Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

You know your username?

Well, I'm telling you...

@Nanny0gg 🤣

The point is you've made assumptions and conjecture over times when you may have been wonderful. That doesn't mean your dd will view those with more fondness that no the negativity of the weekend situation and your appalling conduct longer term.
You don't know and nor do.
You're making big fat assumptions...

🤣🤣

Except I absolutely DO know that my DD has fond memories of these experiences because she talks about them and expresses her feelings about them.

Oops. Looks like you ASSUMED I haven't heard my DD's recollection of these numerous happy times and her positive feelings about them.

Hmmm. What was that about assuming and ASS, again?

😁

And you're not?!! You've decided that OP's messed it up but you have no idea either!

Shall I find a meme for pot, kettle, black? 🙄

"Appalling conduct longer term"

Not enough LOLs in the world for this one.

🤣

@ChoiceMummy

Oh. I forgot to say. You're also ASSUMING I haven't read multiple, numerous letters, cards and little notes left in my handbag or coat pockets over the years from her, reading things such as: "you're the best mum in the world, have a lovely day xx" or "Thank you for everything mum, love you"

And you're also ASSUMING I don't see the many Facebook posts and photos of the two of us she tags us both in, captioned "me and my best friend, love you mum".

I could go on.

The point being - you know fuck all about me, my life or my relationship with my daughter beyond one small snapshot posted online which captures one moment of frustration, on one day... ONE day out of approximately 5,800 days that my daughter has been in my life.

Probably for the best you don't continue to make more assumptions, isn't it. You're just looking a bit daft now, if I'm honest.

Wow. People are really desperate now in their attempts to discredit me, aren't they! Even searching for specific memes to go with their shitty posts. Tragic 🤣

Honestly, don't rise to it, OP. You don't need to explain or justify to a poster who is clearly trying to bait you – see my comment above about gleefulness! There'll be someone else along soon to pile in, because once they know you'll react they'll keep poking.

@Youaremysunshine14

I know. It's pathetic (on their part) ... and if I'm honest, it's more a source of amusement to me at this point that almost 1k posts later, they are still going 🤣

Thanks for your support, you've been awesome!

You're welcome! I can't abhor pile-ons for the sake of it. It was obvious from your original post that you came on MN regretting snapping at your DD and while some posters did offer constructive advice that you took on board, others just went for the jugular in the most vicious way and I'm not surprised you reacted. I'd have done the same.

It matters not if you were Mother Teresa for the 16 years before. It only takes one incident that can change the balance!
And tbh, you seem to be really showing why you were such a wonderful mother before this weekend...
Halos slip.
You make mistakes.
Doesn't mean that those mistakes won't live in on your child's memory.
Regardless of how many little notes she wrote you when she was younger... She's now older and realised that you can behave in that fashion towards her...

Give it a rest! Why are you being so awful telling OP she's a bad mother over and over? What makes you the Queen of Sodding Parenting?!

Give it a rest! Why are you being so awful telling OP she's a bad mother over and over? What makes you the Queen of Sodding Parenting?!*

This. REPEATEDLY.

😁

I don’t think there is a parent on the planet who hasn’t made a mistake or two, whilst bringing up their kids - I KNOW I made mistakes - but I also know my sons love me, and those mistakes haven’t outweighed the things I did right.

Mistakes are often how we learn - and I think @MumofTeen22 has listened to the advice on here and will see what works for her and her dd in the future.

As I said in my first post, the brain rewires during adolescence, and during this process they can lose abilities such as empathy (realising your poorly mum might need a bit of help round the house), impulse and temper control, sense of proportion and being able to see yourself as not being the centre of the universe. But these do come back - and in the meantime there are books I’ve seen recommended on here about how to talk so teens will listen - I can’t remember the titles now, I’m afraid.

I am firmly in the teens need chores camp - how else are they going to learn the skills to change ok, clean and do laundry when they leave home? These are life skills - but I wouldn’t expect many teens to be grateful for the lessons at the time! That might be a miracle.

I don’t think there is a parent on the planet who hasn’t made a mistake or two, whilst bringing up their kids - I KNOW I made mistakes - but I also know my sons love me, and those mistakes haven’t outweighed the things I did right.

Exactly this, a million times!

"Choice mummy" is clearly "perfect mummy" who has never messed up even once?! 🙄

Load of old bollocks.

And tbh, you seem to be really showing why were such a wonderful mother before this weekend...

No. My daughter still gives me cards with lovely heartfelt notes, and still sends me lovely texts at times, and still tags me on her social media accounts saying "me and my best friend, love you mum" etc.

I'm sorry if this fact offends you. (How odd.)

But my daughter clearly has had enough of the "good enough" parenting that is so often cited throughout the attachment based psychology literature to ensure that she is well rounded and attached and knows she is loved.

Now: my patience is really thin with you, so realise you are in minority here (several other posters are telling you to give it a rest, not just me), and go and find your online kicks elsewhere.

I don’t think I would have chosen Mother Theresa as a mum in any event 😂

And she'll get over it! Wtf is wrong with you? I rowed with my mum. I miss her all the time (she died years sgo). I rowed quite a lot with my kids and we're pretty close today.
What are you trying to do here?

🤣

This thread is bonkers.

FWIW, I rowed like crazy with my mum as a teen cos life was sooooo unfair and we have a great relationship once I grew out of being a brat!

How to talk so teens will listen and how to listen so teens will talk.

Divas and Doorslammers.

Get out of my life - but first take me and Alex into town.

These are the books I was talking about in last night's post - hopefully they will help anyone deep in the teenage years!

They do come out the other side - I couldn't be prouder of my boys now. I always was proud - but sometimes the difficulties of the teenage years made that hard to remember.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Thank you, I'll take a look at those links 🙂

I'm sure we will come out of the teen years unscathed and with a strong relationship - just need to ride it out together I guess as another phase of development.

YABU!!! Your daughter is 15 years old- it’s not her job to look after you / her younger sibling / the house when you are sick! Of course she’s going out with her mates she’s a teenager. All teenagers are self oriented, it’s entirely developmentally normal and appropriate.

It’s not appropriate for you to lean on her . If you need her to do chores at home you set that boundary as part of a regular expectation- not shout at her at the last minute and demand she cancel her plans because you are sick and she’s not thinking of you.