Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

984 replies

MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 15:58

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:01

What annoys me most is she's almost old enough to have a proper paid job and she says all the time how she can't wait to turn 16 and get a paid job as she wants more money, yet she doesn't do anything at home and expects handouts from me.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 11/06/2022 16:02

IMO - I think that’s harsh.

What did you need help with at home? What jobs needed doing?

Do you normally give your 15yo jobs to do round the house?

Original poster
MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:02

I'm posting by the way because I now feel guilty for cutting short her outing today. But to be fair she could have chosen to stay out later today and sacrifice tomorrow instead

OP posts:
Lizzieismagic · 11/06/2022 16:03

Yabu to assume your toddler and being ill figures in a teenager's life. You can't really demand help. My dd is 15 and equally as bloody awful.

Hunderland · 11/06/2022 16:03

Well you got your message across! If she is in just after 5 I'd take that as a win and wouldn't hold her to the lateness - one day's notice to tell her she couldn't go out isn't much.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 11/06/2022 16:03

No she is old enough to pull her weight. Set specific tasks that are to be her responsibility going forward And be clear that she does not go out until her jobs are done.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 11/06/2022 16:03

YABU.

You should have given her way more notice than that. It's not on to expect her to cancel her plans at the last minute just because you need help.

By all means ask - but either respect her saying she's busy or offer an alternative time you both agree on.

Antarcticant · 11/06/2022 16:04

Could you compromise - she helps in the morning and goes out in the afternoon?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some help when you are unwell. You all have to live in the house so it's in everyone's interest to pitch in with the housework.

STARCATCHER22 · 11/06/2022 16:05

Yeah you were incredibly harsh. She’s a child. It’s rubbish that you’re feeling so crappy but it’s not her job to take on the jobs that you can’t do currently. Why is DH not having to pick up the slack?

ScootsMcHoy · 11/06/2022 16:05

I think you should have told her exactly what you needed her to do and then she can decide when she's going to do it herself.

But I wouldn't expect a 15 year old to do a full day of household jobs in one weekend.

erikbloodaxe · 11/06/2022 16:05

Her poor attitude and lack of respect is down to your parenting for the past 15 years. Have a proper conversation with her.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2022 16:05

15yos should have standard weekly chores, by all means, but keeping her home for the day to do housework because you are ill isn't on.

Your husband is the stand in for you, not your other children. If you aren't well enough to look after the small children, then he stays home and drops the overtime as there is no one there to mind the little ones.

If you can't do any housework because you are ill, then he picks up the essentials when he is home from work. He and you literally took vows to this end.

Your 15yo should have responsibilities, but she is not the fall back for childcare and running of a house when your husband is on the scene.

Original poster
MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:05

@FlissyPaps

No, she does nothing. Nothing at all. She has no set jobs or expectations. I ask her now and again to do the dishwasher or take clean clothes upstairs from the dining room, for example. But otherwise she isn't expected to do anything. And she makes it clear every time I ask her for help that she just can't be arsed.

This week I'm majorly behind with stuff because I've felt so rough I've spent most of it on the sofa when youngest has allowed me, meaning I've got piles of washing everywhere, hoovering needs doing, bathrooms need cleaning ... etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:06

STARCATCHER22 · 11/06/2022 16:05

Yeah you were incredibly harsh. She’s a child. It’s rubbish that you’re feeling so crappy but it’s not her job to take on the jobs that you can’t do currently. Why is DH not having to pick up the slack?

He's on day 2 of 12 hour shifts of overtime.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:07

erikbloodaxe · 11/06/2022 16:05

Her poor attitude and lack of respect is down to your parenting for the past 15 years. Have a proper conversation with her.

Just my parenting? Her dad gets off Scot free then?

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:07

@STARCATCHER22

And he's also been up several times in the night with the toddler who was vomiting. As have I.

OP posts:
MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 11/06/2022 16:07

Why does she do nothing? Where does she get her money and lifts ??

A 15 year old hasn’t been delivered to your doorstep. You parent them!

Pancakeorcrepe · 11/06/2022 16:08

I think you’ve been quite mean. She is a teenager and meant to be out enjoying herself, especially now the pandemic is over. You are still her mum, don’t be those parents that make the older sibling help raise the younger kids and whatnot. She has her own life to live. If you want her to generally contribute more around the house then this should have been addressed in the longer term and not via these ultimatums. Is your husband her dad or stepdad?

TinaYouFatLard · 11/06/2022 16:08

Sounds harsh to me. It is not her responsibility to take care of you and your toddler. She’s nearly 16, cut her some slack - of course she want to be with her mates and boyfriend. It wasn’t her choice for you to have a baby when she was already a teen. You’ve made her feel guilty and apologise for being a normal teenager.

Aizizi · 11/06/2022 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/06/2022 16:09

Yes I think you were harsh sorry.

Apart from being ill, it sounds like your week was harder than it would have been otherwise because you're looking after a toddler which is knackering in itself even when you and toddler are well. This is nothing to do with your daughter and she isnt obligated to help out.

It's fine to give her chores and consequences for not doing them. It's not fine to expect her to help you for half of the weekend, with no notice and then get her to change her plans at the last minute, and if someone is doing you a favour (hours of chores counts as a favour rather than normal every day amount of work for a teen I think) you dont say 'well cancel your plans, I need your help', I'd have explained I was struggling and asked nicely, personally.

I think the backstory of her being lazy has (probably understandbly) clouded your judgement on this occasion

Ferrarilover · 11/06/2022 16:09

MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:05

@FlissyPaps

No, she does nothing. Nothing at all. She has no set jobs or expectations. I ask her now and again to do the dishwasher or take clean clothes upstairs from the dining room, for example. But otherwise she isn't expected to do anything. And she makes it clear every time I ask her for help that she just can't be arsed.

This week I'm majorly behind with stuff because I've felt so rough I've spent most of it on the sofa when youngest has allowed me, meaning I've got piles of washing everywhere, hoovering needs doing, bathrooms need cleaning ... etc.

The problem is that she's never been expected to do anything in the past.
I agree she needs to help out when you are unwell. I'm sure you do enough for her.

Mally100 · 11/06/2022 16:10

Yanbu, if she's old enough to have a boyfriend, go around with her friends and have a jolly good time she's old enough to contribute at home. She is selfish, so she needs a good wake up call about that. You are ill, she needs to help out.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2022 16:10

MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:07

Just my parenting? Her dad gets off Scot free then?

Show quote history

Well you are letting him get off scott free in supporting you.

Original poster
MumofTeen22 · 11/06/2022 16:10

Mally100 · 11/06/2022 16:10

Yanbu, if she's old enough to have a boyfriend, go around with her friends and have a jolly good time she's old enough to contribute at home. She is selfish, so she needs a good wake up call about that. You are ill, she needs to help out.

Exactly my thinking when I said it

OP posts: