Can you dictate what people call your child? Or is that unreasonable?

[cocorum]

MIL keeps calling DD first and middle name, every time. Both long names. Sounds ridiculous. There's no hyphen. It's two names. In fact, she has three.

Can I ask her to stop ? Or is that mean ? I hate it. Child is a small baby.

Neutrally ask whether she’s aware the name on the birth certificate can be altered in the first year?

She sounds awful. All the "it's harmless" posters clearly haven't absorbed the backstory, she's making a power play out of your baby's name.

How old is dc1, any chance of them correcting her?

Couple of suggestions:

First, hard to carry off. Great Auntie Jane comes over with MIL to meet the baby and calls her Millicent Margaret. DH says with a big grin "her full name is Millicent Margaret Amanda but her first name is Millicent. Mum wanted her to be called Margaret so she's insisting on Millicent Margaret but it's just her weird power play".

Second: get thank you cards out ASAP. I know, you have a tiny baby and have a million other things to do. But get photo cards and on the cover have Millicent in big letters. Inside "Thank you for your kind wishes on the birth of our daughter, Millicent Jones". Neither Margaret nor Amanda should appear anywhere. That will at least get the message out.

If a discussion needs to happen (and it sounds like it might), have DH do it, in a calm and cheerful way, and make it clear he knows what she's doing. Have an audience so it can't be twisted.

By this reasoning, everyone could have a different name for your baby.

You're the parents. It's your job, it's your privilege. Start acting like the adults you are.

This
You're both tiptoeing around her, and not recognising that now you have the power and the control.

Time to change that. You don't need to apologise for wanting your baby to be called the correct name. you decide the correct name. If she doesn't like it... that's OK. If she wants to fall out and not come round, that's OK too.

Telling other people the wrong name is so arrogant.
She's bullying you because she thinks you won't stand up to her. Time to turn the tables and start being an adult in the relationship with her, not a subordinate.

I had something similar when one of my children were born. In laws started calling him a version of his name I wasn’t so keen on. I nipped it in the bud by sending out birth announcement cards with my preferred name on to everyone I could think of and it worked! Everyone else knew his actual name!

I get where you're coming from OP in relation to your MIL's "tactics". I cannot stand people who do something knowingly and willingly to piss you off/get their own way and when you challenge it, YOU are then made out to be the unreasonable one. This is passive-aggressive manipulation at its finest and I don't blame you for being angry about it. Someone in my family could give a master class in this kind of shit and I have nothing to do with them anymore.

I'm getting from your posts that your MIL is aware that you didn't like the name and that making it a middle name was a compromise on your part. If this is the case, then if it were me I'd do something like this:

Next time she uses the name, remind your MIL in a friendly, calm, light way that your DD goes by her first name only and that the other name was never intended to be double-barrelled with it, so to provide consistency for your DD as she is growing up and to avoid confusion - to stick to the first name. If your DD decides later in life she wants to use the other name that's her call - but at this point and for the foreseeable - it is the first name only. Your MIL might have a tantrum- let her. You maintain calm, keep it friendly, no anger - but don't pander/engage with any tantrums or whatever. Just make the point then move on - change the subject, leave the room, go make a cuppa, go for a walk, leave - whatever to just remove any oxygen or audience from any tantrum.

Assuming she ignores this and does it again, you then get firmer. You've tried the nice approach - now you have somewhere to go with it. You sit MIL down and have a conversation. Again, keep it calm, firm but no anger - just light tone but matter of fact - this is how it is - not up for negotiation type of tone.

You say something like "MIL, you keep referring to DD as xxx-xxx (double name)... when we have repeatedly pointed out that her name is not double-barrelled and we have asked that you just stick to her first name. You know that we don't actually like the name xxxxx, but we appreciated that it meant a lot to you and so out of respect to you we gave DD the name as a middle name. That was not, however, an invitation for you to use it to create your own double-barrelled version of her name. Her given name is xxxx (first name) - and we want her to be referred to as that. We compromised by including xxxxx (name you don't like) as a middle name however, if you cannot also compromise and meet us half way, then we will have xxxx name removed from DD's birth certificate and it will no longer be part of her name at all. We only included it out of respect for you, but if you cannot afford us the same respect then it seems pointless to keep a name we don't even like when it's just going to be used as some sort of game. Please, respect our decision and our wishes regarding DD's name. Her given name is XXXX (first name) - it's a lovely name that we chose for OUR beautiful daughter - and that is how she is to be known".

Again - don't linger over it... don't pander to any tantrums... end the conversation calmly and nicely (eg. "okay - now that's sorted... I'm making a cuppa - want one?") - but make it clear it's not up for debate/argument.

If she continues to do it after that - then follow through. Change the name. No discussion - no second chances - change it. Then inform MIL that xxxx name is no longer DD's middle name so she can stick to her first name as you previously asked. She can't say it's unfair - you have given her more than fair warning and opportunity to respect your wishes.

If all hell breaks loose then I'd be looking at frequency of visits for a while... but don't pander to tantrums and manipulation. I can't be doing with that nonsense - it's tiresome.

I understand you probably want to avoid a drama/massive tantrum etc... but from what you're saying, there's going to be a blow up of some kind - someone is going to snap eventually. Better you deal with it calmly and firmly - if she wants to throw a fit then let her crack on but don't give it oxygen or an audience. Leave her to it until she decides what is important to her - a stupid name or a good relationship with your DD.

If other people have started using this version of your DD's name, this would annoy me as it can no longer be explained away as one relatives affectionate nickname. It's clearly causing confusion, and will be confusing for DD growing up

I think the wording suggested here is great. To the point, but avoids causing offence. FWIW I would be asking DP to have this conversation, since it's his mum.

I also like the suggestions of sending thank you cards from your DD using the correct version of her name. Very clear.

But your intentions are irrelevant.
You named the xyz and now don't like that xy are being used! Sounds crackers to me.

What will you do if a nickname is used that wasn't your intention.
Your dh wanted the name as a first name, you refused. He's had to fall in line with your opinion on this. And now you're trying to make him do the same when his mother is using the name xy that you gave!

Time to get over it and stop creating issues where there are none. Wait till baby is constantly referred to as a different gender by strangers or nursery give a nickname or anyone.

You're making this into something. You can't dictate what others call your child so be grateful it's her name they're using!

You can't dictate what others call your child so be grateful it's her name they're using!

You actually can. That's exactly what parents do. Name a baby. And say she'll be known as...

If someone gets it wrong, they should expect to be corrected. If they persist deliberately, they may not be welcomed in future!

My in laws frequently (probably not always) call my DS by his first and middle names and also by the initials of his first and middle name, both annoy me but not enough to bother correcting them.
They do it a bit less now though because unless they call him by his first name, like everyone else does, he doesn't respond to them.

@ChoiceMummy ok so you expect people to use a middle name every time ? That's normal to you ? That would be normal if there was a hyphen, there is not.

Regarding my husband, it actually annoys him too. He mentioned it to me first. He wants baby to be known by first name, not first and middle.

As for any nicknames, yes if we hate them because they're disrespectful, we might ask people not to. When baby is old enough, she can call herself or not call herself whatever she likes !

It comes down to the fact of whether you like and respect the parents wishes. I used to call my niece a short version of her name and her mum told me she didn't like it. I like her mum, so I stopped. It's not that hard !

You can't dictate with Grandparents no. You can state a preference to people and see if they follow your lead but you will lose control of thus once the kids are at school pretty much.

That's fine by me, once they're older.

You can't give your kids names, and then get angry at people using those names. No matter what her intentions are. You named the kid.

No problem. I'll change it then. Unless she respects our wishes.

It's really not that common for people to insist on using two long names every time they refer to someone though. You wouldn't expect people to use big names in that way, unless there was a hyphen.

So, my mistake for not foreseeing this. But to me it's still strange.

I'm leaning towards a fat YABU.
MIL is happy the baby honours her relative. Why do you begrudge her delight in that?
Why did you use a middle name you loathe hearing?
The names are "so long" & most people won't want to say a mouthful every time, the habit won't persist if it's a mouthful every time. "Persephone Hadassah" ?
MIL can't have been doing this long if baby is "tiny tiny"

The main times in baby's life you'll hear your baby's name is from yourself, baby's dad, health professionals, nursery. You can determine what version they use. Later it will be school mates & teachers you hear using her name (at this point your DD chooses what version).

This "name regret" is why there's a system to change a birth certificate name until a child is 1. I know you said it would a declaration of war to say that you are considering dropping it as a middle name, or to even do it - but the alternative is this bugging you for years. I would hate my baby's name to annoy me. Just tell MIL you are changing it.

You may wish to discard family for such spurious reasons as using the names you have the child, but most sane people realise that it's their wish not law for their child to be called their intended name!

It's not that unusual either. Indeed it's also not that long ago that for many traditional families that they'd use the middle names more than the first! Imagine that...

How people use names, what the pronounce, how they abbreviate, can be used as a form of subtle (or not so subtle) discrimination. A male example would be someone named Richard.

The hyphen is irrelevant. That's to show it's all a first name and the second isn't to be omitted.

My child has a middle name as do their cousins, and some have their middle names used with their first names. It's not unusual.

Not having a hyphen doesn't mean that you stop being child xyz and cannot be referred to as xy.

Yabvu.

And liable to create great rifts with your abject unreasonable opinion that you won't be swayed on.... So why post on aibu?

I was v precious about my DS’s name when he was born. He has a given name which can be shortened a couple of ways - we used one version and named him the full version as he could then decide when older (thinking maybe pre-teen) what to use. People called him what version they fancied!
The irony is as a pre-schooler he said he wanted to be called the other shortened version that I wasn’t keen on people using! Now that is the name we have used for 15 years and it seems weird using the original one.

I disagree that you can't dictate!
You named the child it's your baby and the names were intended as a first and 2 middle names.

I'd correct everyone every single time, just as people who have children called Beatrice or Annabelle do when there's is shortened to Bea or Belle.

You child- your choice! Grandparents are not the parents and you can dictate to them too.
The same as when they care for your children they do so with your rules not there's or they don't have them. Ie no naps to sweets before dinner etc.

I would correct them every single time so it they said Annabelle Beatrice I would say Annabelle. I'd also send out births announcements/ Thank you cards with just the child's first and last name on them if they still did it.

I'd switch the name around so it honours the living relative but the second middle name is first.

Then they would have to say 3 names constantly.
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Slightly baffled by the posters saying you've chosen this name so it's your fault.. I thought it was common practice to only use the first name when addressing someone?

I have a middle name, as do most of my family and friends, but we're only referred to by our first names.