Can you dictate what people call your child? Or is that unreasonable?

[cocorum]

MIL keeps calling DD first and middle name, every time. Both long names. Sounds ridiculous. There's no hyphen. It's two names. In fact, she has three.

Can I ask her to stop ? Or is that mean ? I hate it. Child is a small baby.

I genuinely think if someone you liked and respected and you had no power struggle with, asked you nicely that they would prefer for you to call their child XYZ, you would just immediately say : oh of course ! No problem! But in our case, that's not the relationship.

That's why you don't 'ask nicely'. You TELL her politely but firmly, with just a tiny undercurrent of anger that lets her know that you're in charge and she could lose out if she crosses the line.

You're both tiptoeing around her, and not recognising that now you have the power and the control.

Also, if your dh has other family members like siblings etc, get them on side. If he or you make it clear to them what the baby is called, and that your MIL is deliberately undermining you burn, when they hear her do it they will also pull her up.

I think I'm a good grandma. I respect my dd and her dh as parents and we all get on well. But I know exactly where the power lies. I adore my DGD and want to be able to see her as often as I can. So I'd be stupid to do anything that would annoy them or make them want to visit/have me visit less. Your MIL knows that too, or will do when she recognises that undercurrent of anger that you both need to show.

Burn? I don't know what that's doing there. Bedtime, if I'm putting random words in without noticing!

Oh no the other members of the family usually take MILs side. Even when she's being completely unreasonable. So no chance that they'll agree. They're her defence team. ' oh mum didn't mean it like the way you heard it. ' I seem to misunderstand a lot of stuff, according to them.

This would just be another way I look horrible.

You sound like a great grandma ! But it makes me sad that's how you feel.

Does she dislike the first name? Not that it matters but that could explain it.

I’d tell her that if she doesn’t stop, you’ll be removing the name from the birth certificate. Her choice. She stops or it’s gone. Silly cow.

If they were calling you're child brat face then yeah, if mil calling your child their name and second name it wouldn't bother me as that's what you named them.

You need to try to stop bring irritated by it. You don't own your child, you are there to guide and nurture them.. Other people will have relationships with them and fond nicknames and pet names and traditions and other things that bond them. You should be cherishing and developing those relationships as they are vitally
important to your child's life and development. You need to let her develop her own relationship with your child, stop trying to micromanage it.

This would annoy the shit out of me

If she persists after you've asked her not to, I'd be tempted to call HER by her first and middle names together every time she does it.

Let her experience the irritation of it.
🤷‍♀️😁

My MIL didn't like the short form of the name we chose. Along the lines of, we chose Alastair but called him Ali all the time. She declared she would never call him Ali as she didn't like it so would need to come up with her own shortening to call him. We said just call him Alastair then, she said no, she needed her own short name that she liked to call him and settled on something like Lis, i.e using letters from the name but giving a quite different nickname to the name he was used to.

It really irritated me but i felt wasn't worth a conversation that would inevitably turn into a huge deal about how dreadful we were. One day when we were visiting and DS was about 18 montha her friend popped in and casually asked me how Lis was doing. I wasn't trying to be a cow, but I sort of paused for a second not immediately processing who the friend was asking after (I normally only hear MIL say that name), then I said "Ohhh you mean Ali?". Friend fumbled something along the lines of "Oh, Ali, sorry, I thought it was Lis". And that was it, MIL never used that name again. Nothing was ever said about it either! I cam only assume that she felt like a right idiot when her friend could see the name she used wasn't actually her grandchild's name.

Anyway, that was a long waffly story to basically say maybe you could do something similar when anyone else picks up the name "I wasn't sure who you meant for a second there. We never use the middle name so I forget it's there and always think MIL is talking about relative x when I hear her say it out the long way Ike that.".

But at the end of the day, i would say this is not the hill to die on. There will be other hills I suspect which will matter to you a whole lot more. Save your anger for something more worthy when you really want to put your foot down!

I don't think you can. Your child is their own person and has their own relationsip with those around them which is separate to yours.

Provided they are happy with the name/nickname (and as a baby that's clearly still tbc) then I don't think you have a right to complain.

My youngest goes to school with a boy who prefers to be called my a shortened version of his name, his own older siblings and dad call him it. His mum however is a nightmare and has been over dramatic about this since they were in Infants, they are now 11 and about to go to Secondary.?

His mum will correct anyone literally anyone who calls him by the shortened version. Example, calling him Ste, she will correct even her own husband and children and shout Steven at everyone. She is just ridiculous, her poor son keeps telling her he prefers his shortened name but his mum ain't having it.

The child is a baby right now.. we named the child and I think we can try and correct someone who's going against what we intended. When the child is old enough, she can call herself or have people call her whatever she likes. It's nothing to do with the fact that we don't see her as her own person. She's a baby right now..

Yeah no, I've thought about it and what my child is called is pretty important to me. We spent A LOT of time deciding on the name and this needs to stop.

This was not what we wanted and what we want is ultimately more important than what grandma wants. Once my child is old enough, she can decide what she wants. Before that, what we say, goes. Even for grandma.

Well this is a hill I would die on and I would be clear. But then my DH would totally back me up. I laid down the law when pregnant and just after giving birth about DDs name. I can't stand a certain nickname for it and made it very clear what her name was and the only acceptable shortening. DD has since the age of about 6 insisted on her full name and only dad is allowed to use the shortened version. So I don't actually have to do anything about it now at all.

You sound quite enmeshed with your in-laws and wider family. As in they will kick off and get support from others. The only way you can see this through is to ignore it all. People like your mil get their way because other people pander to them to stop them kicking off. The only way to win is to kick off worse than mil. I appreciate that's probably not your normal way of being but sometimes needs must.

Yeah no, I've thought about it and what my child is called is pretty important to me. We spent A LOT of time deciding on the name and this needs to stop.

This was not what we wanted and what we want is ultimately more important than what grandma wants. Once my child is old enough, she can decide what she wants. Before that, what we say, goes. Even for grandma.

Fair enough. Then I guess it's finding a way of putting your foot down that you're comfortable with.

Maybe wait until the next time she says it and then jump in with "actually MiL I'd been meaning to speak to you about calling x with their middle name. We were delighted to honor relative with a middle name, but never intended for it to be part of their day to day name. That's relative's name and we find it a bit odd to keep hearing our little baby referred to by it. Obviously if baby wants to go by it when they're older then that's a different matter, but for now we would really appreciate everyone sticking to just X."

Polite and non-offensive as an opener.

My MIL sometimes shortens DD's name to a nickname I don't really like (and stupidly didn't realise could be a nickname for her name until too late!) I don't say anything about it - if DD grows up not to like it then she or we can tell gran that, and if she does like it - well, it's her name, she can use whatever nickname she wants. It's not important in the grand scheme of things IMO.

I'd go crazy.

When naming DS before he was born mil would always put down our name choice suggestions- suggesting names herself that were 'good enough'!

I would get backing from DH and him/ both of you speak with mil alone and say how you dislike the 2 names so much you plan to take second name off the birth certificate and use 'flower' instead. (Suggest a name you would use or have no intention of using). The idea is you show you have another choice.
Tell her if she uses old name, people will question it, as DD will when older.

Explain it wasn't chosen as a first name as you aren't keen and it doesn't suit baby so the only option is to legally remove it plus you always liked 'flower'.

I feel for you so much, using a name you don't like to be respectful to family wishes that's just massively backfired.

Is mil overpowering in other ways too? Like 'I'm here I'll have baby/ baby wants me?'

Sounds like she needs putting in her place by being reminded she's not mummy to this baby!

Pick your battles, it appears as though it comes from a good place. I don’t imagine your MIL friends will use both names but if they do, correct them.
The novelty will probably wear off, but if it doesn’t it’s hardly the worst thing as ultimately you gave the names, surely you like them.

I was going to say this but up the ante with surname and maiden name.

”Cup of tea, Joyce Dorothea Barlow nee Walker?”

Then change the name. Say you've realised it flows better as (using previous example) Millicent Amanda Margaret. Change the BC, and ignore any push back. It's yours and your husband's baby, therefore your choice. MiL is just going to have to deal with it.

@cocorum when everyone else uses it- correct them. They are probably trying to be polite as they think that's what you intended DC to be called.
I'd correct my MIL every single time too. We had the opposite in my family, people shortening a name. Child's mother kept correcting everyone including grandparents and as the child grew up they hated being called the shortened version as well. So they would correct too.

X

Tell her you've changed your baby's name because the middle name sounded silly when people said it out aloud and now your child will be known only by her first name, just like Kylie and Madonna.

I'd stop caring about her making a big deal of being told to not use the name and just tell her. If she kicks off she looks like a prat and that's her fault. Pussyfooting around the issue is actively approving of her 'I get my way or I blow up' behaviour. Getting a person's name right is basic respect.