Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Any eye rolling etc just ignore,don't fight fire with fire.

@MRex

I didn't shout for a start. I was stern.

And I didn't do this because I had an extra child or because I'm unwell. I did it because I am constantly bending over backwards to make her life better and nicer - cash for this that and the other, lifts, holidays, etc. and all I ask for in return is a little bit of help.

I need it more than ever this weekend due to having been so ill all week and DH working overtime (to support us all, her included).

And she had to start telling me all over again how "unfair" it is.

That's why I reacted like that. I'm not asking for much from hwr.

I really don’t think even one whole day of cleaning is the ‘middle ground,’ considering she’s done nothing and had everything for so many years already

You are not unreasonable to expect her to help out in the house generally, don't do her dirty washing and let her deal with the consequences of that. You are unreasonable in the way you've handled it today, you didn't make it clear to her that you expected her to be around on at least one weekend day to help out and I can see why she's put out that you're telling her to cancel arrangements she's made at short notice. You need to have a conversation when you're calm and not distracted by the toddler about your expectations around chores etc in the future.

Agree! I’m literally amazed at the replies on this thread. At 15 my mum didn’t expect me to do many chores, but if she or my dad were ill or it was necessary of course I would be expected to help out - they both worked and as a teenager I was not expected to have a social life like an adult does!

At 15 I would pitch in to help clean the house if guests were coming, I would be expected to look after my siblings if necessary (at 15 for example I took several young siblings on my own on a 4hr train journey from the north to London and across London changing trains). I was expected to step up a bit if my parents or someone else in the family was unwell. They certainly didn’t expect me to be working in the house, but they also didn’t expect that I should do nothing at all. And that was only in the 1990s, not the 1960s!

15 is not a kid, and should be helping out and taking a bit of responsibility. But equally a 15 year old living at home, as part of a family, is not an adult living on their own with nothing to prioritise but their own social life. They need to be pulling their weight at home by at least stepping up to give a bit of help if their mum is ill, either helping out with housework OR helping look after the toddler sibling. Just out of being a decent person on the way to adulthood.

I can’t quite believe so many people on this thread seem to think teenagers should be owed a full social life that must not in any way be disturbed by being asked to help out an ill parent? WTF. No wonder teenagers are so entitled and when they get to university and the workplace they feel so enraged about doing anything for themselves!

Your husband should be helping you not a teenager.

Tomorrow is on the table anyway so long as she's home by 5pm and helps out with some jobs when she gets here. That's it. That's all she has to do. I gave the option - today at 5pm latest or tomorrow. She chose today at 5pm. I'm awaiting her arrival as we speak.

I think you were harsh. Fgs , who cares if housework has fallen behind a bit.

YANBU at all. I’ve done similar this week with my teenagers.

PP saying your parenting has produced a bad attitude in your daughter- they just don’t understand adolescence! It’s a normal part of the whole thing.

We can't afford for his overtime to be cancelled.

Well who else’s fault is it? Teenagers are naturally selfish and lazy, OP has allowed her to get away with doing next to nothing around the house for years and is now complaining about the result and expecting her to completely change overnight because she’s ill.

Most saying YABU are saying it because of the OP's method not the idea OP's child shouldn't at least help a little. Of course most teens have chores but the OP clearly hasn't implemented that in their lives so far.

The OP was wrong to take out her current frustrations on her teen and demand she comes home now and that if she's late all plans are off for tomorrow. Imagine if someone talked to you like that? It's not exactly respectful, you want them to behave like the almost adult they are but won't treat them like it. The OP is not wrong to expect the teen to help out and do chores but what happened today was wrong.

As I said before, apologise for your actions today, explain you're unwell and stressed and need her help today and that going forward there will be chores.

Yes, I think you were too harsh. Sorry you haven't been feeling well but housework can wait, it's not the end of the world if the washing waits another day.
Unfortunately it sounds like you've made a rod for your back, so to speak, but not giving her set chores to do on a weekly basis and then expecting her to give up her weekend plans to help out.

Not surprised MN is full of entitled lazy teens if posters never expect them to do anything in the house.

my DC have chores, fill and empty the dishwasher, clean kitchen, clean their bathroom that they use, mop floors, change cat litter, change bins. Those chores are split between two teens and they are responsible for their own laundry. I don’t touch it.

perhaps it’s time you sat down and had clear list of chores for your older child now. Everyone who lives in the house should be pulling their weight including your almost sixteen year old.

First world problems, ‘oh my mum is making stay home to help out for the first time in 15 years’ 🙄

Any one who thinks that OP is unfair, needs to seriously rethink things. We live in an entitled culture and saying that 15 year olds shouldn’t help out is just breading that mentality in the next generation

Why isn't she emptying/loading the dishwasher ever day?

Honestly?

Because the battle I have to have with her for the smallest of help at home is genuinely more exhausting than if I just did the job myself.

So I just do it myself.

The reason people are saying you're too harsh is because you just dropped it on her last minute, with no regard for her plans or her feelings.

If you need help, by all means ask, but at least be considerate towards her and what she has planned with her boyfriend/friends first.

Your Not well so you need to leave the non essential jobs until your better rather getting your daughter to do them. So surely the jobs are getting everyone fed and making sure everyone has clean clothes for school and work Monday. Everything else can wait . No one will care if the bathrooms a bit messy, let your teen go out and enjoy herself.

😴

Sorry you’ve been so unwell. I think maybe it’s time to sit down with her and come up with a plan regarding her spending money and what she does around the house. My idea would be to implement some regular chores for her to do and once those are completed each month she gets the extra spending money.

FWIW I think she should do chores as a matter of course because she’s part of the family, but you could take the angle with her that if she’s so keen to earn her own money from 16 this is a good way to start practicing.

If you’ve not really given her strong boundaries before and have given in a lot this might explain a bit about her empathy bypass. You can’t make her care per se if you’re ill but you can start setting boundaries to encourage her to contribute to family life.

Well done, and it's high time.

She needs to understand that co-operation works both ways. She's at the threshold of adulthood and needs to EARN her independence and freedom by demonstrating she has enough sense and responsibility to handle it.

@redhoodred1 but you could say she's almost old enough do anything though ...? ( although I still find it completely weird to bring sex into it) Almost old enough to work.. smoke.. go to war blah blah blah. It still stands that as of now she is 15 and getting the bus into town to see her mates. Sounds like a completely typical kid of that age to me.

I care because it's my home and I live here.

Harsh is the only way to get through to some 15 year olds. I was exactly the same, so selfish and self absorbed. Home was for getting changed and sleeping. It is all about friends at that age. She will grow out of it and be a lovely daughter in a few years.

I think you did the right thing, children are so mollycoddled now. A dose of reality is what they need.

Hope you feel better soon.

These discussions always are an eye opener for me. Because of cultural and legal differences.
You can't enforce it below a certain age of course, but is part of bringing up children: "Civil Code (BGB) Section 1619 Home and business services
As long as the child belongs to the parental household and is brought up or maintained by the parents, it is obliged to render services to the parents in their household and business in a manner appropriate to their strength and position in life."

So pulling your weight is expected.