To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

Your friend is barking. No one owns rainbows.

Personally hate the terms "rainbow baby" and "rainbow bridge" when someone/something passes.
Rainbows are a beautiful, natural phenomenon, they should be able to be used freely by anyone without this huge association they now seem to have with death.
If your friend can't see a rainbow emoji without associating it with baby loss, that is entirely on her, and i do feel for what she's been through, but she's being unreasonable. Especially if shes insinuating everyone is going to assume you lost a baby prior to DD and getting offended/upset, because you havent lost a baby and she has. Many, many more people recognise rainbows as a "pride" sexuality/gender acceptance symbol than they do miscarriage.
You like rainbows, and it is literally the meaning of your daughters name, you have every right to use that emoji, paint rainbows in her room etc, without your friend dictating how you can and cannot use it.
Simply explain to her gently that to you, and many others, rainbows don't signify baby loss, and you associate them with your daughter for your own reasons, and as such, want to continue to use the emojis you like. If she continued to make a big deal about it, then she is being very unreasonable.

Rainbows are common themes for kids rooms at the moment, I'm sure your friend isnt wanting you to redecorate. Kids love it because its colourful.

However stopping adding a rainbow to all your IG posts about your daughter is a small thing to do that has no negative impact on you but might help your friend feel better to I'd personally do this

I think you should just explain. She only sees rainbow emojis in the context of a baby after loss. Say sorry because you are sorry to have upset her not sorry in the context of doing anything wrong.

“I’m so sorry to have upset you. I always use a rainbow as iris’s name means rainbow in Greek and we love rainbows and have decorated her room with rainbows. It never occurred to me that the rainbow emoji also refers to a baby after a loss. The blue heart is because of her blue eyes that I love. Hope you’re ok”

personally I’d then stop using the rainbows where she might see them, not because your friend owns rainbows but because I wouldn’t want to upset a friend unnecessarily and like you say, it’s easy to stop that.

Ah, I see.

I still find that a bit weird. A baby has no choice when or after what even its born and they don't realize the significance of it.

I would also read this as basically “why do you constantly use rainbows for your daughter who isn’t a rainbow baby? I’d prefer it if you stop.”

so no I don’t think your being over sensitive or dramatic to think so.
keep the reply simple and explain that Iris means rainbow in Greek and as you both love the flower and rainbows, that is why you use them a lot for her.
don’t go any further or to be honest I wouldn’t apologise for being insensitive. You weren’t, your friend was upset by the rainbow because of her grief and emotional state but you didn’t do anything wrong or cause that.

I don't think there is anything wrong with decorating her room in rainbows but maybe cut out the rainbow emjoii.
I am sorry I think you are not thinking clearly - if society now sees the term rainbow baby as a child that comes after a miscarriage than by labelling your child as a rainbow baby you are giving out that message. Nothing to do with the room though - just the emoji. Your friend might feel upset...your other friends might think you are strange but have not told you. You know now.

As an aside, if you are doing a rainbow themed party, be VERY clear if googling at work that it is for a child. Me and my colleagues saw things that we really shouldn't have in that environment!

Oh just seen your update about the room- she has obviously been stewing on the rainbow thing for a while. Perhaps add, we love her room and I’m sure lots of babies have rainbow themes, I understand what they mean to you but they don’t mean that to everyone.

I'm another one who just sees rainbows as rainbows 🌈 I especially hate when people say about dogs crossing over the Rainbow Bridge. I think it cheapens how hard the grief can be but perhaps it comforts them?! Ydnbu. Enjoy your baby and celebrate her however you feel fit. You're being expected to be respectful to her grief yet she's not being respectful to your happiness.
Live and let live, if people attach a symbol to their grief, they shouldn't be surprised to see it outside of that context and definitely shouldn't dictate to someone how/when it can be used.

Your friend is bonkers. No one owns rainbows! It's a bloody reflection for god sake! Does your friend complain about the use of it for gay pride, the club Rainbows or for the NHS? Or when it's been raining and one appears? The term 'rainbow baby' is a relatively new thing, in reality it means absolutely nothing and she's wrong to make you feel bad for using it.

Do not stop using the emoji if you like it! There is NO reason you have to!

Don't redecorate the room. You don't have to just to appease your friend. Her issues around her fertility are just that, her issues.
Keep the room as it is and just explain your daughters name means Rainbow. As others have pointed out, the 🌈 can stand for many things. No one should be gate keeping its usage.

No one group owns the image of a rainbow.
Use the emojis, use the image in her room. It’s absolute madness that people think you can’t. Same for the blue heart.

Stopping emojis is thoughful to friend, don't redecorate her room though.

"Iris means rainbow in greek which is why i have been using the emoji. Sorry that has upset you, will absolutely stop using rainbow emojis now."

Mine is technically a rainbow baby although I have never labelled her as such or used the emoji. Use it how you like I say, during covid the rainbow was used a lot for the nhs etc so its used for all different things.

I have multiple 'rainbow babies'. I've just bought rainbow decorations for my youngest daughter's room, who isn't one. I couldn't be offended that you've decorated in rainbows, or use rainbow emojis, but I do think it's a little sad for you to need to post this sort of thing online.

I wouldn't redecorate the room but I can see how the emoji use would be confusing. If I see someone use it on a post about their child, I generally assume it means that they've had a miscarriage prior.

One of my colleagues has an Instagram account for her little girl and always dresses her in rainbows, it's her thing. I know she's not a rainbow baby but it doesn't offend me even though I'm currently pregnant with my rainbow. I find the term a bit twee though, so I wouldn't use it in real life. Your friend is obviously hurting and placing a lot of symbolism on rainbows, so in this situation, I'd just apologise for hurting her feelings and move on.

Bloody hell I know your friend is sad she hasn't got what she wants at the moment, but that text is just wrong. What next "I see from your photo Iris has a t-shirt with a rainbow on it. Please don't dress her in that again as it upsets me"? As someone who went through multiple LTM's and a still birth before my DD was born I would never tell someone else what they should, or shouldn't do, wrt their own children. But then I absolutely despise the term "rainbow baby" and I'm so glad it wasn't around when DD was born, or indeed when I was, as I would have hated being referred to as that (my elder sister was a SiD).

Rainbows also mean Christian hope, gay pride and thank you nhs…none of these own rainbows. Neither does baby loss. Get on with your own life and decoration, don’t worry about your friend, she’s being precious and a bit weird, probably understandably.

Can't edit my post, wanted to add. I get she's lost a child, I have to. And it's immensely sad. However, that was my issue to get though, no one else's. You aren't describing your child as a rainbow baby, so you aren't doing anything wrong. If she gets sensitive about the use of rainbows for anything other than rainbow babies, she's going to be upset by many things.
Just explain it to her and if pressed, say you won't change her bedroom. No friend could get upset with you for that. It's your child, you decorate how you like.

Do whatever you want. For your friend, a rainbow has one meaning, for you it has an entirely different one. That's fine.

What a rainbow really "means" is that sunlight is being refracted through raindrops 🤷‍♀️ No group of people suddenly own it.

FWIW I've had two children after a miscarriage and I hate the term rainbow baby. It's very parent-centric. And I also hate the current culture that says my opinion is somehow worth more now I've said that I've had a miscarriage!

I think usually I'd avoid it, but tell her iris means rainbow and it's not exclusive to miscarriage. And keep doing what you're doing.

YANBU to use rainbows. They're universal for everyone.

YABU to post stuff like that on Instagram. No offense intended but no one really cares what other people's bedrooms look like. It comes across as bragging... over nothing...

I always thought the rainbow emoji next to a child's name meant first baby after a loss? But it's just an emoji and up to you how you use it.

It's fine to use rainbows. It's a symbol used by lots of causes and organisations. It's biblically a symbol of peace and hope. One 'cause' doesn't own a rainbow.