Having children isn't viewed as an achievement, the same way having a successful career is

[gagablacksheep]

Just wondering what people's thoughts are on this.

Having children is the hardest thing I've ever done, yet, I feel like, as the majority of people have children- it's nothing ' special ' that you get any kind of pat on the back for, in the same way you would - if, say you had a very successful career.

The kind of social standing that comes with being very successful career wise, just isn't the same, as being a mum. Most people can be ' a mum ', but most people can't have very successful careers.

Is it just me, or is being a mum just a bog standard thing, that seems a bit 'thankless' in the eyes of society ? Sorry if I've not explained my feeling and thoughts very well.

This.

Congratulations on doing what women everywhere have been doing since the dawn of time 👏👏👏👏

It’s not really clear whether you are talking about good parenting or just having kids.

Life is full of challenges. This is not news.

@Fleur405 sadly I think that many do approach parenting as a competitive sport 😁. OP, nobody can deny that effective and engaged parenting is hard work, but it’s mostly human instinct/common sense and generally just life. Are you honestly saying that doing homework with kids/sorting tea/getting kids to swimming lessons is in any way comparable to someone who has trained in a specialist area for years to get to a senior level within their profession?

Personally I find my children much more difficult, rewarding and worthwhile than my specialised professional career.

I am not sure many people get a pat on the back or any kind of social standing for their career. Maybe a top surgeon or something but for the best majority of people even with a very good career, they only way they get thanked is in their review or some other type of insincere token that their work is doing to make employees feel 'valued' so that they don't leave and cost the company more money. Most employees, even brilliant ones, are replaceable. Most parents, even mediocre ones, are not

I think as far as social standings go, mothers do have that. I didn’t get to have kids, and can tell you that some (not all) people really make me feel like I’ve failed in life because I didn’t procreate. And sadly, it’s mainly women, who make me feel like a lesser person.

Exactly.

You don't need to be thanked for living your life.

That’s. Nice, but I bet nobody bar you finds that of any interest tbh.

Yes.

Totally agree. I do have a relatively successful career but it’s a total breeze compared to being a mum and particularly navigating the challenges of doing it right when you have a child with additional needs (who probably won’t get accolades for their behaviour- because just about doing okay is scaling a mountain for them). On the plus side I think it’s made me realise that external praise played far too big a role in my sense of self. I know I’m being a fantastic mum to my autistic child - even when they have meltdown in public and I get stares. Twenty year old me just couldn’t imagine the personal growth to get to that point.

I feel like I am the only person on this thread who understands what you mean, OP, though I am not sure you have used the right words. I agree with you. Though it's too late to explain myself.:)

@DrinkFeckArseBrick you make an excellent point. For parents, it’s ultimately about the thanks and recognition that you get from the people who matter the most rather than wider society that counts. Although anyone who has raised a child with any kind of additional needs will know that often even that isn’t always forthcoming, it’s just part of what you sign up for when you become a parent- as I said in my earlier post, you never really know how things will turn out, in spite of doing your very best.

😄

I understand perfectly what OP meant
Raising children is not an achievement doing it well is very simple

People like to overcomplicated it but it's simple

Getting a decent career is none of that. And it benefits others. Not having children at all and having a career is benefiting a lot of people.

Having children and no career isn't much of an achievement outside of someone's own home and family.

I think the thanks (or kudos) is just less external, the thanks is basically just in your own little family bubble. If you have a partner hopefully you recognise and appreciate each others achievements at parenting and although my toddler has no comprehension of gratitude I know they feel safe, secure, loved, and go to bed clean with a full tummy after a day of fun and that gives me immense satisfaction.

Having children was a personal achievement for me. No fertility issues but there were some massive challenges to overcome to get to the point of having children. I don't really care how society views being a mum to having a career. For me, being a mum was everything.

This …we can all be dedicated parents but it is not a certainty that their lives will be ok .Peer group makes a huge difference as to how our child actually succeeds!

I do understand this OP.

Biologically it’s not an achievement perhaps, although people saying anyone can have a child are being rather thoughtless when that’s really not the case. I do see having DS as an achievement actually because we had a lot of problems on that road.

However I think the mental burden of it IS comparable to having a highly successful career - and I’ve done both! Some of the skills I have to use as a mother, while not being as “specialist” perhaps as those involved in my career, are definitely hard earned and do not come naturally to me. Being a mother has taken up way more brain space than my career ever did.

I know what you mean - I don’t think it’s always comparable to having a successful career but sometimes it does feel like you want some kind of validation for it. I think because motherhood can drown your identity and self worth in a way that a successful career would not. That sounds like I hate motherhood, I really don’t I love it, but it is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

I mean it’s like comparing apples and oranges though. Anyone can be a parent, although I understand not many can be a good parent. In comparison it’s much harder to be successful at your career as you’re probably competing with many other high qualified individuals etc.

You don't need to study, sit exams and have a qualification to have children last time I checked... I'd say the majority of 'successful' careers are based around this.

Procreation isn't based on someone/something else deeming you adequate.

Said from someone who has been 'qualified' in my career and moderately successful, however so far unsuccessful in achieving children. Would swap in a second if I could, because I know which would make me happiest.

Having a child definitely doesn’t only benefit you and lots of careers can be hugely detrimental to yourself and others. This way of thinking is all wrong to me.

I am pretty much at the top of my career and I very much doubt that it has benefited anyone. I don't think my DC have benefited anyone either. I don't think that was the OP's point.

I don't think raising children, especially those with chronic illnesses or SEN ( one of mine) is simple at all. Especially not in a pandemic, with climate change, a global recession and a very bleak future. But I am always surprised by the complacency of parents with young children who think that they have done a great job. You won't know that until they are grown up, and maybe not even then.

Also the OP clearly means raising rather than having; can we stop talking about sperms fertilising eggs.

Who does it benefit then? Because the world has more than enough people in it.