To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

I think this shows how may adults need to grow up.

This sums up why I hate the "rainbow baby" thing. It's the parents making the new child's identity all about a deceased sibling they will never meet. It's horrible.

Children are distinct individuals, humans in their own right. A child's identity shouldn't be as parent-centred as the "rainbow baby" thing is.

YANBU!

I've lost pregnancies and I've had successful pregnancies. I find the term 'rainbow baby' really quite odd and almost creepy; as if a successful pregnancy is a simply a sticking plaster to help recovery from a lost pregnancy or infant loss. It seems incredibly heavy handed to assign that role and responsibility to a new born baby! And to have it reinforced with every hashtag and emoji their parent posts on SM??

But that's just my opinion. 🤷🏻

I dont know why this thread has annoyed me so much this morning. I think its because its yet another example of a group or person or organisation that decide for themselves that a picture/phrase or whatever, means something in particular to them (they have every right to do that) but equally then dictate to others how that phrase/word/picture or whatever it is then needs to be used, or cant be used.

Thank god Im not on social media proper, I would probably give myself a stroke in minutes

Did another poster above talk about the need for adults to grow up, this is exactly it

And yet a whole thread of people answering in group think that 'you must stop using the emoji' without a thought between them that this is completely irrational.

You sound terribly precious to be honest. Maybe your life has been too "blessed" if you're so worked up about using rainbow memes. Most people are really not that interested in other people's babies - I would just tone everything right down. If you have to use something, you could always switch to flowers.

As so many people have said, the term 'rainbow baby' is actually very new and I'm not sure many people who are not at the baby stage or on Mumsnet or equivalent social media sites know what it means. Given some estimates out there, up to a third of all children are probably 'rainbow babies' - miscarrying is incredibly common, and I also apparently have a 'rainbow baby' (though he's 20 now).

I completely understand that not all miscarriages are the same and that an early one-off miscarriage is very different from recurrent loss, late traumatic loss or neonatal loss. So I'm sure if you're suffering and grieving you might not realise that most people have no idea what a 'rainbow baby' is.

Like many people on this thread, I find the whole idea a bit unsettling - that a new baby is somehow defined by what has happened before. Of course at the time of your pregnancy your previous loss is enormously significant to you, but it's nothing at all to do with your baby.

Oh my goodness so am I!!

I think my mum would roll her eye at the rainbow stuff.

i would reply something like

Thanks it took me ages.
I chose rainbow because her name is iris and that translates directly to rainbow 🌈 which is just perfect for her.
I don't think it's wierd to use a rainbow for a child and it doesn't mean she's gay either. It's just a rainbow 🌈

I'm sorry you have negative connotations with a rainbow but for most people who aren't interacting with Internet boards about miscarriage wouldn't think anything about it. infact, a rainbow is more mixed in with lgbt pride 🏳️‍🌈 🌈 symbols.

I've also found out from looking into emoji different meanings that a blue heart 💙 which I also use sometimes as my baby has blue eyes, means something like autism awareness or something like that. it doesn't mean she is autistic either, and you didn't pick up on that one because you weren't aware of how some people use it.

I didn't mean to cause offence and my Instagram is only for my friends and family, so I'm not worried about confusing anyone as I know all of my followers personally so I'm not worried about that.

She might not also know that moon emoji can mean you planted your seeds out on a full moon because you are into astro gardening but it doesn't mean that for everyone. for everyone else it means MOON 🌙 🌚 ✨ ♥ ❤ 💕 🌙 don't worry about it op, its a rainbow. nobody owns a rainbow. And if anyone did it would be pride.

Actually I would keep it simple. I don't have a theme for my baby i just like rainbows

My DD is a 'rainbow baby'.

Personally I hate the rainbow term when used in the context of a child born after baby loss and cringe when I see it. My DD is her own person, and could never replace her sister. But I do appreciate that may just be me and it brings comfort to a lot of people.

I can see why people would assume a 'rainbow baby' with the rainbow and blue heart emoji (the eye link is a bit tenuous?) but if it's what you want to do, you do you 🤷🏻‍♀️ If your friend is anything like me, when I lost my daughter, anything baby related is going to be difficult to see. Emojis aside, seeing pics popping up will be jarring. But that isn't your fault.

That would do. No baby needs a theme...

Meh. People who've lost babies don't own rainbows, just like people with dementia don't own sunflowers.

Your friend is being precious.

The whole thing, the labelling of children, the use of the emoji, the rules about who should and shouldn't use the emoji...how can any of this teenage silliness on SM possibly increase, or help alleviate, the pain of the loss of a child?
A tragedy like that transcends this petty nonsense, and I really can't buy that your use of a rainbow against some made up rules, is really making her feel worse. And if it is, her priorities are skewed.

This

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life."

This is what a Rainbow means.

Iris is a lovely name and if you want to dial up the Greek translation, then that's all you are doing.

Your friend is sad and most of us have been there but you can't shut down everyone else to suit your situation. That said, she's in her head space so hopefully she'll gave her baba soon enough and this will all be history.

You see I don't personally think you should stop using the rainbow emoji. No one owns it. No one.

Your friend is being ridiculous and I probably wouldn’t bother replying to such a stupid message!! Decorate however you like. Tbh I don’t think I’d put much effort into the friendship after that… I’d think it was ridiculous and tbh I don’t have time for such pettiness! Congrats & gorgeous name xo

Most people have never even heard the term ‘rainbow baby’ and the rainbow emoji means whatever you want it to mean. I understand that this is personal for your friend, but YANBU. There is a tendency on social media for groups of people to adopt emojis seemingly at random to mean certain things like this, which is fine, but that doesn’t mean they’re somehow the custodian of a secret code and their chosen meaning is sacrosanct.

If I use a rainbow in a social media post it’s usually because I’ve seen a rainbow.

Yup

Using the emoji is the only thing that is a bit odd as in the context of babies I’ve only seen it used for rainbow babies but with decorations etc Rainbow has many meanings so UANBU

Just wanted to say. If someone said to me their name was Iris my mind goes directly to rainbows so I think it's a reasonable association to have with her name.

Saying that, I'm a mega fan of the Percy Jackson series where the goddess Iris plays a part through Iris messages ( messages sent through rainbows) frequently, and shows up in person in a hilarious part of the sequal series 'heroes of olympus.'

I suppose that shows rainbows are associated with lots of things, and some people can look at the same thing and have different associations.

I wouldn't be upset by you posting rainbows, but as a parent who has had 5 miscarriages (and never called any of them a rainbow baby), I've also seen a LOT of rainbow baby posts in my time. Every single one of them was a lost child. Every time I see a rainbow baby post my heart automatically goes out to that mum. It's a Pavlov reaction that is instilled because of experiences that we have. And I'd never even heard of a rainbow baby until after my 3rd loss but when you are emotional and looking for support, you will find them, be it will forever be associated. A bit extreme, but imagine someone never knowing Christianity or the importance burning a bible because they want fire fuel , or some stranger having a picnic on your dad's grave. Neither of those are meant to be upsetting but to the people that have an emotional connection, they are, especially if the person is still grieving

Losing a baby doesn't give you the right to dictate anything to anyone. Frankly can't believe her audacity.

We love rainbows for my non rainbow baby. Tell her to worry about bigger things in life instead

This.