To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

I'm judging her for the psychological damage that she's inflicting on her four children.

Grief is terrible. But there are ways and times to be open about it that don't damage the living.

Theres a balance between people grieving in a way that's right for them, and giving due priority to the living.
The conventions around grieving MC seem to become progressively more complex, intense and protracted and when they are encouraged to follow future children down the years, defining them with labels, the balance is skewed.
While some people may be helped there are others who prefer to accept MC as a sad but commonplace, part of life, move on and focus on the lives of those around them, seeking happiness for their families rather than keep publically revisiting their pain.
These people could opt out of the rituals, but they're becoming so embedded, there is almost a feeling if you don't go along with them you are not doing right by the child you lost. There are many people who feel this way, but because they prefer to cope privately, their voices are not heard as loudly. So the accepted truth is that the rainbows, labels and rituals help, and anyone not giving the latest symbol due respect is insensitive.

Thank you for your post.

As in any kind of grief, the loss belongs to the parents, and should not be visited on the living children, who are being sucked into the performative grief for unborn siblings.

@TabbyKat87

the post describing the lady as being intense was an entirely correct description.
That woman was constantly describing her children as rainbow children years later and making a shrine around the home.
yes she should be supported and have counselling in her grief but she absolutely SHOULD NOT be projecting that grief onto her living children! Imagine the intensity of them growing up with that and living in the shadow of a dead sibling or miscarried pregnancies! They are not rainbow children …they are just children and she is harming them by carrying on in this manner.
yes her mental health is a concern but her childrens mental health trumps that.

there a is a world of difference between supporting someone in their grief and using your grief to bring someone else’s mental health down , especially a child. Plenty of people on here are adults who know that their mother lost a child before them and they have described that they can see they harm if the term rainbow child existed years ago in this context.

The term seems to have been coined in order to encourage more open discussion around pregnancy loss but it has been completely the wrong angle and I think it should stop. Pregnancy loss is about the mother not the next child so they should come up with a term that represents a mother who has lost a child, not target a child who is here post loss.

Let’s be honest if we discovered our mother had lost a child we would be sad for her and have a few sad thoughts about the older sibling we never had. But we would live our lives to the full the vast majority of our lives barely giving it much thought across our lives and we most certainly wouldn’t want ourselves to be the focus of our mothers grief. It would drive us insane to sit and think about the what ifs and would be a destructive way to live. Having such a term or emoji does NOTHING to help that mother. It just screams of a cry out for help that is not being answered because the people who hear her speak of rainbow child or see the emoji on instagram are not counsellors and are not going to help her. They just feel sorry for her and sorry for her next children which is pointless.

ladies please stop doing this to your children and get help for YOUR grief.

Blimey I have a rainbow baby but I only found that out by reading MN and she’s now 28.
Rainbows for children’s room have been around for years, she’s being an idiot.

I think there's a big difference between ever using the term 'rainbow baby' and using it continually and throughout childhood. I've seen people use it when announcing a pregnancy, which I think is a reasonable way of acknowledging what came before. I told a few people that we'd 'had a really hard journey to get DS1', which is pretty much the same thing without the twee phrase, and I found it both important to me to acknowledge that, and also useful because I found pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage a very difficult, anxious thing and so letting people know, at least through hints, why I was a bit reluctant to do lots of 'when the baby's here' chat (which I found really hard; it would invariably make me tearful) was helpful.

But I do think that using the phrase every time, and with children who are old enough to understand it, is different and potentially quite damaging. It shouldn't be part of your conception of your child's identity, and it certainly shouldn't be part of their own identity.

OP, I'm going to sound a bit harsh but I think you should reply to your friend and gently apologise that she is hurt and then tell her you thinks it's best if she doesn't follow you on insta any more. Then remove her from your friends list, as you have a private account you can do that. Be very kind of course. I just think it's a bit unfair of her to dictate what you put on social media because of her situation. You can be sympathetic and supportive about it but it has nothing to do with you and isn't your fault. I think she's projecting her pain on to your Instagram a bit. You should be free to express yourself as you wish (barring being obviously offensive of course). You're not harming anyone. She's obviously in a lot of pain but again, it's not your fault and you shouldn't have to modify your social media usage because of it when you're really not harming anyone. Stopping using rainbows isn't going to take her pain away.

I really dislike the term rainbow baby personally and I wouldn’t pay any attention to it. That doesn’t mean you can’t reply sensitively to your friend and explain the meaning and the importance of it to you but you definitely don’t need to be tiptoeing around rainbows, how ridiculous of her

Mother of a 'rainbow baby' here!

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, she's sensitive because of her situation and I understand that, it isn't always rational.

Just to add though, if I saw you posting a rainbow emoji every time you posted about your child I probably would assume you were saying she was a rainbow baby but that's only because I didn't know her name meant rainbow in Greek ha and that would be down to my assumption, not anything you've done wrong, people who've experienced losses don't have the monopoly on the word or emoji.

Me sharing a picture of DD there is absolutely no different to me sending a picture to each one of them individually (which I could because I know everyone on my Instagram personally).

If there was no SM would you print out a picture of her room and show it to 52 of your friends? You are doing it for attention but that's what SM is about, you did something you were proud of and wanted to show it off, just own it! As to the friend I'd reply explaining why you've used the Rainbow reference but saying you want use the emoji anymore (if you value her friendship that is)

Just to add though, if I saw you posting a rainbow emoji every time you posted about your child I probably would assume you were saying she was a rainbow baby but that's only because I didn't know her name meant rainbow in Greek ha and that would be down to my assumption, not anything you've done wrong, people who've experienced losses don't have the monopoly on the word or emoji.

I do know the meaning of Iris but if I saw someone posting a rainbow emoji alongside their daughter Iris's name on Instagram I'd still assume they did mean 'rainbow baby' and that they were obviously into this concept to the extent that they had given the daughter the name because they knew about and liked the meaning. Which isn't to say that I think anyone has a monopoly on the emoji or the name Iris, but just that I do think people will be assuming that's what OP means.

I have one "rainbow" and two other children. I bloody love colour and rainbows I'm also bisexual and employed by the nhs. My use of rainbows everywhere on everything isn't for either of those reasons. Nor am I worshipping the Christian God nor norse gods. Rainbows are a beautiful thing, cheerful, optimistic also educational.

Your friend is being silly. None of these groups claim some copyright on the quirk of physics that gives us rainbows!

I've never heard of the term rainbow baby so YANBU

just that I do think people will be assuming that's what OP means

Yes I do agree, I think a lot of people will assume that's what OP means with the emojis.

Your friend is being ridiculous and over sensitive, sorry.

I feel for her loss, but rainbows are mainstream and have been for centuries. I’m early 20s and would never synonymies rainbows with a miscarriage. This “rainbow baby” thing is a social media trend amongst a super niche subsection of society and the rest of us have no idea about it.

Rainbows in a child’s room is surely a normal, commonplace decoration right? I can imagine nurseries and schools with rainbows on the walls. No one has ownership of rainbow decor or emoji.

I think you should tell your friend that you’re really sorry for her loss and that she’s hurting, and that you’re there if she wants to talk. I wouldn’t say you need to justify yourself any further. Maybe in the future you can post something with the caption that Iris means rainbow, but I don’t think your friend wants to hear that right now. She’s not in the right headspace

I feel for her loss, but rainbows are mainstream and have been for centuries. I’m early 20s and would never synonymies rainbows with a miscarriage. This “rainbow baby” thing is a social media trend amongst a super niche subsection of society and the rest of us have no idea about it.

I don't think that's really true amongst parents, tbh. Not that I think that automatically means nobody should use them and it certainly shouldn't have any bearing on decorating bedrooms etc, but I think most parents will have encountered the rainbow baby concept if on SM.

My eldest is my only living child out of five pregnancies . I have had two second trimester TFMRs (one born live, the other too prem to be live), a MMC and a MC after him.

I am really conscious of him not growing up with the weight of being the one who was survived. He shouldn't be an only child, he isn't, technically, but his siblings died. I would rather him grow up knowing of their existence and it just being part of our family story, than it be a shock as an older child to learn of.

But managing his experience and understanding of loss as a very young child is paramount. Explaining things in an age appropriate and honest way, answering his questions and being open about death is something I was, am, very focused about. The grief of his parents shouldn't impact on him.

maybe you should use something else to be her theme?'

Babies have themes? Shit, now I know where I went wrong.

She is your friend op. I would apologise for upsetting her but explain why you post what you do. Let her know that you haven’t meant to be insensitive.

Where has this idea come from that controlling other people helps us manage ‘pain’ in any meaningful way? She needs to see a therapist, not tell you what emojis you’re permitted to use, OP.

I rainbow is a beautiful natural phenomenon and nobody owns it.
Just explain that her name means rainbow and you like rainbows.
i think she was being out of order. Maybe when she realises your daughters name means rainbow she will come to her senses.
Grief does make people unreasonable though so def go easy.

I have had two mcs myself before I got my firstborn and never used that term.

Thank you, exactly what I meant. It is intense for the children.

You sound like an amazing friend. ♥️

I've lost a baby, and wouldn't be offended at all. To be honest, I don't call my little boy my rainbow child, because I don't want to always think of him in relation to our loss. He is his own person, in his own right.

Explain to your friend that Iris means rainbow (beautiful, by the way) and that you're so sorry for the pain caused. But that's where your responsibility ends, unfortunately. You're a great friend and I'm sure you'll deal with it sensitively and excellently, but know you've done nothing wrong either. ♥️

Also I thought Rainbow baby was only used after a still birth but seemingly it is used after a miscarriage. Which let's face it is probably about a quarter of all babies so that would be a pretty large minority.

I personally wouldn’t use rainbow baby for an early miscarriage. My mum had a couple of miscarriages and they did mean I and a sibling wouldn’t be here, I’ve known that since I was quite young with no overtones of grief from her - I am not saying she doesn’t grieve, but as far as her children are concerned it’s just wasn’t meant to be l, because I got you instead! Which is exactly the right approach in my view. I would use a rainbow baby for a late miscarriage, but I wouldn’t emphasise that to the next child, they are their own person. I’m not policing anyone else’s use of the term as we all feel the loss of a baby differently, that’s just my take on it for me.