Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I'm usually quite pro tough love with teens but this case just feels like you're taking out your general frustration at her at a moment when she's not actually doing anything wrong. I was expecting you to say she was demanding lifts this weekend or something but she's not. You didn't ask her to help this weekend, so yes it's harsh to suddenly announce she needs to cancel her plans. I think you need to tackle her general reluctance to do anything around the house, she's not done anything wrong in this instance.

A child?? A child who has a boyfriend and probably having sex but too young to help out at home. Oh Please 🙄

I’m confused why you need a teenager to help with housework when your husband does a lot?

It’s not her job to clean the house and look after you and your toddler, that’s your husband’s job. If he’s working long hours then the cleaning has to get done another time, she’s not a stand in wife or parent.

YANBU though to expect her to do some chores.

yanbu I to expect her to help a bit when you're ill. Yabu to spring it on her Saturday afternoon she can't go out Sunday when she's already made plans.

i also agree yabu to allow her to do nothing normally then suddenly expect her to stay home all day doing chores

Some of the people on here are deranged 😂 you have NOT been harsh at all. I’d do the same, everyone has to pull their weight anyway but even more so when you’re sick. No pocket money unless she does a selection of chores each week would be my solution!

@MumofTeen22 im merely telling you something you don't like the sound of. You've been awful to your child. You should apologise but clearly that's not going to happen.

Hope you feel better soon 🙃

. I was expecting you to say she was demanding lifts this weekend or something but she's not.

Oh she will - that will be tomorrow no doubt. Hence why DH has pre empted it and said he will offer!

@MumofTeen22 It was aimed at both of you

This comment is horrific, what an awful person you are

Chores is what I am expecting

Sounds mean as hell to me

Not sure why you’re sexualising the OP’s daughter in this way. What a really weird and uncomfortable thing to comment…

A 15 year old is a child. That’s a fact.

What planet are some of these people on ! There kids out there who care for there parents full time ! All your asking for is some help while your Ill ! It would be nice if she offered but she is a teenager so I guess that would be to much to ask. Anyway I’m not reading anymore it’s making my blood pressure rise 😡

She's not a parent she's a kid, bless her

Op if your child is selfish then as a parent it is your job to reign this in and that's what you are doing. She's seen you sick enough to be barely standing and this doesn't phase her? That's not selfish, that's terribly self absorbed. She needs to get home and help out.

Why do people keep referring to her as a child? She’s old enough to have sex, almost old enough to work full time, old enough to go out alone hours away from the house. Honestly just stop this is exactly the kind of shit that creates entitled, spoilt difficult to deal with adults.

You were not too harsh at all, it’s ridiculous to think that she shouldn’t have any responsibilities.

I think YABU. But I find it really funny that someone else thinks it's more hygienic to leave the cleaning than to not clean at all 😅 surely that's what surface spray is for??

I never would have watched my mum suffer on like that at 15/16 years old and not helped her out

Selfish and entitled attitude imo

Expecting her to do some routine chores is not unreasonable in the slightest.

I do think how you acted today was harsh.

@aSofaNearYou

I take your point that my response to her today may have been a culmination of the stress over time of her doing nothing, which I should have come down harder on, I agree.

It was just the phone call when she started to whine about how unfair it all was whilst I'm juggling dirty washing (hers), a clingy unwell toddler, and feeling crap myself.... I just couldn't listen to that.

In a few months* thought she was already 16. None the less, she has a boyfriend!! So clearly, she knows full well she isn’t a kid anymore

I wouldn't have stood by and watched my mum struggle like this at her age either

You are making a battleground of this when it doesn’t need to be.

You were unreasonable though I see you won’t accept that.

She needs telling what the boundaries are. She is a teenager but she is also a child and she’s not got a fully developed frontal lobe yet- she will be a bit egocentric and rubbish at planning.

As her parent you need to give her the rules to operate by- you need to talk to her! Agree together a new plan, what’s reasonable in terms of chores, the consequences and rewards.

She is a 15 year old having a nice time with her friends and boyfriend and just being a kid and you have projected your frustrations and anger with your own situation onto her.

Both of these comments are very strange and wrong and why on earth are your bringing sex into it !