To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

@MsTSwift My social media is private and only for friends and family. Me sharing a picture of DD there is absolutely no different to me sending a picture to each one of them individually (which I could because I know everyone on my Instagram personally). I like that in one place I can see DDs progression and growth over the period of however infrequently I post a picture (say every few weeks on average). I don't put hashtags on any picture with DD so literally no one can see her unless they actually know me and I am allowing them to see her so no, I don't worry about that and I don't think I need DDs consent anymore than does any parent ask their child's consent before sending a photo to anyone individual

Your friend is being massively oversensitive and unreasonable but infertility does that to you. DD is a rainbow but I don’t use the term and have no issue you using it.

Maybe explain to your friend what you have here about the meaning etc but please don’t feel bad or feel you have to change her room as you’ve done nothing wrong!

I really don’t think you’ve been insensitive nor naive. I think you’re being too hard on yourself because your friend is upset. But nothing you have done has been done with ill intent, like you say the association with baby loss didn’t cross your mind. I’m the same, if someone is upset with me I am unnecessarily harsh on myself. However, you have to realise in situations like these that the loss is what has upset your friend and she’s therefore being sensitive to things you wouldn’t have thought - which unfortunately is her problem to deal with. Not yours.

Your friend is being a little irrational because she is grieving her baby and desperate for her rainbow baby. You don't need to redecorate, personally I would stop using rainbow emoji for every social media post as a kindness to your friend. I agree with the poster who said that a rainbow and blue heart emoji would make me think she is your rainbow baby after losing a little boy.

I love the name Iris, it was on my list of girl names for my rainbow after 2 losses, because of the name meaning and I also had a grandma called Iris. I had a little boy and his name means light bringer. Baby loss makes you have all kinds of weird irrational thoughts and emotions, especially when you haven't been able to conceive your wanted rainbow baby and/or have to deal with infertility on top of the loss.

You're not 12, or Beyonce. Don't trademark your baby.

Exactly. The emoji business is just silly and immature.

Agree with others, the nursery is fine and lovely, but the emoji after the name has really come to mean something else, for better or worse. One of those modern vernacular emoji things, like god forbid anyone using the aubergine to actually talk about aubergines.

But in practice they're exactly the same thing! Anyone aware of the term will assume that if OP is posting a rainbow emoji every time she mentions her daughter she's trying to say she's a rainbow baby. What's the difference with spelling it out in words?

I think your Friend is obv hurting, although she must see a lot of Rainbows .with pride nhs and so on. Maybe explain its just a nice theme ,you have redecorated now and are sorry if she is hurt but you didn't know but you can't change it now

I knew a girl at school called Rainbow. It was before rainbow babies were a thing (think 30+ years ago).

To only associate rainbows with your daughter shows you're in that lovely bubble of love. awe and only seeing her and your baby world. First time parents have all been there in some form or another. It's given you a shake that not everyone sees her how you do and to look at a bigger picture.
Absolutely keep her room decorated in rainbows but stop using a rainbow emjois. If I saw that I'd assume you lost a boy or if I knew you I'd think you were being slightly odd posting that you'd lost a boy when you hadn't.
I'd apologise, tell her you were in first born haze and promise to be more sensitive in the future.

At this point I’d just remove the friend from your social media.

To be fair, she should’ve just done this herself.

I think you've settled on a happy compromise: keep the rainbows around her in actual life (e.g. her room) but stop posting emojis on your Instagram page.

Should the latter be necessary? No. But does it actually matter and/or is it a big sacrifice? No.

I have teens now they would not be happy if I had done this. Thinking about it now very few of my fellow parents of teens post any pictures and if so very occasionally and with their consent. She’s not your doll to post pictures of document your own life fine but not hers. As soon as she’s able to she’s likely to tell you and your phone to sod off and you will have some explaining to do about all you have shared in the past.

Nobody owns the rainbow. It's the composite of all the light around us 🙄
You do you, OP.

@TrippinEdBalls I don't think I am being weirdly sensitive. I think that's unfair. I've done what I've always done without giving it mush thought, maybe that has made me insensitive to other people so now that it's been brought to me attention I'm now just trying to decide what I need to do to make it right for my friend. I don't think it's weirdly sensitive to be upset when you suddenly get a text out of the blue calling you insensitive; even if I have been I certainly haven't meant to be so I'm just processing that and trying to work out my next step and asking for advice on an anonymous forum.

You’re friend is being sensitive OP.
I had a miscarriage, I never even knew of the term rainbow baby until I was halfway through my 2nd pregnancy, so although my eldest is my rainbow baby I’ve never considered her as such.
No one owns rainbows, carry on using the emojis and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty over it. It corresponds to her name and she is your world now, you definitely haven’t been insensitive either!

Bonkers.
although this is a good example of sm leading to misunderstandings and unnecessary broadcasting. Who really needs to see your child’s room or have an option on the décor?

Did you tell your friend you’ve been using rainbows because it’s what your dds name means?

Don't worry about it op, but if your friend is important to you drop the emoji in future posts as a kindness to her. You've done nothing wrong.

To be honest I think you're reacting like a sulky child. Your friend sent you a message saying that she loves the room but she finds it a bit weird and insensitive that you continually use the rainbow emoji and you've gone off in some overdramatic huff 'oh so now I have to redecorate the room and delete every Instagram post?!'. No, and no one at any point suggested that!

This is absolutely over the top and ridiculous. It’s not about how a new mum sees her baby, or being in a “first born haze”. The OP hasn’t done anything insensitive! Rainbows have many associations, would you say OP needed to be more sensitive if an LGBT friend had told her she was misusing the rainbow symbol/emoji?! No, because that would also be ridiculous!

I think this is more about her than you.

As someone who has gone through fertility issues, I have one friend who I particularly struggle with for her being insensitive when I thought she was a better friend than she's turned out to be, I had counted her as one of my best friends.

I personally was finding some of her posts really offensive as they were saying stuff like I couldn't imagine ever not being a mummy, my world would never ever be complete etc., despite her knowing my situation she posted that the same day I'd made the effort to drive over an hour to see her new baby. I made an effort to get her a really personalised gift and never got a thank you everyone else who had, had something personally made she thanked and took pics of for fb/Instagram. When she had her second child again she was totally insensitive, in her post saying oh I'm blessed for having a second baby first time of trying.

Everyone thinks she's wonderful and the most amazing person in the world one of those people everyone loves which makes how she's treated me even harder, as no one believes she would be like that.

She hasn't congratulated me since I found out I was pregnant after fertility treatment, says it all really.

Sorry for the ramble, I think she is being overly sensitive of your use of rainbows, but it may well be that be that she is suffering and really she needs you more than you realise, is what I'm trying to get at. I just wanted a little bit more sensitivity of her and some support rather than lose her as a friend, but sometimes the easiest thing to do is push people away like she is doing.

Well, in my view a rainbow is a symbol of God's covenant with Noah to never flood the earth again. So it's all relative what such symbols mean really. I've had a miscarriage and it wouldn't even occur to me to be offended by this. No one gets a monopoly on rainbows.

I have never heard the term 'rainbow baby' used except on Mumsnet. I guess one of mine would fit the definition, except I hate it - she is person in her own right, not a substitute for her dead brother.

I'd find it insensitive if anyone dared to use the term 'rainbow baby' about my daughter, so my view is that you cannot please everyone. Your daughter has as much right to a rainbow as anyone and to suggest otherwise is nonsense.

Well I’ve read as far as this and I still don’t know what rainbow baby means. Is it a mixed skin coloured baby or something else? Because all I can think of is the song.. “all the colours of the rainbow and I have everyone’