Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

If you don’t enforce ‘chores’ when you are well and give her money and lifts for nothing what makes you think she’s going to bother now? You have created this expectation that she gets to go where she wants when she wants and doesn’t have to lift a finger, yet wondering why when you’re Ill she’ll not help. She’s not your nanny or skivvy but her chores should be set and done before she goes out or gets lifts/money even if it’s just helping with the dishes, hoovering and making sure her room is clean and tidy.

I also say this as a mother of 4 - 2 teens one adult you need to be consistent and being naggy now you’re Ill and desperate is a bit late. It’s frustrating I know, I hope you feel better but your daughter does need to learn a bit of responsibility and that if she expects you to run around after her she needs to do her jobs first.

You are being extremely defensive; please listen to what people are saying.

yes you are sick and you’ve had an awful week. No, that doesn’t mean you get to go from 0 to 100 with your daughter who has never been made to do any chores, and suddenly has to drop her plans to come home and pick up quite a lot of slack.

at 15 she should be doing a few set tasks. Eg dishwasher and maybe occasional hoovering or whatever. That’s your fault if you haven’t made her. You can’t just suddenly expect her to do a lot of stuff.

also, she’s a teenager. Teenagers are selfish and self-involved and that’s how they are. As an adult you might think it’s unfair that you’re sick and she’s not automatically helping, but as a teenager she doesn’t think that way and it’s not reasonable to expect her to. She’s not your husband she’s your child.

You were completely unreasonable. Even if she isn't contributing in the week, it's totally unfair to tell her by text she can't have weekend plans and with that short notice.

I'd have a different view if you'd said to her during the week that she must help with X, Y, Z before going out with friends on Saturday or seeing boyfriend on Sunday. If she'd ignored you and then gone off out then of course punish her and have her stay in the next day but you can't just spring it on her during the day while she's out with friends. Imagine she or your husband had called you up saying get home right now to do the housework- I'm not sure you'd have appreciated it!

You were tactless in your communication and need to find a better way to explain what you need her to do every week in order to help you and to earn her time out at weekends. Apologise to her on this occasion for cutting her socialising short and explain it's because you're fed up of her not helping. As a family (when DH gets home) sit down and plan what she will do each week before her social weekend time will be allowed.

In general, she needs to have a list of jobs to be completed before she gets any money from you. I think it's a bit harsh to expect her to cancel her arrangements for tomorrow, though and I would not expect her to babysit a sibling.

Yes, she gets her phone contract paid each month (by me) and she gets around £50-60 cash each month, for doing nothing at all, pretty much. Lifts as and when she asks (usually given by DH).

I honestly didn't think a bit of help when I really need it was too much to ask in return for the cash I give her weekend after weekend, but apparently it is 🤷‍♀️

I don't think your teen should have to stay in doing jobs.

What would you do if you didn't have a teen? Would you struggle through, would your husband turn down the overtime? Whatever you would do you should do that.

Your teen is already trying to be self sufficient getting public transport when she is used to being ran around.

I think her help should be "can you fetch me a cup of squash" or walk down the shop for milk not stay in all day cleaning.

So you have piles of washing and dirty bathrooms. So does everyone if they have been ill with tummy bugs. Ban visitors until your family are well and you and your husband have caught up in the house.

I think YABU for just springing that on her but YANBU to expect she contributes to a certain extent - not the kind of thing to resolve via phone.

You need to speak with DH and DD about what reasonable contribution to housework is whether that she does the vacuuming weekly etc. Also not sure what you do about money but I'd set it at fixed amount (contingent on housework completed) and tell her she needs to bu

Budget*

Does your husband do anything to help round the house?

Yes, see my previous posts.

He's home less than I am due to his long shifts and the nature of his job, plus I only work PT, he's FT. But when he's home yes he does a lot.

This has got absolutely nothing to do with DH and everything to do with a lazy selfish teenager who expects cash handouts and lifts all the time yet rolls her eyes at being asked to unload a dishwasher

But this is not the way to go about it. Her low level taking the piss over the years is making you respond with an OTT demand way beyond what her remit is in the house.

Tackle the actual problem - her day to day laziness. This is not a fix for that. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that your OTT reaction regarding tomorrow is a direct result of letting her walk all over you for the last X years. It's not a solution.

YANBU if she's happy to hold her hand out for money off you she' should be happy to give you some support when you're unwell.
Your ultimatum obviously worked since she's apologised and is on her way home

Why am I cooking food for my toddler? Because she would starve if I didn't?

I think you were harsh

It's not the end of the world if a bit of hovering doesn't get done when you're ill

Oh ffs are you for real?!

Of course not!! I've just about kept on top of the stuff that desperately needed doing.

I meant things like hoovering, washing, etc

And the bathroom shower is full of DD's hair matted in the plug!! So she can clean that herself surely? Or am I still the wicked witch of the west for suggesting she cleans her own hair out of the shower?

Bit harsh I think.
If she's used to doing bugger all in the house she wouldn't necessarily think she's got to step up to help, teenagers are the centre of their own universes and she's not a mind reader.
Having said that being ill with a toddler sucks hope you feel better soon.

No GCSEs til next year

Wow I know how horrible having a lazy teenager can be but I'd never expect mine to stay in and help with general chores etc rather than being out with their mates. Genuinely I think you're being far too harsh. In an ideal world they'd want to look after you but it's not really fair to force it

Harsh, by all means get her to help out more during the week and when she is in at the weekend but I wouldn't actually stop her going somewhere to come back and help clean the house.

No your definitely not being unreasonable. I can’t believe the replies you’ve had on here ! Why can’t she stay at home for a day and look after her sick mum and help with the toddler and housework? Course she should ! I feel bad for you ☹️

She is not being asked to babysit

@MumofTeen22 I am being real.

It's a shame that your husband had decided to work so much that you need your older child to parent or clean for you . He needs to step up.

I'm sorry you have been ill, it sounds dreadful.

1. She should be helping out, she should know what her particular chores are to do so she knows what is expected, when she needs to do it and can make plans around her responsibilities. If that has not been clear yet, you need to make it clear, but pick your battles and the things that are actually important to you.

2. It is not her responsibility to cover your chores when ill, it is your husband's. It is also not her fault you decided to have a small child that takes more energy. It is your husband's responsibility. Having said that, she is part of a family and needs to understand that when someone is ill you all need to pull together to get through it. Not because it is her responsibility, but because you are family and that's what people who love each other do.

3. It is very harsh to spring all of the above on her at a few hours notice when it was not made clear before. You are basically grounding her because you are ill. That is unfair.

4. The housework can wait, nobody will die from a lack of clean laundry or a bit if chaos, so it is all good.

I hope you feel better soon.

@MumofTeen22 you sound absolutely delightful

Ditto.

Now get off my thread as you've contributed absolutely nothing of value.