To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

"Hi DF. I'm so sorry for causing upset, I certainly didn't mean to. Iris means rainbow, hence why I associate rainbows with her. I will dial down my use of rainbows on social media. Thank you for being honest with me."

I've had three miscarriages and waiting for my rainbow. I think she's being a bit ott, but you're allowed to be ott when going through a hard time.

My daughter is called Iris too. One of my close friends is Greek so I've always known about the rainbow thing and did vaguely consider that people might think I had called her that because she is a 'rainbow baby'. I've got older children too though and most people know I have never had a loss, so I didn't think much more about it.

The emoji thing might make me think you were referring to a loss if I didn't already know about the meaning of the name. Most people think of the flower first when they think of Iris, so a flower emoji would be what they would expect.

Anyway, you're a bit cringey having a 'signature emoji' but your friend is also totally overreacting. I bet a lot of people have never even heard of the term 'rainbow baby' and wouldn't even think that at all, but she's obviously oversensitive for obvious reasons.

Don't redecorate the room but maybe stop the emoji thing because it's a bit silly really.

I think you're getting a really unnecessary hard time OP and are obviously trying to be considerate of your friend. I don't think your huffing or sulking as one poster seems to insist!

As someone lucky enough to have two children after three losses (one late) I also think your friend is being overly sensitive

I know loads of people with rainbow themed rooms - it's a popular theme!

I'd reply as others have suggested explaining that it's the meaning of her name in Greek. I wouldn't even stop using the rainbow emoji but can see you will do that anyway.

Don't redecorate!

Your friend is ridiculous, but pain will do that to you.

Since the pandemic it appears to be illegal to make little girls clothes without a rainbow on somewhere. We'll be redecorating 4yo DD's room soon and I wouldn't be surprised if she picked rainbows, they're a current favourite. Wouldn't even occur to me to discourage it because she wasn't a rainbow baby, rainbows are cool, and colourful, and have lots of other meanings.

Dd2 technically is a rainbow baby but I hate the term.

In truth if you were using a reasonable emoji every post I'd assume that's what you were referring to (and in truth think it a bit much six months in) so maybe knock that on the head.

I'd struggle to form a polite response to that message but you should be classier than me!

Absolutely

I’ve learned so much from this thread. I didn’t know what a rainbow baby was or that a blue heart was for autism, and both apply to DS (big gangling 11 yo sitting next to me playing Minecraft in his pants; my most used emojis in relation to him are 😬 and 😂).

I find the idea of being upset by emojis strange but obviously I’m very old and out of touch. I certainly wouldn’t be redecorating a whole room.

“Rainbow baby” is a really new term. I guess I’m technically a “Rainbow baby” because my mum fell pregnant with me shortly after a later term miscarriage. The rainbow symbol has been used for thousands of years for other things. I think your friend needs to unfollow you on social media if she’s triggered by the rainbows and your Dd.

It's a shame youf friend is upset. But this term 'rainbow baby' is a relatively new one. and Rainbows have often been used when decorating childrdn's rooms over the years. I don't think you are insensitive or naive.

I have not read the thread. I have no wish to.

I had never heard the term rainbow baby until I came here. Apparently I have one. I think its an awful label to put upon another human being and will just become another future therapy issue imo. A baby is a blessing. A future, a hope of good things to come. Calling them a rainbow baby implies they are second best,, possibly not have been wanted if the other had survived (eg you only wanted two children).

I know people deal with grief in different ways, I am still grieving for my baby and its been nearly thirty years. I will never make my "rainbow" child feel insignificant by calling her that. Your friend is being too precious with a stupid label, she needs to let it go and grieve properly, not grasp wildly onto a "thing". I can understand why, but its not healthy.

Reclaim the rainbows for your daughter, and on behalf of us who think its not a good label for a baby to have ♥

YANBU OP. You're friend is being overly sensitive, but try to understand her POV. Apologise that she is feeling hurt, but there is no need for you to stop using the rainbow when talking about your daughter even if it is a bit OTT.
Rainbows are not a protected symbol, no one has ownership over them. I had 2 mcs but despise the rainbow baby term. No one is "waiting for their rainbow", they are waiting to get pregnant again and have a live baby.

I’ve had a miscarriage and I think she’s being absolutely ridiculous. If she wants to insist that rainbows on a child’s room / clothing etc can only be there if they are a rainbow baby then that’s a view that obviously does not reflect reality. Just tell her that the rainbows are because you like them in nature, and you have not chosen them for their symbolic meaning for rainbow babies, pride or working for the NHS. That’s like saying only LGB women can wear a rainbow on their clothing as otherwise straight women are misleading people. She’s clearly hugely sensitive about the issue but she’s projecting onto you.

Well put. If my mum referred to me as her Rainbow baby then I would feel second best or a reincarnation or something. I can understand women grieving at their 2nd or 3rd trimester miscarriage or stillbirth, but you’re right that the term rainbow baby can be problematic.

I can understand where your friend is coming from, I've suffered a loss, my DD is a rainbow baby. Loss and infertility can make you unreasonable it doesn't mean she's right or you're wrong but I would stop using the emoji as it does have certain connotations when used in conjunction with babies on social media, especially if it meant my friend wouldn't feel hurt or upset. It's a small thing in the grand scheme of it.

I wouldn't redecorate the room though, the loss community hasn't got the monopoly on the rainbow symbol, rainbow themed stuff for kids rooms is readily available and I wouldn't assume a rainbow themed bedroom had anything to do with loss like I would an emoji.

In a similar situation with sil who had just had a 'rainbow' baby. I decorated my baby's room shortly after she was born and the rainbow theme was chosen by dh , he wasn't aware of the connotations that I would argue are a more recent thing. He just liked that theme over others we had discussed. Our eldest always calls baby, 'our sunshine' because she is such a happy girl so that influenced the decision. She thought it was insensitive for us to use that theme because she wanted to and her baby was actually a 'rainbow' baby. I've said she can decorate her baby's room however she wants but you don't get to monopolise a theme that existed before the term was coined. If she had mentioned how she wanted to decorate her baby's room I would have gone with a different theme but it seems silly to be in a huff with me (not dh of course) when my baby has been sleeping in her room since she turned 6 months and is older than her own baby.

She is being unreasonable, you could cut her some slack of course. The emoji is also associated with pride but if you use it after a baby's name on social media many will associated with a loss so on that front I'd be weary to use it.

The problem here is social media. Not whatever you’ve done to your DD’s room. And it’s the perennial problem with social media: it has no filter. So - I wouldn’t bang on about my kids’ private school or the holiday we’ve booked to my friend who is pretty hard up and whose husband has just lost his job. If you were sitting there in real life with your friend who struggles with fertility and she was telling you how down she was, you wouldn’t whip out a photo of your DD’s room and tell her what her name meant. But posts on social media can have exactly that effect. Because it’s “out there” for everyone, with no adaptations for individual circumstances - and we can’t control when others see it. So it’s not surprising that sometimes others won’t react as we want them to.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, either in what you’ve done or in your post. But that’s the impact it’s had on your friend. So she’s not unreasonable to let you know that, really. Social media causes so many problems like this, I think.

This, 100%

I’m a bit dim, and didn’t realise iris meant rainbow (thought it was a flower). There are probably others like me out there too. Tbh I would think it’s a bit weird after every selfie to post a rainbow if they weren’t a rainbow baby as that’s a common use, same with the blue heart (often a lovey symbol for baby boys I thought, the blue eye link may not be obvious). But I would think posting an emoji on every selfie a bit OTT but hey, it’s Instagram. I have a rainbow baby but If my friend was doing this I’d probs just ignore it though as it’s your Instagram. But maybe this friend is struggling with her own circumstances- only you would know that.

I agree with this. I hate the term and how some people constantly refer to their child as a rainbow baby. Children should not be raised knowing they were a replacement for a deceased sibling. They shouldn't have to understand what that means at 4, 5, 6 etc. it is purely selfish parenting.

My DD middle name is Iris because of the rainbow meaning. We had recurrent loss before her.

I don't think anyone can claim an emoji but I do think when you are/have been entrenched in infertility/loss content it is easy to assume every rainbow emoji you see along with a baby means a rainbow baby. She is being a little precious but in the context of a fertility struggle perhaps it is kinder to just not use the emoji.

The nursery decor is absolutely fine. She is BU if she legitimately wants you to change it

Honestly, if it were me I'd stop using the rainbow emojis (which I see you're already gonna do.) Not because they mean baby loss, because they don't to me, but because they do to her and it upsets her. But I wouldn't even contemplate redecorating, and I would think a bit less of the friend for buying into a symbol and a label so wholeheartedly as to cause an issue between you. She's in pain, I get that, I can't even imagine the devastation of losing a child. But outside of her own bubble of grief and others going through the same, a rainbow is just a rainbow, and trying to gatekeep it is just ridiculous.

On the subject of emojis though... I'm not emoji savvy at all, but I have to use them for SM posts at work (I work at a dog daycare.) When we get the paddling pool or the hose out, I'll write something along the lines of "When the weather gets warm, out comes the pool! 😎💜💦" PLEASE tell me that I'm not inadvertently saying we're having a hot tub orgy!

As pp have said, the rainbow has been used by various groups.
How did she cope during the pandemic when they were in everyone's windows?
At work we've all been given rainbow flags to put in our classrooms as it's gay pride month.
I'm sure that you're sensitive to her in daily life, which is what matters.

That is different to using a rainbow with a baby it's the rainbow + baby combo that is causing upset not gay pride.

Don't redecorate, there is no need. No one owns rainbows and they have had deep meaning in human culture for centuries.

SM is the cause of so much drama, in part because what used to be private - the inside of a child's bedroom, what someone had for tea, every thought that passes through their head - is now shared widely. One way to avoid these sort of issues is to just quietly go about your business and stop posting things that don't need to be posted.

Do be kind to your friend about their situation though.

Would you really have chosen a different theme? Whats wrong with them both having rainbow themed rooms?

OP it's lovely of you to be considerate of your friends feelings, but quite frankly your friend is being an absolute dick. How dare she tell you that using rainbows is insensitive?! As someone who has had multiple MC myself I wouldn't even have made the connection.
I hate the term rainbow baby, it's ridiculously twee.
Ignore her, she's being pathetic. If she brings it up again tell her that rainbows aren't exclusive to anyone and you like the room.
Iris is a lovely name too.