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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fuming at this guy in the supermarket

502 replies

Speckledhen2022 · 13/06/2022 18:42

I was in the supermarket this evening and I went to pick up a bottle of fabric conditioner. It was from a good brand and very cheap on offer. A big bottle for a cheap price. It was also the last one of that particular fragrance on the shelf. As I reached out to take it from the shelf, I had almost got it when a guy came by the side of me and grabbed it. He then went over to a girl who I presume was his girlfriend and gave it to her. Presumably, she has asked him to get it for her. I was absolutely fuming. I picked my jaw up off the floor said 'You fucking cunt' and walked off.

AIBU for saying that?

OP posts:
MissStarry · 15/06/2022 15:55

Supermarket guy was not out to specifically be rude to you though?

He was thinking of himself. Massive difference!

If you are assuming that there’s this ongoing underlying victimhood around you, where you EXPECT certain behaviour, you will see and misinterpret acts as being centred around you to reinforce your existing beliefs.

It sounds like you live in a small(ish?) community and being haunted by the school bullies who you still have to see as still live in the same area.

That you’ve addressed the areas that were the “excuses” for the bullying at the time (weight/glasses etc) so now don’t understand why the tables haven’t reversed and instead are thinking all men have a natural aversion to you, when probably it’s just because you’re seeing the group of arseholes who are your historic bullies?

Seeing as you’re so young, you have a LOT of men you’re yet to meet, and if you carry a bitter, aggressive expectation of “men” as a homogeneous bullying group then this will massively impact your future relationships and cause possible roadblocks on your happiness and the other things you want (kids etc) so I believe the phrase is “cut off your own nose to spite your face”

It sounds like you’ve had a hard time, don’t make things even harder for yourself by becoming an abrasive and bitter person- life is too short.

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 16:07

MissStarry · 15/06/2022 15:55

Supermarket guy was not out to specifically be rude to you though?

He was thinking of himself. Massive difference!

If you are assuming that there’s this ongoing underlying victimhood around you, where you EXPECT certain behaviour, you will see and misinterpret acts as being centred around you to reinforce your existing beliefs.

It sounds like you live in a small(ish?) community and being haunted by the school bullies who you still have to see as still live in the same area.

That you’ve addressed the areas that were the “excuses” for the bullying at the time (weight/glasses etc) so now don’t understand why the tables haven’t reversed and instead are thinking all men have a natural aversion to you, when probably it’s just because you’re seeing the group of arseholes who are your historic bullies?

Seeing as you’re so young, you have a LOT of men you’re yet to meet, and if you carry a bitter, aggressive expectation of “men” as a homogeneous bullying group then this will massively impact your future relationships and cause possible roadblocks on your happiness and the other things you want (kids etc) so I believe the phrase is “cut off your own nose to spite your face”

It sounds like you’ve had a hard time, don’t make things even harder for yourself by becoming an abrasive and bitter person- life is too short.

I have moved far away from my hometown and I never see any of the guys who bullied me anymore, but you are right I do carry the bitterness with me. I thought if I lost weight, got rid of my junk food addiction, glass, bad hair, bad skin, and unfashionable clothes, men would show an interest in me, but they never did. It hurts a lot.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 15/06/2022 16:13

Well they never will show an interest if you call them disgusting names, will they?

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 16:27

Blossomtoes · 15/06/2022 16:13

Well they never will show an interest if you call them disgusting names, will they?

They never showed an interested and were always vile to me when I didn't call them names.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/06/2022 16:30

But you never stopped carrying that bitterness. It'll show.

HELLITHURT · 15/06/2022 16:33

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 16:27

They never showed an interested and were always vile to me when I didn't call them names.

Oh get over yourself, I don't think I have ever seen such ridiculous self pity in my life.

If it makes you happier calling men fucking cunts, they you do it. they don't care and neither do their girlfriends, they just go about living their lives in fresh smelling fabric conditioned clothes.

beastlyslumber · 15/06/2022 16:38

I think you've got to have more to bring to a relationship than just looks. You need to have something to contribute - decent men want someone who has decent values, maybe is also funny, kind, open to experience, interesting, compassionate, or has some other good qualities. Lots of men are looking for someone to settle down and have kids with, so they will think about what kind of a partner/mum you'll be down the line. They definitely want someone nice - most of us want someone who'll be nice to us. Are you ticking any of these boxes right now? Or doing anything to demonstrate any of those desirable qualities?

You come across on here as angry, aggressive, rude, bitter, negative, a victim, bitter and jealous - sorry to be so blunt. I get that you are pushing back and resisting suggestions that your situation is your responsibility in any way, and that is probably making you seem more aggressive than you actually are. But if you come across this same way in real life (which I think you probably do to some extent, at times, as evidenced by your attack on supermarket man) then men are going to be looking at you and seeing nothing but red flags. The only men who are going to approach you will be angry, bitter men who will take pleasure in knocking you down a peg or two.

You can have a lovely partner and make a home, family and life with him. But you have to want it enough to be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your behaviour. You don't have to make yourself vulnerable or weak. Like attracts like. If you work on yourself and your boundaries, you'll find the men around you become much nicer, too.

Jakeyachey · 15/06/2022 16:42

Op people can’t be vile to you unless you let them, as such you need to learn to judge character, behaviour, to read the signals, to be able to see red flags, to know when to walk away, to be able to walk away, to show that you aren’t the type to take shit, that you have standards and for people to instinctively know it’s once and out.

Getting with someone just becayse you’re desperate for a boyfriend even when he’s telling you all about his ex, is never going to work well for you. Going with any random who shows an interest just because they are a bloke isn’t going to go any better.

the pp is right, this is a pity party. If you want things to change only you can change them. Calling men fucking cunts in the supermarket as they got the fabric conditioner first, being jealous of their girlfriends, of women in general, for no reason other than they have a boyfriend, and you don’t, is never going to sort your problems.

ultimately the problem is you. Plenty of overweight women who wear glasses and have poor fashion sense are in loving fulfilling relationships. Because of who they are, their confidence, their self esteem, their personalities.

having a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend, and it’s irrelevant who he is, will never ever work and you will find yourself on the receiving end of some shite behaviour.

Chaoslatte · 15/06/2022 16:53

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 16:27

They never showed an interested and were always vile to me when I didn't call them names.

How do you behave towards them?

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 17:37

Chaoslatte · 15/06/2022 16:53

How do you behave towards them?

I behave normally towards them when they are not being nasty/rude to me or mocking me. When I have tried to be nice to men in the past, they have usually rejected me.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 15/06/2022 17:45

I behave normally towards them when they are not being nasty/rude to me or mocking me. When I have tried to be nice to men in the past, they have usually rejected me.

OP, if you were a man, this would scream incel behaviour.

You don’t seem like you are willing to try counselling or talking therapies, but it may help you.

The first stage of moving forward with this and your mindset is acceptance. You need to accept that it is your mindset and behaviours that is causing you to feel this way.

Some men can be absolute pricks. Especially in their early 20s and even 30s. Dating is hard to navigate. But you cannot blame how men in the past have treated you in the past for your behaviours.

You need to get out of this victim mindset. Otherwise, you are always going to feel this way. Negative, angry, jealous, bitter. It isn’t healthy to feel this way all the time.

You are young! You have so much life ahead of you. Please don’t let past relationships and men stop you from living life.

Self-refer for some talking therapies around self esteem. Stop negatively thinking of yourself as being “fat” “uncool”. Stop blaming everybody else. Stop calling strangers “fucking cunts”.

Jakeyachey · 15/06/2022 18:03

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 17:37

I behave normally towards them when they are not being nasty/rude to me or mocking me. When I have tried to be nice to men in the past, they have usually rejected me.

What does that mean? That you think a man should be romantically interested in you if you’re nice to them?

you write it like being nice is an effort you need to make and one you only do to get something?

Jakeyachey · 15/06/2022 18:07

Op I just reread your op. Did you actually call the woman a fucking cunt? Not him? In your op you clearly blame her.

ReneBumsWombats · 15/06/2022 18:16

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 17:37

I behave normally towards them when they are not being nasty/rude to me or mocking me. When I have tried to be nice to men in the past, they have usually rejected me.

Are you nice to them even if you're not romantically interested?

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 18:20

Jakeyachey · 15/06/2022 18:07

Op I just reread your op. Did you actually call the woman a fucking cunt? Not him? In your op you clearly blame her.

No, I said it to him not his girlfriend

OP posts:
Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 18:26

ReneBumsWombats · 15/06/2022 18:16

Are you nice to them even if you're not romantically interested?

Yes.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/06/2022 18:30

I behave normally towards them when they are not being nasty/rude to me or mocking me. When I have tried to be nice to men in the past, they have usually rejected me.

You didn't behave normally towards supermarket man. He wasn't nasty or rude or mocking.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 15/06/2022 18:33

NotSur · 13/06/2022 20:28

Someone did this to me once and actually had physically pushed me to grab the last one (it was a birthday cake and the only one my dc specifically had asked for).

I didn’t say anything instead I decided I would leave the trolley with dh and I (probably looking ridiculously suspicious) sneaked round following her till she left her trolley and I took the cake and went immediately to pay for it 🤣🤣

That's great! 😆

This supermarket was by no means a budget supermarket. It was one of the most expensive ones to shop at.

@Speckledhen2022 please tell me it was Waitrose as that would make it even funnier 😁It could then be added to "Overheard at Waitrose" 😉

ilovesooty · 15/06/2022 18:34

All my life

You're only in your early 20s. Plenty of time to start living and treating people differently.

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 18:59

Jakeyachey · 15/06/2022 18:03

What does that mean? That you think a man should be romantically interested in you if you’re nice to them?

you write it like being nice is an effort you need to make and one you only do to get something?

No, I don't think a man should be romantically interested just because I am nice to them. I just don't understand why a man has never treated me well even though I am not a bad person. I don't think people should only be nice to get something in return. I think people should be nice to each other in general.

OP posts:
Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 19:02

CandidaAlbicans2 · 15/06/2022 18:33

That's great! 😆

This supermarket was by no means a budget supermarket. It was one of the most expensive ones to shop at.

@Speckledhen2022 please tell me it was Waitrose as that would make it even funnier 😁It could then be added to "Overheard at Waitrose" 😉

No, it wasn't Waitrose

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 15/06/2022 19:07

I think people should be nice to each other in general.

Except when you're calling them fucking cunts...

TalkToTheHand123 · 15/06/2022 19:08

Wow this got a bit serious. Men are usually nicer the more they are punching above their weight. There are some nice guys out there, so don't give up hope.

SmartCarDriver · 15/06/2022 19:11

No, I don't think a man should be romantically interested just because I am nice to them. I just don't understand why a man has never treated me well even though I am not a bad person. I don't think people should only be nice to get something in return. I think people should be nice to each other in general.

This isn't normal, you need to look at yourself. You've shown a lot of things on this thread which could be the reason, anger, victim, desperate for a relationship, desperate for a child, unable to take any advice when given and just miserable.

You really need to change your entire mindset. Not say "but they won't be nice to me".

Speckledhen2022 · 15/06/2022 19:23

TalkToTheHand123 · 15/06/2022 19:08

Wow this got a bit serious. Men are usually nicer the more they are punching above their weight. There are some nice guys out there, so don't give up hope.

thanks. I hope there are

OP posts: