Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

You are being incredibly unfair given you didn’t bother asking about her plans for the whole weekend. Not on to throw your toys out the pram and demand she stays in tomorrow to clean at the last minute.

like a pp said, your DH should be stepping up, not your daughter. If you think she should be doing more round the house on a regular basis then that’s a conversation you need to have but the way you’ve gone about it is all wrong

I think you were too harsh - sorry! She’s 15 - that’s not the age you expect much from them in terms of help. Maybe I’m too soft but my Dd is the same age & it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask her to stay in and help clean - the housework can wait.

Right but you can't go from her doing absolutely nothing at all to stopping her going out for the day to do housework.

Yes, she needs to pull her weight on a day to day basis. None of us can be arsed to empty the dishwasher or take clothes upstairs! Nobody likes doing it. But it's your job to make her understand that you aren't the default dishwasher-empty-er.

They are two separate issues I think. She can't be expected to be doing
all of this stuff if she hasn't ever done it either!

I think she should have set weekly chores to do before allowed to go out e.g keep room tidy, dishwasher etc. but announcing you need her at home to help with housework last minute seems a little unfair.
Get you have been ill though and would have liked daughter to pull her weight a bit more at her age.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I don't live with her dad and haven't since she was 2 years old so i have no control over his behaviour or parenting

So he shouldn’t be at work passing on the stomach bug he clearly has…

She needs set chores to earn any money you give her, when I was growing up my siblings and I did the washing up etc for our pocket money, but saying that it's still not a child's job to stand in for her mother when she's ill!

Why are you cleaning with a sickness bug? That's gross. Good way to spread it around!

How is my DH not "stepping up" when he is working relentless back to back over time shifts to support us all??

Funnily enough I text DH after to tell him and see what he thought and whether I was harsh. He said not, but then offered (after his shift) to collect her from wherever she is with her boyfriend tomorrow as Sunday buses are unreliable, so long as she helps out this afternoon.

She's not even his child.

I think he's "stepping up" enough

Ah. I see. OK, so you make her do what her step dad should be doing?

Does your husband do anything to help round the house?

If a 15yo isn’t normally expected to do these jobs - it’s obvious they would rather go out with friends/boyfriends than doing housework.

Im sorry you’ve been ill - but it isn’t the end of the world if housework doesn’t get done. I would ask your DD kindly to help with a few tasks (and don’t threaten that she’s not aloud out) or ask DH.

Do you give her money? I honestly wouldn’t give her ANY money, or pay her phone or give her lifts if she doesn’t participate in the smooth running of her home.

She doesn’t have to literally sleep in the fireplace & bring you & her stepsisters tea in the morning before feeding the hens, but you can create a basic list of responsibilities that must be completed before her pocket money or phone payment is made.

Clearing up after dinner, cleaning her bedroom/changing her sheets, teach her to help with meal planning & maybe show her how to cook her favourite dinner once a week, vacuum or sweep downstairs once a week etc, ring grandparents.

How does she get her pocket money? We use GoHenry & the kids get a base rate they can top up with home responsibilities. In your case I’d not have the base rate but just use tasks to help her reach the desired level.

I mean you individually not why are you cleaning.

@STARCATCHER22

He hasn't got the bug. And we need the money. If he had symptoms of course he wouldn't have gone

Mixed feelings here op. Initially I thought you were being very harsh but against the backdrop of her doing nothing. Not even putting away her own clean clothes I can see why you are cross. Not sure why the housework can't wait a bit. But mine were always expected to put their stuff in the dishwasher, put their clothes away, empty the dishwasher from time to time, and the rule in this house is to leave a bog pristine behind you and wipe the basin, bath, shower after use. Both mine were happy to learn to potter in the kitchen. They always had a free rein because they were working very hard for exams.

Come to think of it OP, isn't your dd in the midst of GCSE's. If so what is she doing out on the razz at all this w/e? Ill or not last week she deserved some slack during exams. If she finished on Friday they she shoukd be allowed to unwind with her chums and bf.

You set your teen some daily and weekly chores.

And actually the expectation is set that the chores are done as part of their age appropriate contribution to the household, not in exchange for lifts and money… .

However, if they’re not done - “can I have a lift?” “No” “can I have some cash?” “No”.

A selfish, lazy, unhelpful, entitled 15 year old hasn’t appeared out of nowhere, her parents (you and your DH) have enabled it.

Bit in answer to your OP, were you harsh? Nope. About time.

Wtf. How odd. Cleaning when 2 members of the household have a sickness bug is "gross"? Surely it's more "gross" to not clean when surfaces could be contaminated with our germs??

@MumofTeen22 I meant why are you cleaning the kitchen and cooking food etc that is disgusting

Maybe it's better she spends more time outside of the house so she is less likely to catch it?

@MumofTeen22 and you said you need your kid to clean the bathroom. Hopefully not your or her brothers vomit though..

How is my DH not "stepping up" when he is working relentless back to back over time shifts to support us all??

Single people who work relentless shifts still have to do their housework.

Sorry OP, but a grown adult working overtime is no excuse to not help out with housework. Don’t put all this on your child who I’m assuming has also been sitting GCSEs recently?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Her step dad does enough for this family already as per my previous posts. He works very long shifts which she benefits from, he offers her lifts before and after his shifts , he often cooks meals after his shifts, he does night wakings with the little one etc etc.

This has got absolutely nothing to do with DH and everything to do with a lazy selfish teenager who expects cash handouts and lifts all the time yet rolls her eyes at being asked to unload a dishwasher.

I think it's pretty normal for most teens to not want to help round the house, it's hard to see any real benefit when you're 15 and if she's never had regular jobs I can see why it's an issue. It was also unfair to lose your rag with her because she had plans that you hadn't asked about. She's not a mind reader, she wasn't to know that you had it in your mind she'd be home tomorrow and therefore around to help.

If I were you I'd have a some sort of apology ready for getting angry but then explain you need her help this week in particular and from now on there will be weekly chores. These will help prepare her for university and living independently in the future as well as earning some of the money/help she gets from you each month.

I also don't think your DH should be doing nothing this week, I regularly work long hours and still have to do the bare minimum during those weeks even if it just loading/unloading the dishwasher and putting a load of washing on and dealing with it. There's many tasks that aren't very labour intensive but just require occasion input compared to say cleaning the bathroom or kitchen that takes more effort/time. Maybe even let standards slip this week and catch up once you're feeling better and have a teen doing regular chores.

All I can say is I'm glad my mum didn't expect me to come home to a house full of vomit and laundry