To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

No problem with a rainbow room it’s cute.

I’d stop using the rainbow emoji on social media posts.

Your daughter is six months old. If I saw somebody posting baby pictures with a rainbow I would immediately think “rainbow baby”.

But then maybe that’s as I had several miscarriages so am aware of the term - put on me by other people discussing my losses in some sort of a flowery way.

It’s not a big ask to cut the emoji use to be compassionate to your friend.

I would just message saying “iris means rainbow in Greek, hence associating rainbows with her and giving her a rainbow room. Sorry this has offended you, here if you need to talk”

and leave it at that.

No, nobody owns the rainbow – but the emoji rainbow isn’t a composite of all the light around us. It’s a symbol that, collectively, society has decided means/represents:
• Pride
• NHS
• A baby born after loss
The same way as a pp points out, 🍆 doesn’t mean aubergine and 💦 doesn’t mean water. Emojis are a language and languages evolve; this is how the rainbow symbol has evolved.

This is mad. What’s next you cant use the rainbow because you’re not part of the LFBTQ+ community?

Ps I hate the term rainbow babies too and I love bright rainbows for babies. So rainbow 🌈 the nursery away x

You haven’t done anything wrong in using the rainbow either as an emoji or for decorating

a friend of mine lost her son when he was 10 years old and she, and all her social media friends, use the rainbow as a symbol for him because that was one of the things he loved. As others have said its for pride and a symbol of hope

it sounds like you would like to stop using the emoji to save upsetting your friend so that would probably make both of you feel better

THIS!

I steadfastly REFUSE to affiliate rainbows with any sect who try to claim it.
It’s a RAINBOW and symbolises weather conditions. Forever.

Keep the room as it is.

I had 2 babies after 2 losses 20-ish years ago. I never hear the term rainbow baby then, I think it’s a relatively recent term. Whereas rainbows have been around for forever, and irises a long time too. I think your friend is being oversensitive. Rainbows have lots of meanings. I think it’s sweet that you use an emoji for your baby, I don’t think you should stop, just explain to your friend the meaning. Iris is a lovely name btw.

I’ve only come across rainbow used in a bereavement context. I’ve seen it used mostly for pets that have died and crossed “the rainbow bridge”. Until this thread I assumed a rainbow baby was a baby which did not survive. I think it is odd to attach the status of a previous failed pregnancy(ies) to a living baby.

Have your rainbow decor. For most people of my age (sixties) it means gay pride, or childrens tv shows.

Dorothy Gale is rather stymied if she can't go over the rainbow

Sorry but she is being precious. Rainbows are beautiful and don’t have just one meaning. What happens if she sees one in the sky? Is she going to cry and howl each time? You discovered your daughter’s name’s second meaning later, you like it and have chosen a pretty theme for her room. Absolutely NONE of her business.

Yanbu. Though I get your friend is struggling, there is no reason for you to not use a rainbow theme in the nursery. Talk to your friend and explain the association just as you have done to us.

Rainbow imagery is not used exclusively for one thing - Pride uses it, and then it was co-opted during Covid by way of support for the NHS (all those rainbows in windows).

Your friend cannot seek to say how the image should be used. But talk to her, be honest.

Iris is a gorgeous name!

This is why the OP’s friend shouldn’t have an issue with her using it though. As you’ve said, the rainbow emoji is commonly used to represent a number of things. There are no rules to say you can only use emojis for what they “mean”. They’re just pictures and can be interpreted lots of ways.

My DC is Autistic, it is incredibly common for ASD kids to love rainbows. I had never heard the term rainbow babies until now and I actually thought reading the title you were talking about autism????

Rainbows are absolutely beautiful, just about everybody stops and smiles when they see one. They are a lovely message of hope dating from the bible story and quite likely other cultures have similar just because they are such lovely masterpieces of nature. No one owns their usage; not pride, not lgb people, not people with rainbow babies, not people who buy grimms toys from babipur, I would try and be sensitive as she’s obviously hurting but wouldn’t change anything.
there’s a classic childs story book with a page where she hangs up prisms to cast rainbows in the room, now I can’t remember which book it is and it’s bugging me!

If I were you I would reply and explain what you've explained here and say you'd never made the connection and you're sorry she feels like that but you understand because of her situation that she's sensitive and if she would prefer not to follow you you'll understand.

Pollyanna.

Shes told you it's upsetting her so just stop using the emoji. It's not hard. It might be she's the only one who's mentioned it to you but she might not be the only one thinking it.

Honestly, I'd reply gently telling her that she has no idea what anyone else has gone through on their journey to motherhood and that if she assumes everyone has had an easy ride just because they haven't discussed their personal life with her then she's going to be upset by everything.

Rainbows symbolise lots of different things. She has no right to dictate that her symbolisation is the correct and only acceptable one. She's understandably upset but she's only hurting herself if she thinks that she won't push people away with this kind of entitled behaviour.

A rainbow is a sign of hope (because there's still sunshine in a storm), a sign of inclusivity (because every colour in the spectrum is in a rainbow), a sign of diversity (because it's so many different colours all coming together to create something beautiful), a symbol of good fortune (because of the pot of gold stories), a symbol of new beginnings (because it shows a change from rain to sun). It's been used for LGBT+ rights, the NHS, anti-nuclear energy, against the invasion of Iraq... No one movement or belief or meaning "owns" the rainbow.

She's going through a hard time and has obviously suffered a loss (which is awful)...but she's entirely wrong in her behaviour here. I hope she realises it before she loses friends by being like this - and I've lost a baby too.

@TrippinEdBalls
"Hi, Love what you've done with Iris' room, really pretty. Can I just say though it's a bit weird that you've used rainbows. I know you do that a lot for her but I have to say I find it a bit insensitive. You know I'm waiting for my rainbow baby and Iris isn't one so maybe you should use something else to be her theme?' just thinking. Hope you don't mind me being honest with you'

that's her literal text so I'm not 'huffing' or 'sulking' and I don't think I'm being weirdly sensitive in assuming she might also be talking about the room decor as much as she is the emojis. I love my friend dearly; I'm not mad at her and I am upset that I have caused her any additional pain on what she has already had to endure but yes, I am a bit reluctant to redecorate DD's room. I am more than happy to stop using the emojis but it's a bit different to redecorate a room I've spent time and money on so I wanted to get some opinions and perspectives in this forum about using a rainbow theme as much as an emoji.

In the 90s it used to be quite normal to use rainbows decoration for kids rooms. Along with clouds, suns and moons with faces on them, farm animals, stars. you name it. It was all quite silly and juvenile.

I am also confused about the term 'rainbow baby'. I mean, it's a baby. They don't even understand what species they are yet, let alone what gender. And to speculate on a baby's sexual orientation is just gross.

Just say that you meant no offence and just use rainbows because you like them and your DD's name means rainbow in Greek and you'll tone it down. No need to change the nursery. There are rainbows everywhere, if your DF is going to get upset everytime she sees one, she's going to be upset all the time!

You definitely don't need to redecorate the room to appease your friend.

Rainbow baby means a baby born after a miscarriage/stillbirth.

Just stop using the emoji, if you want to. It's clearly triggering for your DF after her very sad loss, and it would be kind of you to do so. Otherwise crack on. Rainbows are not exclusively for those who have lost children. It's a lovely symbol, but not exclusively owned by anyone.

DS loves his rainbows. I had a miscarriage years ago, but never associate that or him with rainbows. Daft.