To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

I think the emoji thing is just a bit weird. I doubt anyone cares about rainbow decorations. We have a lot of bright and rainbow stuff for DC, loads of kids stuff is rainbow themed. But the emoji every time you post about her is just a bit twee outside of anything else.

Hate keeping things has gotten out of hand.

Rainbows don’t belong to your friend, she can’t dictate what people do with them.

Also, it’s pride month. Rainbows are everywhere. Has she gone into isolation?

Keep using rainbows however you wish. Rainbows have been around LONG before the term ‘rainbow baby’ has.

I just don't want to have to take down every post I've already put up just to remove every time I've used it before or redecorate the nursery at this point.

Again no one has suggested at any point you should - you're being weirdly overdramatic about this!

Gate-keeping.

Not hate-keeping.

I don't like the whole 'rainbow baby' thing either. I lost twins at 19 weeks and my daughter is a surviving twin, we lost her brother at 4 days old.

It amazes me how many people say they are pregnant in the early stages with their 'rainbow baby'.

The term is supposed to mean a surviving baby after a loss, or losses. So, to read 'I'm 8 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby' just doesn't make any sense when very sadly, that pregnancy could be lost as well.

It seems your friend is so transfixed on this idea through suffering loss that she's lost sight of the fact that rainbows can be used for lots of other things (gay pride being one of many). It does not BELONG to a group of people who have suffered losses.

Be proud of your daughter's bedroom and don't let this lady ruin it for you. It would be so sad to create this beautiful, bright, pretty space for your child only to be made to view it with sadness.

🌈 for your daughter. BTW, Iris is a very pretty name!

There's two different issues here.

Using a rainbow theme to decorate a child's room is obviously absolutely fine. Colourful and fun. I loved rainbows as a child and would have been very happy with a rainbow room. It's something you have done for your daughter and to even consider redecorating is bonkers.

The emoji thing is different though. Of course no one can police how you use emojis but I do think it is quite weird to use one that is so strongly associated with something that doesn't apply to you.

The rainbow baby thing is very recent. So it's ridiculous to say that that is the only meaning of it.

To be honest I feel sorry for kids who have to grow up with that label, their existence forever attached to the memory of a dead sibling they never knew. They deserve to be their own selves, untramelled by someone else's sadness.

Guess I am old now but is it the norm to share everything about your baby on SM? Don’t you worry about that at all? She can’t consent and might hate it when she’s older.

@Notmushroomleft You don't need to stop using the emoji! It has so many meanings, like most emojis. It's very rare for any emoji to have only one meaning. It's never ever meant 'rainbow baby' alone. You're fine to use it for your DD. Just kindly text your friend in a gentle way explaining the name connection.

Agree with PP's. The room is fine, it's the emoji that's pissing her (and probably everyone else) off.

You're not 12, or Beyonce. Don't trademark your baby.

If it meant goat in greek you wouldnt go put goat emojis everywhere no would you.

YANBU rainbows are for everyone. What about LGB+ people, do their flags mean they have a rainbow baby?? 🙄 And isn’t it more common to have never experienced a baby loss than to have had? Very sad for those who have but not ‘unbelievably blessed’ to have never experienced one.

As previous posters have mentioned using the rainbow and blue heart could mean either you lost a boy before her or your daughter is autistic. Obviously too young to tell yet.

Explain that her name means rainbow and yes, stop using the emoji online to be sensitive as it does often mean baby after miscarriage, and because she has clearly suffered a lot and it has a strong connotation for her.
But of course 'rainbow babies' don't have a monopoly on rainbows. You dress your baby and decorate her room how you like. The rainbow is also now a symbol of the NHS, it has been a symbol for gay rights long before 'rainbow babies' was a thing, and it has been a symbol in Christianity and Judaism of the promise God made to his chosen people for literally millenia.
Anyone getting het up about rainbow appropriation needs to give it back to Ancient Judaism and stop using it unless they are Jewish.

I use the rainbow emoji all the time for my rainbow obsessed 7 year old. But I'd be more cautious about babies. I once asked a friend to take down a rainbow baby comment about my baby, she didn't know what it meant and just added it because we're rainbow obsessed in this house, but I'd have several friends I'd supported through Mc around the time he was conceived and I just thought of them when she put it up. I was being OTT, and I imagine those friends might not have noticed or cared, and the friend who commented didn't care taking it down but I wanted to be extra sensitive. Ironically I've never had a rainbow post anywhere near my dc who technically is a rainbow baby (I hate the term) so I'd say it's the emoji. If she's a good friend I'd stop doing it knowing it's causing her pain. I doubt it's the nursery

Your friend's message must have come as a shock. It wouldn't have occurred to me either that a rainbow symbol could cause any offence if used for "non rainbow" babies. My DD's changing mat and some of her babygrows have rainbows on and they're just a cute symbol - like the polka dots, stars, bears etc on her other clothes.

Your friend is being a bit unreasonable if she has an objection to your room decor. It is understandable that obviously she is hurting and seeing the world through a different prism. I agree with the above posters that she deserves empathy and kindness, but you really do NOT need to redecorate. Rainbows mean many different things to different people and the link with your daughter's name is lovely.

However it would be a thoughtful and compassionate move to refrain from using the emoji in "public", now that you know it is triggering sad memories for one of your friends.

In the same position I think I would also have a chat with my friend and apologise in a genuine way for any hurt caused, and explain that it was no in way intentional.

Just reply, Iris means rainbow, that’s been my reason for using the emoji. Then carry on, or for anyone else you worry might be feeling the same way more silently post that you’ve done the rainbow theme because of the meaning of DD’s name.

At the risk off sounding harsh to your friend, ignore her. No one has the copyright on emoji use (or indeed on rainbows).
I wouldn't describe her as a "our rainbow baby", or use a rainbowbaby hashtag or anything like that though, because she's not. That would be insensitive.

I also agree about getting rid of the emoji. It's very likely to be misinterpreted. It's also, sorry, unbearably twee.

Losing the emoji also makes the conversation with your friend easier. You'll have been seen to do something, while still making it clear that the rainbow has many meanings and is fine in the context of decoration.

Her room, absolutely fine. The emoji I wouldn't. People will assume she's a rainbow baby and it's quite easy to stop it. Also she's named after a flower, but you're not using the flower everywhere so it's a bit convoluted unless you are Greek.

Glad I read all OP posts as you’ve already replied on the emojis!

Rainbows are used in kids’ artwork (clothes, books, decorating) because they’re really cute. I actually used a public loo just yesterday with on painted over the baby change area.
So I read the title and almost all the post thinking, of course you should just use it.

Except the using the emoji constantly in posts. Whether rainbows are used for several meanings or not, I do think using it pretty much as her name in every post suggests “rainbow baby” with the loss connotation. Which still isn’t wrong exactly, but I wouldn’t choose to do that.

I agree. I’m a big user of Instagram but also never post anything personal; posting pics of DC’s rooms feels a bit much to me. Then again, so does the term “rainbow babies” and the labelling of children born post-loss to give them a special meaning. Basically anything DC-related is better off not on social media, and I think there’s going to be a reckoning from a whole generation of overshared children when they come of age and realise what’s up.

I would stop using the emoji to keep the peace. Just leave all your old posts as they are: realistically, how many people are scrolling through your archives?

it won’t be the name meaning or the room decor that she thinks is weird it will be use of the rainbow emoji.

I’ve had 3 losses and don’t call any of my living children rainbow babies but I know lots of people do really fixate on that. Of course the emoji can have other meanings in other contexts but usually when I see it connected to a post about a child I’d assume they were a rainbow baby. Everyone deals with their losses differently and to some (rightly or wrongly who’s to decide) these things become very special to them and a Symbol of their pain or hope

But also how does your friend know she's not a "rainbow baby". (Hate the term personally but I get that for some it helps)

I’m a practising Christian and I love rainbows. I had a full on rainbow outfit complete with socks for DS when he was little. DH actually said “looks like he’s going to pride” and someone else a rainbow baby comment. Rainbows have lots of connotations! But they all seem to be about love and hope.
I know the term rainbow baby is hugely helpful for people who have suffered loss. I personally find it a bit weird (that your new child is somehow connected to a child you lost) but I think that comes from ignorance on my part rather than anything else. I don’t get it. But maybe I would if I’d suffered loss.
You aren’t offending anyone by loving rainbows, and no one owns it.