To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

We shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells wondering if every single image or emoji has an underlying 2nd meaning that some group of people has claimed as their own. I certainly wouldn’t have known that it meant baby loss and now that I do I think it’s very crass to be forever associating a new baby with the death of their older sibling. Way to pile on the emotional baggage onto that child.

however likewise you are also being very annoying by always posting this on every post on instagram as if your daughter has some sort of elevated importance around rainbows.

yes rainbow means hope but it also means a whole lot of things to different people around the world in different cultures so your friend is being unreasonable to tell you to stop using it and to try and claim it for one particular meaning but your posts are probably coming across as though you are doing the same in a way for your daughter.

I would explain to her your reasons for using it and that you will try to use it less but that you won’t stop using it altogether because it means something to you as a family.

Rainbows used for Pride
NHS
A lovely of Zippy and George
No one group can possibly claim exclusive use. My eldest DD us 27 and her Room had rainbow wallpaper when she was young
Tbf I had not realised that Iris meant rainbow, its a lovely name in itself. I would hope an explanation would settle the matter tbh. There is little you can do to help her but if dialling down the emoji help then do that.

I’d never heard of the term, having had my kids over 20 years ago. People are entitled to call their longed for babies after losing a baby anything they like but that does not mean appropriating the phrase so they are offended if anyone else uses the term. The word rainbow has been in use for much longer than the last decade or so when someone decided that it would refer to a certain type of child. Your baby and her name sound lovely and she’s very lucky to have a loving thoughtful mum like you. Explain to your friend tactfully that she doesn’t own the term.

I though the rainbow thing originated in America when nurses out the symbol on cots (small sticker) to symbolise the mum might be having a complicated/difficult time because of a previous infant loss?

but gay pride adopted it in the seventies.

and every childrens bible used the symbol decades before that. I always associated it with Noah’s arc as a child.

the world has gone mad if people thing they can own a rainbow image!

however likewise you are also being very annoying by always posting this on every post on instagram as if your daughter has some sort of elevated importance around rainbows

😂
That’s some deep meaning you’ve taken from that.

Why on earth is it annoying?

IT…IS…A…RAINBOW.

Chill out

🌈

This.

A rainbow emoji next to a blue heart does mean that the baby has died so I would be thankful that she’s brought that to my attention if I didn’t know, else you’re going to get a lot of people thinking the same.

My DD has the most insane black eyes and I’ve never put a black heart because of her beautiful eyes and I don’t know anyone else who would do this either, so I don’t think you put a blue heart because of her eyes.

However, you should absolutely not change her room decor or name etc.
Rainbows also represent LGBT+ and the NHS so it’s ridiculous to keep it solely for babies that have died.
I love rainbows and think a room decorated with them would look lovely.

Keep the room.
Stop using the rainbow and blue heart emojis next to each other.

Perfect reply!

I was born after a stillbirth and have had a loss myself (lost my miracle before starting IVF after a decade of trying)... I HATE the rainbow baby thing, A new child should not be a living gravestone to a dead child.

I frankly think its far worse to do the rainbow thing TOO a 'rainbow' baby, as if they dont have an identity of their own they are just a replacement of the original loss and damn sure some parents will force them know and remember that.

A loss mam will always remember a lost baby, the new child is a seperate being and nothing to do with that.

I find the blue heart thing wierder, doesnt that tend to mean 'boy' and you have a daughter... not that I could be bothered to get upset over someone using an emoji lol.

Your friend is being ridiculous. She doesn’t own rainbows. Just block her then she won’t have the trauma of seeing a rainbow emoji that you haven’t ‘earned’. 🙄 I really couldn’t have someone that’s such a dick in my life , although I don’t really get the whole Instagram children’s bedroom photos online thing at all. Or most of Instagram. 😂

I think of dd as our miracle baby and very very special. She arrived 51 weeks after ds2 died having been born at 27 weeks and was my 5th pregnancy to reach the 2nd trimester. There were no rainbows 25 years ago and I only learnt of the term on Mumsnet.

I think it's wonderful that miscarriage has stopped being one of the final taboos and there is so much more support with the surge in fora.

@Notmushroomleft in your shoes I agree, I'd take down the emoji but I'd also arrange a coffee with your friend and let her talk. She is grieving not only about losing the baby but for her own lost experience of pg and being a new mummy to her own baby. One of the hardest things to deal with when losing a pregnancy, at whatever stage, is the awkwardness of others around and the general side stepping and topic avoidance which makes things so much harder. I really valued those dear friends who quietly let me know in advance of announcements but still recall forcing the thrill in my voice and congratulations for them whilst tears flowed at the same time.

It’s Pollyanna

The book about the child who hangs up prisms; Pollyanna.

Maybe add an explanation of her name to the post so everyone understands why rainbows are meaningful to you for your daughter. She's being oversensitive but if you can dial down the rainbows a little in front of her it would be a nice thing to do

Ok, I can see that

The whole 'rainbow baby' nonsense is so squirmingly twee I would probably distance myself from anyone who took it seriously. I have many friends who've suffered stillbirth or neonatal death, it's utterly appalling and as far as I know, none of them use this ick-making term. I mean, each to her own. But ...

Nobody has a monopoly on rainbows, they are a natural phenomenon. Nobody - gays, the NHS, bereaved parents, Ancient Greek Iris-worshipers or Old Testament readers - nobody. They've always been a handy symbol upon which to hang meaning - think of the rainbow after the Flood in the bible. I have to say I see them everywhere now and they're so ubiquitous that they've lost all modern meaning to me! If you think it's pretty, and cute to decorate your small child's room because of her name (that might backfire in a few years, she may get tired of it) then you go for it. Personally I wouldn't be using twee cutesy emoji after her name on social media but you do you. Sod everyone else.

My grandma was called Iris. I always thought it was a pretty name (and it made me think of the flower until I started classics at 16 and read Virgil!) and I'm glad to see it's coming back.

I don't think you are being unreasonable as you say, rainbows means lots of things but I can understand why your friend is upset.

If I saw someone on social media posting a picture of their new baby with a rainbow emoji then sorry but I would assume she was 'a rainbow baby' and feel some sympathy for you having had difficulties before, perhaps if I had had a miscarriage I would feel a surge of hope that maybe I could have a baby soon too. Its a bit like pretending you have a 'rainbow baby' and I think that might be why your friend is upset. I suspect most of your followers now think you have had a loss they didn't know about or talk about.

I don't like the term etc. But it's here now and has a very distinct meaning and I think by continuing to post rainbows with a new baby you are posing as someone whose had a rainbow baby (and I know it shouldn't be that way but it is)

Although I understand your friends feelings she is being over sensitive due to her situation. No one has the monopoly on a rainbow. As she is your friend and it is causing upset to her I would drop the rainbow in your posts. Not because it is wrong but because it is upsetting a friend who at present is having a hard time. You have done nothing wrong. You have every right to use a rainbow and a blue heart. You were not being insensitive at all it is just your friend is over sensitive at this time. Drop the rainbow and explain to your friend.

I'd never even heard the term rainbow baby before Mumsnet, I've miscarried and certainly not a term I heard used them. She's being overly precious about the term. Obviously it's difficult for her seeing your baby happy but rainbows are just weather phenomenon and available as a decoration theme for all (pride doesn't get the monopoly either)

How patronising and controlling

If it wasn't for mn I wouldn't have a clue what this particular meaning was.

I completely agree with what mam0918 posted.
I can't abide the Rainbow baby movement either, and technically I guess I have 2.
No child should carry the legacy of it's predecessor.

Don’t redecorate.
reply and explain why you’ve used them and the meaning of her name. I’d find it more weird if a friend decorated their rainbow babies room with rainbows as that kid will know one day and that’s a huge thing! I like that your DD doesn’t have a pink room automatically!
don’t delete all the previous posts, just don’t use the emoji going forward with a blue heart. Explain to your friend what you used it for and you won’t going forward. But her nursery sounds great!

Actually just realised I am one, if the definition is a baby after a miscarriage, that was me all those decades ago

How awful that Im a 'something' because of a loss of someone else

I completely reject it and disassociate from that.

Oh and that comes from someone with losses and infertility. I’m not a fan of the rainbow shit. But everyone’s different. Just like some people can never visit a baby again and others want cuddles etc with infertility. We’re all different