To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

This

‘As her theme’.
I can’t get on board with rainbows just being for babies after loss. Lots of people like rainbows and sadly I think your friend is being rather unfair. Is this ‘theme’ reserved for only a select group?

Isn't a rainbow just a symbol of hope, a brighter future.

No one owns hope.

Don't change a thing.

sorry, I meant I have been told on a few occasions that a dog has crossed the rainbow bridge. Slightly conflating the whole rainbow thing!

What has happened here is that your friend has been immersing herself in communities which offer support to people TTC after a loss. In that discourse she has become so used to using the expression “rainbow baby” as shorthand for a baby born after a loss that she’s lost perspective on the fact that this is not its universal meaning.

Starting by explaining that Iris means rainbow might help her understand that you have an equally legitimate reason to use it (not that one is needed).

I can see the value of using the phrase as an acronym in those environments but I think that it being applied to a real live child is problematic. Defining a child by reference to a lost child. That’s a bit unhealthy.

By the way, the Spanish word for rainbow is arcoíris, so the connection is obvious to Spanish speakers as well as Greek speakers.

Cross post @Vikinga !

Your friend is BU but I think grief is clouding her judgement. I would carry on as usual and tell her you won’t be offended if she unfollows you tbh.

As an aside I think unless you’ve told her you’ve never had a MC then she’s being quite rude. I had a very early MC when I was younger and never told anyone about it. It was early and unplanned but I still grieved and think about what could have been. I dislike the phrase rainbow baby but if anyone was to point out my DC wasn’t one as a cold hard fact, I’d have to ask “and how do you know that?!”

perhaps it is an age thing, but why would anyone 'advertise' they have miscarried? Some things are personal and not everyone wants to know such history about someone they don't know, or only know tangentially. Everyone seems to want to share their entire lives with the rest of the world these days...
I also have seen rainbow applied to children who are born with a view to 'helping' an older sibling suffering from 'x' disease...
However, miscarriage is a shit thing to happen, and I absolutely am sympathetic

That’s nuts. I have lost a baby, and my DD is my rainbow baby, but it’s certainly not for the exclusive use of these of us who have had a loss.

No one group owns the rainbow, that’s batshit crazy.

OP made a reference to the greek language, maybe she can now say that Iris is used in spanish to say rainbow as it sounds more accurate.

@Moithered "perhaps it is an age thing, but why would anyone 'advertise' they have miscarried? Some things are personal and not everyone wants to know such history about someone they don't know, or only know tangentially."

Why shouldn't people who have mc tell people what's happened? I had 6 MC, after the third one I began openly talking about it. Discovered lots of friends also had fertility problems and we were able to support each other. Also, when you're struggling with fertility and people don't know, you're constantly batting off well meaning but actually bloody insensitive comments like "so when are you having children?" "Clocks ticking you know!" "When are you going to make your mum a granny?" Etc. Why should I spend years politely saying "oh busy at work" "lots of time yet" etc to save the feelings of the nosey sod posing the question.

MC should not be a taboo subject to talk about.

However, also the term rainbow baby makes me cringe and rainbows aren't owned by anyone. Op should decorate her nursery however she likes.

Oh I have heard of this one before, I forgot that. Yes someone mentioned to me when I lost one of my cats that she went over the rainbow bridge

I thought, no, she had a heart attack in the living room

The whole term rainbow baby is really horrible and as others have said it makes them feel like they live in the shadow of a dead sibling. Even worse I think it implies that the new child only exists only because of the death of their sibling because if the first child had lived they might not have gone on to have the next one especially if the pregnancies were close together. so it’s quite disgusting a parent would give that label to their supposedly much wanted child all in the name of a fashion fad that probably won’t exist in 10 years. By then some other group will have started using rainbows. Parents can grieve a child without doing it in the context of labelling their next child.
yes adults definitely need to grow up. Nobody has the monopoly on any symbol

This is what a Rainbow means.

…if you’re Jewish/Christian/Muslim. To plenty of people, it’s just a pretty weather phenomenon. 😉

Hi @sittingnexttochoppysea , thank you for your cogent ( and obviously personal) reply. I don't think it shouldn't be discussed - of course it should. But in context. My point is that SM for some, is a sharing platform for everything from their corns to their new haircut.
Please don't think I am minimising the issue, and of course, I cannot ever fully understand how painful a mc is.

Does your friend display upset when those who have lost pets talk about them having "crossed the rainbow bridge", I wonder? If not (and many of us also use the rainbow emoji in SM posts when sharing our lost companions images, or memories of them), then she's being - as another poster said upthread - somewhat precious about the whole thing.

Yes, infertility is all-consuming to those experiencing it, but at what cost to those around them as they hope for their miracle babies? You've been left wondering if you need to redecorate your own child's nursary, if you ought to explain to her the meaning of your daughter's name... where will/does it end? With you wondering if you ought to rename your actual baby, lest her name (which is beautiful) offend said friend, or other friends/family in the future...?!

I've been where your friend is, re: miscarriage, followed by "second child infertility". My youngest is both a "rainbow baby" and a "surviving twin". I have friends who have lost babies, and friends who have no clue what infertility/miscarriage is like. Sadly, it's the way it's always been - but this term of "rainbow baby" (because rainbows always follow a storm... apparently) and the pretentious self absorbation amongst those waiting for them? This is new.

And new isn't always a good thing.

To be honest, @Notmushroomleft , if I were you, I think I'd be re-evaluating this friendship and wondering if it's worth the pain and stress it seems to be causing both of you, long-term. A rainbow symbolises hope - and what is more hopeful, for you, than your daughter? Your friend, sadly, is subsumed by her grief at the loss of her pregnancy and the desperation to replace the hope which she would have felt during it. Her situation is very sad, and I'm sure that most of us on this thread can either identify or sympathise (perhaps, like me, even both) with how she feels... but that doesn't give her the right to make you question and doubt yourself with regards to your home, your daughter, your life.

@bellac11 that made me lol! 🫢😆

Ridiculous. If we're going to split hairs, the rainbow also belongs to the LGBTQ movement.

Just because some people choose to perpetuate twee symbolism, doesn't mean the rest of the world has to forgo the rainbow.

She's understandably upset and sensitive but she's no right to dictate what you associate with your daughter, what theme her bedroom is or how you use emojis.

A rainbow is used as a symbol for so many different things, it isn't unique to pregnancy and infant loss. It's actual generally speaking a symbol of hope which translates to many different things for many people.

I would tell her that you understand her feelings and are sorry it's upset her but explain that you use the rainbow as it is a meaning behind your babies name, nothing more.

I hate the appropriation of something to mean one particular thing. Rainbows are there for us all and we can use the image however we choose.

The rainbow has been associated with Iris for far longer than it’s been associated with either Pride or the loss of a baby. Your friend is understandably sensitive but she doesn’t get to police how you use such a common image.

Another vote for the reply by @Astralis up thread, it's perfect.

I think her message is awful, I think she really does think you shouldn't have decorated with rainbows because you've never had a miscarriage.

Honestly I'd pretty much send her the post you've put here. She's upset as she's going through her own issues but the rainbow as a symbol has many representations and doesn't belong to any particular group of people. People may be assume she is a rainbow baby though so maybe only send pics to those you're very close to x

Hit the nail on the head.

I’ve had MC between all of mine. I’d never heard the word rainbow baby until coming on mumsnet and it’s not a term I would use. Your friend is quite frankly being ridiculous.

You’re basically writing “When the weather gets warm, out comes the pool! Cool. Prince. Spunk.”

Switch that jizz for a ☀️!