Can you dictate what people call your child? Or is that unreasonable?

[cocorum]

MIL keeps calling DD first and middle name, every time. Both long names. Sounds ridiculous. There's no hyphen. It's two names. In fact, she has three.

Can I ask her to stop ? Or is that mean ? I hate it. Child is a small baby.

No it's not a deceased family member of hers. Family member is alive and well....

It's a name that DH and family would have wanted as a first name. I don't want to go into exact details. But I was always against naming my baby after a close, alive relative. So I agreed to put it as a middle name.

As I said, she doesn't do it with my first child's name. Ever.

Lots of older people do this. My name is Sarah Louise, and my one uncle, AND a couple of my grandparents used to call me Sarah-Lou, or Sarah Louise all the time. Never bothered me, or my parents either.

I couldn't get upset about it tbh. Why does it bother you @cocorum How is it affecting your life? Or your daughter's life?

If it was shortened and sounded naff (eg, if my daughter was called Victoria, and someone called her 'Vick,') then that would grate. I like the name Victoria actually, but aren't keen on Vicky, and that is what she would be called when she was older. You really do need to think very carefully when naming children!

On Coronation Street right now, Eileen Grimshaw has a new love interest, and he calls her 'Eyelash.' WTAF? That's just shite.

But yeah, my child being called firstname-middlename by older relatives wouldn't bother me at all.

disclaimer... my name is not really Sarah Louise. That's just an example...

I'm holding my tongue. But it really really irritates me. I'm trying not to say anything. Trying very very hard.

@PurpleButterflyWings because that's not the name we chose as a first name. That wasn't our thinking.

I'd leave it. I can imagine it's pretty grating however, look at it from your child's point of view - it's a special link between her and grandma. Or, imagine if you were a grandma and you wanted to call your grandchild a special name. It's just a sweet thing.
I understand this will he hard (id feel the same as you) but I'm certain there's no malice in her doing it.

Also everyone knows we didn't chose the name as a first name because I didn't want to do it. So using it anyway is just a slap in the face.

If you want to put your foot down and insist you're within your right to do so and mil should respect it, though I do think it's a bit trivial and you may come across as a bit precious. Mil might wonder why you gave DD the name if you dislike hearing it.

I should have mentioned that DH family wanted me to use that name as first name. But I was always against it. And now she uses it anyway. It's not a first name !

But she’s still also saying the first name and in the right order? If so, all she’s doing is calling baby their name. If you hated the middle name you shouldn’t have given it to baby.

@LateAF baby has three names lol. And it was a compromise! I never in a million years though they would use both ( as they're so long and it sounds ridiculous ). I'm just going to have to grit my teeth. I don't see a nice way to get this across.

I've a name such as Mary Jane. My first name is Mary, middle name Jane and there is a member of my family who insists on calling me mary-jane and it gets on my last nerve 🙄🙄 so I can understand why it annoys you as well.

I’d just leave it. I mean in the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal. When she goes to nursery she’ll be called what you introduce her as. When she goes to primary school she’ll be called what you write on the form. When she goes to secondary she’ll be called whatever she tells people to call her. By the time she’s four she’ll probably be saying ‘nanny I’m not Amelia Jennifer, I’m just Amelia!’ Or she’ll enjoy it as granny’s special name for her.

You seem to feel you're in some psychological power struggle with your MIL, and her use of the name represents some 'win' over you and you want to claim the power back by banning her from using it.

The best way to get out of psychological power struggle dynamics is to just not care, and not play the game.

Detach from the game and she's just left playing it on her own.

Then she's sad and twisted. Using a name to promote her ego.
And you're cool detached and focusing on other stuff.

Seriously you can choose whether to get caught up in this game or not.

This!

@LadyOfTheCanyon it's not the first name !

You could try correcting it every single time - but there might be a negative reactions.

So GM : Jenny Wren needs a hat
You: Jenny has a hat. Jenny likes the hat she has.

Other people would then stand a change of getting correct name - but it may not work and if it did would take ages and it would have to be every time and you could look petty - and as others say DD may end up liking both names from GM.

Would annoy me too! I can’t see an issue with saying, please don’t double barrel her name with one of her middle names.I would recommend the message comes from your DH.

My Mum dislikes the shortened names we use everyday for our kids and much prefers the longer version on their birth certificates. She couldn’t resist telling me this but she wouldn’t dream of doing anything else but call them by the names we use.

It might just be your MIL has no idea it is like nails scraping down a blackboard for you. If your DH gives her the message that you both prefer her to just use her given first name then persisting in what she’s currently doing is a boundary issue IMO, especially when the child is a teeny baby. Boundary issues with people who don’t automatically respect them never get better without you enforcing them yourself, I’ve found.

I feel the same goes when the child is old enough to have a preference. My DH only likes to called by a shortening of his name but his parents and their wider family insist on calling him the longer version despite him telling them of his preference. It’s rude and is one of many ways his parents demonstrate that they view him as their “possession” rather than a separate entity in his own right.

Fair enough - most people aren’t called by their middle name (except when they are in trouble).

I imagine once your child is old enough they will tell nana to stop calling them by their full name with the brutal honesty that only a young child can get away with. My mum used to sometimes call my eldest son by his brother’s name on accident and he would always correct her. After a few times of this, when he was 4 years old, he asked her if the reason she kept forgetting his name was X was because she’s really really old. She doesn’t mix them up quite so much anymore 😂

Why give your child a middle name if it annoys you when someone includes it when talking to/about them?

She knows I didn't want to use the name as a first name, like she would have wanted.

but for better or worse you've given your child a name you're ok with. If it's that soul suckingly awful you should have vetoed it at the time.
I agree, pick your battles. It won't last forever and it will wear off over time and if it doesn't well then it's a nice bond between them.

It's a middle name and it was a compromise as DH wanted it as a first name. Although it now annoys him as well that his mother uses it that way. As it was never intended to be used like that.

If your child is a very small baby, I suspect there's a novelty factor here for your MIL and she'll probably get tired of it very soon, especially as your daughter gets older and will make it quite clear herself if she doesn't like it. I don't think other people will pick up on it - and if they do, you can say 'Oh, that isn't actually her name - MIL calls her that for some reason but her name's XXXXX' and it's job done.

I think it really depends on your relationship with your MIL. If you can make it jokey, like my family would have done, then you can say something, but I wouldn't be arsey about it and I wouldn't push it. It's not worth the fuss and ultimately, you can only ask her. You can't 'dictate' to her or force her.

You will definitely have to get used to other people calling your child different things as they get older, especially when she starts school - other kids might shorten her name in a way you don't like, and she might shorten it herself, or lengthen it, or prefer a nickname. It's not really something you can control. My family tends to use nicknames for each other a lot in an affectionate way (only if the actual person is OK with it, of course) and we call my teenage nephew by a nickname his dad (my brother) uses for him. Apparently my ex-SIL hates it. But nobody else calls him that - and he wouldn't anyone else to - and he's said many times that he likes it when we do it and he always signs cards etc to us by that name rather than his actual name. It doesn't erase his real name in any way, which is what literally everyone else calls him.

@LadyOfTheCanyon I think knowing the relationship with my MIL, she will go nuts if we say anything.

I will just have to swallow it down and continue using the name I actually intended. I think if we try to tell her not to do it, she'll go nuts.

Yeah I'm aware that the names may change. It's just this one bugs me, as I know that the in laws wanted it as a first name and they know I didn't. I compromised by using it as a middle name and now it gets used anyway as a first name.

But yeah it will kick off if anything is mentioned !