To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

Rainbows are pretty phenomena caused by light refraction through moisture. Your friend is being ridiculous. I’d gently tell her as such.

“You don't need to redecorate her room, but maybe stop with the rainbow emoji. It is very well known what that icon means and I agree with your friend it's insensitive.”

^Nope it isn’t well known at all. I know plenty of children who love rainbows. Why should a rainbow be strictly for rainbow babies? Ridiculous to suggest it.

Rainbows have many meanings. Personally I love the name Iris but always associate with the totally brilliant Goo Goo Dolls. I don't like the term rainbow baby because it does directly associate the baby with the lost baby. I lost my first child, as did another close friend. We both had our 2nd children at around the same time, and as they got older and learned about the first babies they both asked would you have still had me if the other baby had lived. How much more difficult is it going to be for a child labelled a rainbow baby to believe they are anything other than a 'replacement' for a lost child.

I don’t think you’re being sensitive she says the room is pretty but finds it weird you used rainbows and she finds it insensitive that you use the emoji too. Then goes on to say maybe you should use something else as her THEME!! I understand that to be the bedroom theme, can’t be anything else. So she is suggesting you change the room which I think is totally unreasonable.

If you believe she isn’t one of the people you’ve mentioned Iris means rainbow in Greek after the goddess Iris, then tell her. Something like by no means do I mean to insensitive I feel bad that you feel I am being (don’t apologise you’ve done nothing wrong), I don’t just use the 🌈 because it’s pretty it’s because her name literally means rainbow from the goddess Iris. If she looks it up she’ll find…
In Greek mythology, the goddess Iris delivered messages to the gods, traveling on rainbows to get from heaven to earth and back. Ancient Greeks would plant irises on the graves of their loved ones in hopes that the goddess Iris would help connect their souls to heaven.
Which I think is lovely, may even offer her some comfort.
She is being over sensitive and that’s understandable, but she shouldn’t put that on you. Yes it’s difficult seeing friends have babies when that’s all you want in the world and I pray that she gets that soon 🙏🏼 but she can’t make others feel bad for having something she doesn’t. I’ve been there and it will eat her up, everything she believes they are doing wrong. If someone has that one glass of wine, eats the wrong thing etc… it will all be going through her mind each time someone is pregnant or had a baby that she would do it differently. It did with me. Until one friend who did all the things I “believed” were wrong had massive compilations and almost lost her baby and almost died herself. Made me realise yes I’m having a difficult time but every baby is a blessing and I was happy for all 10+ babies that arrived before I finally had my own. And did a lot of babysitting lol.
Not once have I referred to or thought of my child as a rainbow baby even after a decade of trying, miscarriages, ectopics (including emergency surgery) IVF… If I see a rainbow these days, I associate it more with NHS.

Your friend is being unbelievably precious - to me a rainbow kid or a rainbow family is a LGBTQ family. ‘Rainbow Family’ is a common term for families with 2 mums or 2 dads.
no-one ‘owns’ a rainbow - not us gays, not the NHS, not even parents who have lost children…

‘“You don't need to redecorate her room, but maybe stop with the rainbow emoji. It is very well known what that icon means and I agree with your friend it's insensitive.”

You literally have rainbows in every gay friendly business and gay friendly or gay bar, cafe, club in my city. Do we need to take them all down now??

The friend is not a friend. Delete and block. If something so inoffensive offends her then she doesn't need to see it.

People are so over the top and politically correct these days over everything including things that are new creations. A rainbow is a rainbow to most. No need to claim it as anything else.

No it isn't. A rainbow existed long before it was commandeered by 'rainbow babies/dogs'
Who are you to say it shouldn't be used in any other context?

You literally have rainbows in every gay friendly business and gay friendly or gay bar, cafe, club in my city. Do we need to take them all down now??

Agree... Maybe that community is the official owner of the rainbow and they're offended of its use for births? How do we know which came first...

Whole thing is ridiculous. Like trying to copyright a colour like seriously.

'rainbow babies/dogs'

Oh my word what's a "rainbow dog"?? I think I've seen it all.

To be honest, no one in Greece uses the term Iris or Irida (as it would be the greek translation) to reference a rainbow.
Rainbow in greek is 'ouranio tokso (toxo)' which it would be literally translated as 'Sky bow' back in english.

Irida is normally used to refer to the flower or the center of the eye.

It would make more sense to put a flower emoji.

If the lost baby was a miscarriage, rather than a still birth or an infant death, is it even necessary to tell the subsequent child? Why put that on them?

@Notmushroomleft her message to you sounds perfectly reasonable and actually quite supportive about the nursery. It sounds lovely.

I think she’s just saying could you put a lid on this now - before you and Iris turn up wearing rainbow dresses with a rainbow pram and flags…… because every time you do that rainbow emoji it’s making her think of pregnancy loss and infertility.

I would use this as an opportunity to bond with your friend and discuss how she’s feeling.

I use the rainbow emoji sometimes when posting about my DD (15), because she's gay. She was the product of my very first pregnancy, so not a 'rainbow baby', so this, added to the fact I have a gay daughter means that my perspective is that I would always think 'gay pride' first rather than 'rainbow baby' when seeing that emoji. It clearly has different connotations for different people.

If it's upsetting your friend, I think it's fair enough to explain that your DD's name means 'rainbow', that you're really sorry if it offended her, but that it wasn't your intention. I would then ask her directly if she wants you to stop posting rainbow emojis in relation to your DD. I think it would be pretty strange if she said yes after you've explained it all to her, but if she did, then she's clearly telling you that it's really affecting her. It's then up to you to decide if you want to stop.

Personally, if I explained and then asked directly if she wanted me to stop and my friend said 'yes', then I think I probably would. Being able to post one specific emoji doesn't trump a friendship in my book. I would think she was being a bit precious, but I'd rather keep the friendship than the freedom to post rainbow emojis.

OP I quite often think of my beautiful DD as my rainbow baby even though strictly speaking she isn't, by society's definition, a rainbow baby. I had 4 MCs and one SB before I got my 2 wonderful babies and they're both my little rainbows and anyone who wants to be shitty about that can fuck off.

Long thread so I'm sure it's been said before, but I'd associate rainbows with Pride, though I do know the phrase 'rainbow baby' too. DD has a load of rainbow-covered gear and she knows rainbows are special for her mums/families with two mums.

Your friends being... I don't actually have a word to say she's being a nob in a nice way. You don't have to apologise for liking rainbows. Just tell her Iris means rainbow and hopefully she will stop being silly.

No one owns an emoji, they aren’t meant to reflect real life. I posted this 🤯the other day when I couldn’t get the Wordle. My brains had not actually exploded. Use it however you want.

Also this.

As a veteran of many miscarriages I also wince a bit when people declare they are having one. To be brutal, from the standpoint of having experienced late loss, it feels a bit presumptuous to believe you are out of the woods.

Well there you go. I thought sunflowers were secret code for hidden disabilities because that's what some people have adopted

Brilliant post!

Rainbow in used on social media symbolically so if I see it on someone's handle i presume LGBTQ and yes if i see it next to a baby's name i presume rainbow baby. Child's nursery decor, no. Just like if you see an aubergine on social media it means something yet you can still use aubergines to cook and illustrate cook/plant stuff.

Its her being grossly insensitive and you should tell her so. What a stupid woman. How DARE she try to mar your pleasure, and your child's, in the ancient meaning and symbolism of that beautiful classical name.

Next she'll be pretending Iris's bedroom decor/personal motif is turning her into a lesbian, or maybe a transman. Or is she hinting Iris will be a little gold digger? There's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. Or maybe Iris has a future career euthenasing pets , with a rainbow bridge over the door.

Do tell us the rude person's name so we can make up some very insensitive interpretations of it...

In Spanish rainbow is arco iris.

Just ignore her OP. It’s her issue. Enjoy your daughters new room 😁