To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

I see there's a thread on here about "rainbow babies" - following chemical pregnancies, so it seems to apply to a pregnancy following another, even at the initial stage.
I'd not heard the term before MN. Just seen it used during the pandemic and for LGBT support and visibility.

My rainbow baby did only exist because her brother died.

If he'd lived, or the two miscarriages in-between had stuck them we wouldn't have been trying for her.

She died too. But she was a person in her own right and was as precious as any of my others. Which is generally what most people I came across in the TTC after loss community have expressed.

Your friend, sadly, is subsumed by her grief at the loss of her pregnancy and the desperation to replace the hope which she would have felt during it

This, Op. She's grieving her loss and is probably desperately jealous and hurting. Cut her some slack, don't be a walkover, but be kind.

If my DD had lived, she would have had the middle name Iris, for my grandma and for the rainbow meaning.

@HelloBarkness - sorry for your losses, and I hope you have some joy soon. 🌻

YANBU at all. Keep with the rainbows!

I feel sorry for your friend, but where does it end? Not taking baby round to see her, because the sight of a pram is triggering?
You have done nothing wrong, and don't let your friend cloud your hard work and happiness (weather pun unintended!).

I've been googling to find out if there's any research done on older children who have grown up being called a rainbow baby, and who know that they're here because another baby died. I can't find anything, but maybe that's because the term hasn't been around long.

I foresee a bunch of young adults shortly who'll feel survivors' guilt, or that they are towing around with them a rock that represents their parents' grief...almost like having an invisible conjoined twin, and not ever being seen as purely their own person.

I totally understand that the concept is comforting for the parents, but it does bother me that it seems that no-one is thinking about the effect of it on the child that follows a loss.

If I saw a rainbow and a blue heart next to a name every single time yes I would totally believe that you had lost a boy baby before her and she was a rainbow baby.
If I found out you hadn't, I'd feel you were a bit of an attention seeker/fraud. I would think it weird to do this without having had losses.

The room is fine. I would drop the obsessing with the rainbow emoji on posts (use a flower one instead?) - it's a tiny detail that wouldn't affect you much and would mean an awful lot to your friend.

That’s not the same thing at all, because “pram” doesn’t mean “I had a loss before this baby”. Whereas for better or worse, on social media at least, which is where all this is taking place, 🌈💙 means “I lost a baby boy”. 🌈 is less likely to mean Pride on Instagram when 🏳️‍🌈 exists.

Personally I hate the term rainbow baby but I equally hate “my baby has its own hashtag/emoji” (especially when a flower emoji is there for the taking in this case…) so I’m on the fence; but I do think it does OP zero harm to drop the emoji and the friend some harm to keep it.

Yes id assume the same. It is too soon to see the effects of this on children ad they hit teenage years and beyond.

I don't really see why people need to tell the children at all. And miscarriages are extremely common. I think that a third of women experience miscarriage. It's obviously traumatic for those concerned (and how traumatic it is will depend on the circumstances), but making a big ongoing deal of it doesn't seem like such a great idea.

I imagine that some children will feel that they are being judged for not being the unborn child. If they don't get on with their parents, fail at things, etc, they may feel (rightly or wrongly) that the parents are regretting that they are around, rather than the unborn child. So if possible I wouldn't tell the child.

Yep. There are so many complex issues that could arise from the rainbow label.

I'm not saying that children should never be told of say, a still birth. But it shouldn't be connected to their 'rainbow' status. And they really don't need to know that they exist because of quite early miscarriages.

This.

It's still a fairly new thing to be so open about miscarriage, which isn't a bad thing at all, but I think some people can be so consumed with it that it can take over their life to the point an emoji causes them offence.

I know someone who had a few early miscarriages but also has four healthy children. No fertility issues, just a series of unfortunate 'one of those things'.

She marks the anniversary of the miscarriages on Facebook each year, has Christmas tree decorations in their memory, wishes them a happy due date each year on Facebook, and keeps the scan photos in frames around the house. It just seems a little intense, and she always talks about her 'rainbow children' like they only really happened because of the miscarriages.

I've had one, and it's desperately sad and upsetting, but I don't think it's appropriate to put that level of responsibility onto a subsequent child. They are a child in their own right. And while it's true they possibly wouldn't have been born without a miscarriage taking place first it doesn't need to be put on them.

Obviously everyone grieves in their own way and everyone's feelings are valid, I just think it's healthy to be open about these things without projecting so much into social media and onto the children that came along after.

I know someone who had a few early miscarriages but also has four healthy children. No fertility issues, just a series of unfortunate 'one of those things'.
She marks the anniversary of the miscarriages on Facebook each year, has Christmas tree decorations in their memory, wishes them a happy due date each year on Facebook, and keeps the scan photos in frames around the house. It just seems a little intense, and she always talks about her 'rainbow children' like they only really happened because of the miscarriages.

Those poor kids. Seriously, that's a terrible thing to do to her living children.

I know someone who had a few early miscarriages but also has four healthy children. No fertility issues, just a series of unfortunate 'one of those things'.
She marks the anniversary of the miscarriages on Facebook each year, has Christmas tree decorations in their memory, wishes them a happy due date each year on Facebook, and keeps the scan photos in frames around the house. It just seems a little intense, and she always talks about her 'rainbow children' like they only really happened because of the miscarriages.

Those poor kids. Seriously, that's a terrible thing to do to her living children.

If she had scan photos of them they can’t have all been early miscarriages.

I personally wouldn't ever use the rainbow emoji in a post about my child, as I know the connotation and wouldn't want the association (and my child is a "rainbow baby"). If I seen it on someone's post I would automatically think they are saying their child is their rainbow baby following a loss. Obviously that's an assumption, but just based on what I know, it's just what my first thought would be.

I don't think your friend would expect you to redecorate your room, or take down all your posts. That's not what she's saying at all. So that's a bit of a jump to say all that. All you need to do is go back to her and tell her why you've used the rainbow emoji. It's really not a big deal. I doubt she'll see it as one. She was just letting you know about her sensitivities. If I had a friend who was that sensitive about something, due to their past trauma then I'd do what I could to not add to that.

I honestly can't imagine ever being so judgemental towards someone that experienced loss like this. To sit and judge someone for how they grieve. Disgusting behaviour.

We sit and tell women that they should be more open about loss, so people don't suffer in silence anymore. And then you come on here and see comments of others judging these women for grieving "early loss" as if they have no right to. Honestly, it's shocking the lengths people will go to just to judge others. Brutal.

My early miscarriage was a MMC discovered at ten weeks, I have scan photos somewhere. I wouldn't have thought it was unusual.

My thoughts exactly.

@SarahAndQuack it's horrible. To describe someone's grieving as "a little intense" is so morally wrong on many levels. So typical unfortunately, and just screams grieve in silence please so you don't make the rest of uncomfortable, thanks!

I thought rainbows signified same sex romance not still birth. Have read the thread though and see that it is a thing. It might just be a mumsnet thing though because I know two people in real life that have had still births and I have never heard them use rainbow for that.

It also is used by pet owners when their animal dies they go 'over the rainbow bridge'.

I don't suppose that people will think that your baby is gay as how would you know. I don't suppose they will think that your dog has died either.

I mean in this day and age you could paint a cow on your wall and people might think your child identifies as a cow. Who knows what people might think. It isn't insensitive.

I don't think homosexuals, pet mourners, or parents of still birth babies have the monopoly on rainbows. Still birth is desperately, desperately sad, but a sad reality of child birth even in our country with such good medical care, it is also quite a private grief from what I have seen so would think the rainbow thing must just be for those in the know that have sadly shared in that grief. I don't think most people would draw that link from it.

It's not everybody else they are saying its uncomfortable for. They are talking about the effect on her surviving children. How are they supposed to feel if they are only here as a result of the loss of another baby

No, the post I read clearly says they think it's a little intense. Horrendous wording to describe someone's grief.

My mothers first baby died, I've known about it all my life for as far as I can remember, and never once has it entered my head to associate their death with me being alive. I never thought oh if my brother was alive I wouldn't be here, I simply thought if my brother was alive id have a brother. Similarly, having discussed miscarriages with a group of friends recently, nearly all of their mothers had had miscarriages too, some multiple. Again, knowing this growing up had no negative impact on how any of them felt within their family. If anything, we all noted how grateful we were that our mothers openly discussed it as we understand ourselves how lonely and isolating it can feel.

Silencing a persons trauma because it makes other people uncomfortable has to stop.