Can you dictate what people call your child? Or is that unreasonable?

[cocorum]

MIL keeps calling DD first and middle name, every time. Both long names. Sounds ridiculous. There's no hyphen. It's two names. In fact, she has three.

Can I ask her to stop ? Or is that mean ? I hate it. Child is a small baby.

You literally gave the child those names and now are saying don’t use them? Only one is allowed?

So she knows you didn't want it but is persisting in using it. A kind of challenge to you. Disrespectful.

She'd go 'nuts' if you say something?

Then I'd say something. Soon. I'd probably start with asking why she's doing it and if she knows that baby is called correct name. Then ask her to stop because that's not the name you and dh have called her.
What you've named her is all that matters. You don't have to justify or explain further.

If your DH is also annoyed by it (despite the middle name being his preferred choice) any correction really needs to come from him. If you say anything to her it will just be seen as you rejecting the family name.

Is it like Millicent Margaret Amanda? And MIL is saying Millicent Margaret every time? I would remind her about the Amanda she's leaving off and pondering aloud what "Amanda" has done to deserve that 😈

I think the issues that would cheese me off most is that you compromised on the baby's name in the first place and that she doesn't do this with your eldest (presumably eldest also has a more than one name)...

Honestly I think if you mention it she’ll double down and use it more as she knows it annoys you. Just ignore her and focus on your lovely new baby, hopefully she’ll stop it soon.

I had something similar with my first daughter and mother in law. I freaked out when mil's relative used first and middle name too so I brought it up there and then by pretending to politely clarify in case there had been a misunderstanding. It nipped it in the bud. Don't waste your time on overthinking/feeling guilty/trying to change your mindset on issues that make you uncomfortable. Do things your way and as time goes on you end up relaxing into things anyway ☺️

Why would you do that?
That’s literally picking a fight.
MIL used to call dd1 first name middle name all the time.
Middle name is her deceased dms name; it’s obvious why she was doing it and understandable. No one else followed her lead, she rarely does it now 💁🏻‍♀️

Same. Not my Nan but a friend of mum's mum. She's the only person I can recall EVER saying my middle name out loud except for the vicar and my husband at our wedding!

I think YABU OP, presumably you like both names as you chose them?

My actual man called my brother a completely different name for about 5 years because she didn't like my mum and dad's choice - that was unreasonable!

How else will she get to use the name? There was no point in conceding and using a name you didn't want if you weren't going to let them use it.

At least they are using her first name. We have a relative who calls our little one only by her middle name and my daughter loves it! It's given them there own special bond.

Names are important. Change it if you don't like them all

Don't let it go, I would say "oh we call her FIRST NAME, saying FRST NAME MIDDLE NAME would sound like we are telling her off!"

just let her crack on. Your child will probably decide how he/ she prefers to be called as they get older. Many people are called different things by different people - Liz by work colleagues, Lizzy by friends, Elizabeth by family etc

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Someone can’t annoy or offend you unless you play your part by getting annoyed/offended.

It’s taken me years of therapy to grasp this and I know it sounds a bit trite thrown out on a forum like this. But it’s a very powerful lesson to master.

Next time it happens, instead of automatically reacting with irritation (or whatever that emotion is), put that to one side for a moment, and instead consider why she is doing it. To annoy you? But why? Look a little deeper. It might take a while to see what’s going on , but you might be surprised.

I did this with my own mil and over the last few years our relationship has changed; I stopped allowing her to control my emotions. It’s similar to how you wouldn’t be devastated by a three year old declaring that they hate you during a tantrum - you see them for the distressed child they are rather than making it about yourself.

I actually think this is really really disrespectful to you. So this would be the hill I'd die on.

I'd tell her that if she can't respect that your dad is called X and use just X, rather than X-Y I'd re-register her removing Y (obviously assuming your dh would be on board). And I'd bloody do it too

I think it's one of those cases where you could drive yourself up the walls and start to believe that this is an evil attempt to insult you/remove your parental authority or whatever, but on balance, it's more likely that she thinks it's cute and that it's cute for the baby.

Most people don't go around plotting to upset anyone. It's probably not a campaign or a thought out slap in the face, it's probably just a doting granny.

I don't know. My friend told me not to use a diminutive for her kid and I thought she was being precious bit I didn't care enough to carry on. I guess it's who it means most to?

Tiny baby...let it go. I don't think you can ever really control it which is why I have always given my children names that I was comfortable with the shortened version of.

This is really good advice.
It's not trite, it's deeply true, and incredibly hard to do, but the secret to happiness.

If happiness is what we want. Often we say we want to be happy but our actions say we want to win. Be in control. Be right.
It's all ego.

This is all about your ego and your MILs ego.

My MIL used to do this. It really irritated me. Would introduce my child to people using her first and middle name, so often people thought she had double barrel name and so then they also called her by it. She wrote it in birthday and Christmas cards. When she started pre-school she bought her a personalised back pack with her first and middle name on. It was weird and when the pre-school people started calling her by her first and middle name too, we decided to get her a different bag and my husband had a word with his mum about it. She eventually stopped.

It’s very common in my family to use first and middle names in two situations, most often when you have done something really naughty, but also when they are very proud or being particularly loving. This is true for my whole huge extended family and I believe was the same for friends at school’s. I think you know her best but in my family it would be love.

It isn't a battle I would pick personally.

You said your baby is still tiny? I'm sure the novelty of her name will soon wear off. I'd just ignore it and continue to use the name you call her.

Eldest has three names too.. never uses any of them.

MIL was annoyed that we used the third name for the second child actually.. she asked us not to...

I'm just going to have to let it go. It will only create issues if I say anything. But yeah it annoys my DH too. He initially wanted the middle name as first name, as with family tradition. But that we didn't do it, he gets annoyed because he feels she's making this all about herself. But we both know there will be hell to pay if we say something

and yes it is like Millicent Margaret Amanda... and Amanda always gets left out

I doubt “everyone” wants to call your baby by two long names. Granny is just creating another way of fondness. I wouldn’t mind tbh.

Were you opposed to giving her that middle name and caved in the hope that it would never be used?

@HikingforScenery the middle name was the wanted first name by in laws. But I insisted I didn't want to use that as a first name, so compromised by using it as a second name. No one has middle names in our families, except my eldest. MIL never calls eldest by middle names at all. Just this second child, as that's the name that was wanted for the first name.