Au pair expectations - am I crazy?

[Purplepublic835]

Host family need help!

Hello! I am a host mother that needs some help.

We had a first au pair and loved her, unfortunately she got a new job in her home country and wanted to take it (of course we were happy she did!). We are now on our second au pair and are having a totally different experience.

Let me just explain what we offer as a host family:

- standard weekly pocket money. We work shifts (me and my SO) which means things vary. The au pair may work 0 hours per week or a couple of days incl over night (no over nights so far), depending on if my SO is home.

- phone bill paid

- cinema trips paid for with eldest child (this is not babysitting/minding, this is company for the oldest and not mandatory) tickets and snacks

- food and board (any groceries needed just need to be asked for).

- light house work (clean after yourself and the kiddo when working)

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This worked super well with our first au pair. She fitted in with us so well, wanted to be part of the family. Was so sad to see her go. However, we are on week 3 of work (max 2.5 days work last week and 1 the week before) and I got a text message at 6.30am, due to start at 6.45am that they were feeling unwell and were 'going back to bed until they feel right' and nothing else, its now almost 10am and no word. I get people get sick, but I feel that not even trying to discuss in person was very wrong and should have happened. I am not an ogre and am currently trying to work and juggle a toddler. Considering they have a trip for 2 weeks from Thursday booked (dates told to us last week as before that was vague) I find this all very hard to stomach.

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My questions are:

- What can I do to make this more of a fitting placement, I am not sure how to communicate any further what is expected as speaking with other host families, I have had shocked faces with my expectations and told it was a great offer. Do I have unreasonable expectations here?

- what are standard sick procedures for informing host families when you can't work?

- what is acceptable when 'room and board' is provided? I have no problem providing extra food, and was told there were no dietary requirements/dislikes, but was asked for an extra 50 euro worth of unusual and hard to find groceries on her first day (asian style and to make only one dish) - and another 40 euro in shampoo and hair care - is this normal?

- in regards to holiday pay, it is 2 weeks pay per 12 months. Considering I will be paying the pocket money over the next two weeks, do I just not pay any further monies for other holidays I know she will want?

- regularly finding dishes in the sink instead of dishwasher, pots and pans left and I had to clean the next day. I was very angry. Was I right to be?

Ireland and its people are THE most welcoming I have ever experienced and I have lived and worked all over the world.

I really cannot believe the OP is not welcoming and kind. She sounds totally reasonable

It is bewildering for a young woman to navigate living with an unfamiliar family in a strange country with responsibilities for children all at once. To reduce the uncertainty and help communicate expectations, I have a set of house rules which I go through with them on the first day.

PS au pair threads rarely go well. It is mostly 'how very dare you exploit a young woman' and not pay top dollar for childcare otherwise do your own parenting. I expect you would have had much mud slung at you already. Keep your skin thick.

Thank you. We are doing our best. Invited everywhere, and when we cook food etc. we aren’t excluding the girl.

I am not for a minute suggesting you are not being kind. But what you are lacking is very clear communication.

So she’s worked 2.5 days in 2 and half weeks, has had board and lodgings and been given 330 Euros either in cash or products she requested plus cinema tickets and presumably expects another 120 Euros at the end of this week… when in fact she won’t even be there as she’s off on an impromptu 2 week jolly the day after tomorrow. In this time she’s been uncommunicative and couldn’t be bothered to wash some pots. Now she’s off sick.

It is not normal to be able to just swan off on holiday with such a short amount of notice. In normal employment, this would be a sackable offence, not to mention the inconvenience to you. If it were and oversight and she’d forgotten to tell you about a prebooked holiday, was apologetic and conscientious, it would be understandable. However this doesn’t seem to be the case and you also say she’s not some young teen making mistakes. This is supposed to be a seasoned au pair.

Did someone say you’re in Ireland? You have to pay minimum wage of 10.50 Euros / hour. So you’re not going to get much for your 120 Euros. But it sounds as if you know this. As you have to pay minimum wage, I’d expect working conditions and sack her. This really is a non starter.

Strange, I've never heard of a family not actually paying their au pair, I had one as a child and know of many family and friends who have/had one. The individual gets accommodation and food provided, aswell as access to the car and paid for time spent caring for the children.

And sorry what I said about a shortage of au pairs does not apply to Ireland. It is an issue in the UK.

Just a little thing on the dishwasher, does she know how it works? How to load it?

I know it sounds so simple but I was a lodger a few years ago and automatically put away dishes in the dishwasher, apparently I was the first lodger to do that.

Some people do stack dishes in the sink and then rinse and load the dishwasher when there is enough to switch it on.

Others have given much better advice about other things.

I would not see cinema tickets and snacks to accompany an older child to the cinema as a perk. It is still work as presumably she is responsible for the child if there were any issues.

Didn't think au pairs were expected to do sole care or overnights. 2 weeks holiday feels very little.

It sounds like you have awful communication. Why are you texting her rather than having conversations with her? Isn't she living in your house?

Why is she making her own meals, doesn't she eat with you as a family?

I would have a sit down and talk about what you expect again, and ground rules for groceries toiletries etc. I thought Au pairs were meant to live as part of the family, not as hired help.

She gets this! Why do you think she does not?

@marblemad paying them is absolutely standard and good practice. It's spending money rather than a wage though.

For me au pairs had a 50% success rate we had one who was absolutely phenomenal, I’m still in touch with her, 2 that were very average and one that was an absolute disaster bless our heart she was like having an additional teenager for me to look after.

I would just chalk it up to experience she’s clearly lazy the dishes are just absolutely unacceptable.

have the it’s not you it’s me conversation and send her home.

I also agree with the comment that you texted her about a difficult issue i.e. leaving dishes in the sink, but are angry when she texts about difficult issues i.e. being ill. If you want her to speak to you in person you need to make this clear and do the same yourself.

I think there are issues with your au pair but it is impossible to tell if this is about your poor communication, or if there really are issues with her.

These threads rarely go well OP. You will be exploiting the AP no matter what

I have had many au pairs over the years. I never paid for toiletries, but would add things into my shopping if they added things to the list (same as my children) and food also. I used to say I wouldn't buy chocolate, (as I didn't buy it for anyone) but would buy things for them to cook. I catered for some strange tastes over the years! I wouldn't buy them, e.g. steak if they wanted that though as I simply couldn't afford it. I think you are reasonable about the food.

Not all au pairs will be like your first one. Some like to be sociable, others just want to be in their rooms all the time. That's fine. Some like to sleep alot! You won't click so much with all of them. That's fine too. I'm in touch with several of my au pairs even now (I had my first one when my 4th child was born in 2005 and am still in touch with her - she has children of her own now!) and it's lovely when you end up like that.

I had a rule of thumb about tidying, that if I expected my children to do something, my au pairs could too - this would include putting dishes in the dishwasher, or emptying it if it was full. Cleaning up after themselves.

As far as the sickness goes- I think you have to see how this goes. If she makes a habit of it, then you will have to take steps.

I think you are wrong in saying that the cinema trips are not part of the job. The AP will see them as part of the job. It's her free time, and she is still on duty.

oh I used to ask my au pairs as far as possible to take holiday when I went away - they would get 6 weeks a year then. But sometimes they took time off to travel to Europe, or their boyfriends or family visited and that was fine too if I had some notice. I never expected them to be around for Christmas or NYE.

I agree. I imagine she's picking up on your 'very angry' and avoiding you.
Sounds like you were lucky with the last one but hist families need to be very specific with tasks and expectations.

You need to treat her like an older daughter, be kind and explain what you need to make the household run. Make sure she's ok if she's sick, don't text her! Your nit too busy to pop your head round the door and find out what's going on.

I've known lots of au pairs over the years and tbh when there's issues it's usually the families with unrealistic expectations and poor communication that is the problem.

There’s nothing wrong with your expectations and you just need to make them clearer. Have a sit down chat. Explain the ways in which it’s not working. Put in writing if needs be.

if it’s still not working out after another couple of weeks, you may need to end this placement and look for someone else.

Dirty dishes definitely not on - they’re meant to be a help not make work.

You don’t need to buy any hair care type stuff! Food items in addition to sharing normal meals should be small things, not extravagant and hard to find.

“I’m gojng back to bed until I feel right” smacks of not actually being ill, just not fancying the early start to me. I know you can’t tell at this stage but o also think it should have been face to face as you’re in the same house. Or at least a call, although a bit weird in the same house!

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing how do you know she is not ill? She may not be but you have zero idea. I find the way English people describe illness as very over the top. I know if my mum had said she does not feel quite right then she is probably really ill. For some English people, this same phrase could mean a mild headache.

If you have someone from abroad in your home you need to stop assuming they understand English unwritten rules or that they use the same language to describe things. I have learned this to my cause with English GPs that I really need to use what I think is an exaggerated language for them to understand what is happening.

So the obvious thing is you communicate. What do you mean not feeling quite right?

I say this not to be negative towards you OP. But if you continue with poor communication you may find you have problems with the next au pair too.
I think many English people are very poor at basic communication in a cross-cultural context.

With a live-in aupair, definitely do face-to-face, particularly if you suspect a sickie or duvet-day.

If a staff member throws too many sickies, I will insist that they phone in sick not just text or send an email. With an aupair, you have the option of face-to-face. Much harder to lie that way. They have to answer questions about how they feel and ask what they need to feel better. Check in to see they are getting better. I would even make them see a GP if they weren't. Harder to keep their story straight if it is a lie and easier for you to get a measure of the situation sooner.

Au pairs can be tricky. When DM had them with us for a few years she outlined everything properly and spelled out exactly what they could/could not do, expenses etc. My DM didn't spend much money on herself let alone us so it was pocket money for them for extras. They were generally quite good but one French teen refused to speak English, or very little, and was a bit moody generally. She was fine with us, as long as we spoke French with her! She also didn't use them for childcare unless it was expressly stated that it was babysitting, agreed and either paid extra etc. The au pairs went to a local language school during the day. My DB was chronically asthmatic and sometimes off school and needed supervision but DM paid for her step-mother to come and mind him.

Her own DM had French au pairs in the 50s/60s who accordingly to her DM didn't do anything or not much, but improved my DM's French a lot and they both took her on holiday, separately for the summer to where they lived in South of France.

OP - your au pair may not know about sickies, so she could be telling the truth - I recall in my second job aged 18/19 I was told by a colleague I was friendly with, if you'd like to take a sickie, just do it and lie - I wouldn't have dreamed of doing it otherwise and did occasionally make up a migraine from then on! I didn't even know what sickies were beforehand until I was told, and was very honest!