I crazy?

[Purplepublic835]

Host family need help!

Hello! I am a host mother that needs some help.

We had a first au pair and loved her, unfortunately she got a new job in her home country and wanted to take it (of course we were happy she did!). We are now on our second au pair and are having a totally different experience.

Let me just explain what we offer as a host family:

- standard weekly pocket money. We work shifts (me and my SO) which means things vary. The au pair may work 0 hours per week or a couple of days incl over night (no over nights so far), depending on if my SO is home.

- phone bill paid

- cinema trips paid for with eldest child (this is not babysitting/minding, this is company for the oldest and not mandatory) tickets and snacks

- food and board (any groceries needed just need to be asked for).

- light house work (clean after yourself and the kiddo when working)

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This worked super well with our first au pair. She fitted in with us so well, wanted to be part of the family. Was so sad to see her go. However, we are on week 3 of work (max 2.5 days work last week and 1 the week before) and I got a text message at 6.30am, due to start at 6.45am that they were feeling unwell and were 'going back to bed until they feel right' and nothing else, its now almost 10am and no word. I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened. I am not an ogre and am currently trying to work and juggle a toddler. Considering they have a trip for 2 weeks from Thursday booked (dates told to us last week as before that was vague) I find this all very hard to stomach.

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My questions are:

- What can I do to make this more of a fitting placement, I am not sure how to communicate any further what is expected as speaking with other host families, I have had shocked faces with my expectations and told it was a great offer. Do I have unreasonable expectations here?

- what are standard sick procedures for informing host families when you can't work?

- what is acceptable when 'room and board' is provided? I have no problem providing extra food, and was told there were no dietary requirements/dislikes, but was asked for an extra 50 euro worth of unusual and hard to find groceries on her first day (asian style and to make only one dish) - and another 40 euro in shampoo and hair care - is this normal?

- in regards to holiday pay, it is 2 weeks pay per 12 months. Considering I will be paying the pocket money over the next two weeks, do I just not pay any further monies for other holidays I know she will want?

- regularly finding dishes in the sink instead of dishwasher, pots and pans left and I had to clean the next day. I was very angry. Was I right to be?

So the food thing. I have lived in countries where frozen oven chips are hard to get and expensive. But a British au pair may have asked her host family for oven chips thinking this is a perfectly standard and cheap foodstuff.

Luckily I am not in Britain and there isn't a shortage outside of it. I am not getting rid of her just yet. I am just trying to get everyone on the same page and give her a fair chance.

Well, you were the one who introduced yourself as a host mother, I assumed that role included a few caring elements. My bad.

Surely toiletries come out of her £120 a week money? Certainly did when I was an au pair. Or she could use the family shampoo and condition/soap etc.

Got it. We aren't posh or super well off by any means. We know the occasional over night isn't pleasant but will happen (who wants to work over night??) but again, it was clearly laid out and agreed to before coming here and none have been done yet.

And yes, nursery won't work because of the over night and besides some of my late shifts are 10.30-19.00. Nursery will be shut by then! That's why we went the au pair route.

I agree her text is fine - she’s sick. I certainly wouldn’t want to be knocked up if I am fast asleep unwell.

We all like different things, so all have different toiletries. That's why I didn't think too much. I think I will offer a small bit extra per month say 15-20 and she can top that up as she likes to buy what she likes.

Ramen from scratch. So that is the main components that can be used again and again such as tare and dashi. I am surprised it still costs so much. An asian supermarket would have been your best bet but maybe you don't have one so are paying way over the odds. I would have expected all the ingredients to be about £15 with most being used again and again so would not have thought twice about asking for these food items myself. Sounds like you are not in the UK, but in the UK Chinese supermarkets are not unusual so these items are fairly easy to get and much much cheaper. But a bottle of tare should last for ages. So it is unfair to say this is just for one dish.
I would not want frozen or ready-made ramen either, it is not nice.

The toiletries one sounds like she asked for what she was used to using. They are probably cheaper in her home country. You just give her a link to a supermarket and ask her to choose cheaper shampoos and shower gel and say anything else she has to buy. Set a price limit.

Have clear communication with her.

We went to an asian super market, I have never made ramen I will admit (I have eaten it) and was picking up all sorts of mushrooms, seaweed, etc and all fresh. When I asked what they were for I was told ramen (which hasn't been made 2 weeks later so I don't know).

I don't mind the extra few bits in the shopping but I am not spending 50 quid on things like this that aren't for the family say.

And personally I agree you should have knocked and asked her how she was and if she wanted a cup of tea. Au pairs are supposed to be treated like a member of the family. Would you have left a visiting cousin alone and not knocked?
I don't accept you have been too busy. You found time to post and comment on Mumsnet.

I don't think she's great, but I think you're being very unreasonable.

You offered to do things and are now upset that she didn't understand the unwritten rules: that the offer was not fully meant, or that it had limits, or what might be expensive in your country (that presumably might not in hers).

How is she to know, for instance, that you only meant small items or long-life items? How is she to know that fresh ramen is off limits? She didn't ask for something that's a luxury everywhere--this wasn't an ask for champagne and caviar. It's just that you didn't really mean what you said. You were assuming she would understand your norms.

This is part of having an au pair: realizing that there are cross-cultural norms at play, and instead of assuming that she understands the norms (as a young person in a foreign country), rather than having unspoken rules and then being angry at her for not intuiting them.

I agree that the dishes was poor form.

But I also think it's odd that you are angry at her for texting about being ill when you texted her first about the dishes. You set up that mode of communication for uncomfortable conversations, and then you're frustrated that she took you up on it.

If you don't want to seriously engage with the kind of cross-cultural understanding that an au pair requires, then you should hire a nanny or put your toddler in nursery. But if you want the convenience and relative low expense of an au pair, you're going to have to adjust your expectations.

Expecting overnight care is very U.

How is she supposed to know her "special" Asian food (which is totally normal food to her) is hard to find and expensive? U

You have time to post many replies on MN but not to see how she is. U

"Laying down the law" before you've calmly mentioned something. U

You can't expect her to be a mindreader just because you pay her £120 a week. Try communicating calmly before "rage cleaning" or ranting on MN.

That is my thought and understanding. I did knock at 11am, and was asked for painkillers which I gave. Nothing else asked for. I told her to text me if she needs anything else. I suppose when my own family is sick we text when we need/want something so I figure it's the norm.

Clearly not.

Where are you OP (underdtand if you do not want to say)

But in Spain or France or Italy, that is an extremely generous package and absolutely nobody would leave dishes is the sink. Or be told not to.

I am looking at this from a Spanish point of view, some, I think, a London point of view.

No idea about U.S.A but, my opinon firmly stands, YANBU and have a bad au pair.

I am so glad you know exactly what my job entails. Thank you so much for telling me how unreasonable I am because I can answer a few messages like DM's while working but can't leave a 2yo or my job.

Overnight care is 1-2 nights a month and also was explicitly laid out as one of her 'days' work that week.

I am in Ireland.

@Purplepublic835 that does not sound like it was just for one dish of ramen. Probably for many multiple dishes.
But you made it sound like she is expecting an extra 50 euros spent every week on her foods. Instead, you have gone once a few weeks ago to an Asian supermarket and bought stuff for her.
Just set a budget and communicate clearly how much extra you are willing to allocate for any special foods each month. If you cant afford any extra, then say this as well. Or if you can only afford extras from your usual supermarket, then say this clearly as well.

I think it is unfair to be critical of her buying fresh ingredients when you admit you have zero idea of how they taste. That would be like going abroad and someone criticising you because you wanted fresh strawberries rather than frozen strawberries when they taste very different and nowhere as good.

I am so glad you know exactly what my job entails. Thank you so much for telling me how unreasonable I am because I can answer a few messages like DM's while working but can't leave a 2yo or my job.

If you can spend all this time on MN, you can pick up your toddler and go and knock on a door in your house.

Overnight care is 1-2 nights a month and also was explicitly laid out as one of her 'days' work that week.

And? It's not reasonable for an au pair.

On her days off she does not surface until 12-2pm. That is her business and I am fine with it. When I discovered the dishes at 6am I did mention it via text when I left the house at 10am and hadn't seen her.

I am understanding things might be vague but I am trying to make things better. I am not looking for excuses to fire them, so don't get the wrong idea.

According to the website used to find her and our agreement - it is.

sorry, have BEEN an au pair !

My key board on the blink.

Totally agree with this. I have had au pairs for 10+ years.

The bad ones don't get better, if anything they get worse. You will have a pretty good idea within 3 weeks. Then start performance managing and hopefully you can get them out within 3 months. Next.

The aupairs I got when the dcs were little were on the whole better than those when the dcs were older. I suspect the former took it because they actually loved little ones but the latter took the aupair role thinking it would be an easy job to look after older children. It is actually harder and less rewarding with older children because the unconditional love is not there and has to be earned.

Sorry to not have had time to read the thread but just wanted to sympathise.

Ireland? Then no. This is ridiculous.

According to the website used to find her and our agreement - it is.

According to reputable au pair standards, it isn't.