Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Your parenting is very different to mine, I wouldn’t be paying for anything without teen earning it as a standard rule.

BUT I wouldn’t expect them to come home and do jobs around the house because I’m ill. Nothing terrible will happen if the hoovering isn’t done, and it takes two minutes to stick a load in the washing machine.

I can see why this generation of children are turning into spoilt precious brats by all the posters saying you are being unreasonable. You’re not. When I was 15 my mother went out to work for the first time 3 days a week. On those days I was expected to have the kitchen tidy and dinner ready for when she got home (during the summer not when I was also at school). I was more than capable of doing so. There was no discussion with me it was just the new way of doing things. Families have to help each other out. Your daughter sounds incredibly spoilt and also lacking in any kind of empathy that she didn’t think to help when you’re unwell. Going forward I would consider regular jobs for her to do.

Exactly, those selfish entitled adults - this is where they begin. Old enough to be playing adult but a child to do chores 🙄

@redhoodred1 what are you talking about she is not at the legal age to have sex??

And she makes it clear every time I ask her for help that she just can't be arsed.

Housework is boring as fuck. It's one thing to expect help, it's another to expect enthusiastic help.

I've been told several times by extended family (and sometimes DH) that I'm a pushover with her and I let her walk all over me. I know I do this, it frustrates me that I can't be harsher with her at times. So maybe I just snapped as a result of that. But the first time I implement some discipline and assert my authority I'm a wicked witch according to MN.

Ffs.

Back to doormat it is then! 🤣

So infuriating isn’t it!!!!! Wait until these people are elderly and really stuck, watch the kid’s use the ‘I’ve got my own life to live’ line, throw you in a care home and sell your house.

@redhoodred1

Why? The truth isn't always pleasant. Have I struck a nerve lovely?

Step back a moment. It isn't her fault that you had an extra child, nor that you are unwell, but you are shouting at her because of that. She should do some chores yes, but that really should fit in around living her life, she shouldn't need to do a full day of housework.

If you aren't well then get DH to do more while you just do easy bits and drop standards a bit. You'll all live with the hoovering not done for two weeks, forget it. Clean sinks, change hand towels, leave the showers - again everyone can live with it not being scrubbed for two weeks. Shove on one or two washes each day and put in basket; have DH or DD put away a load then hang out the next load in their own time, doesn't matter if that's 11pm at night when they get home.

Yes I can understand that. Even if you were wrong in your response today, I don't think it's the end of the world either way. You reached the end of your tether because of her general attitude. I would use it as an opportunity to dicuss and crack down on her attitude, but let her go tomorrow.

As you have been quite harsh Cant you just compromise and tell her she needs to

• hoover her own room
• sort her own laundry
• wash her own plate after dinner
• get her hair out of the plug
• general tidy of her stuff and room

If she does the above them tomorrow is back on the table ?

Oh she should definitely be doing her own laundry when you are ill, and asking if you have anything (vomit-free) to put in at the same time.

She should be doing her own laundry at 15 anyway, unless you are trying to reduce excess washing machine use.

Oh I also bailed her out yesterday with her bank as she had gone into an unauthorised overdraft and would have been charged fees, she only just told me yesterday. So I gave her cash to sort that, too. Plus more cash for shopping today. I'm just a mug arent I

I just clarified that, she’s 16 in a few months and there are plenty of teens who deem themselves old enough regardless. She is doing whatever adult responsibilities suit her and that isn’t right.

I stared straight after that I thought she was already 16.

Yes you were too harsh on her.

If you are that ill then DH should have cancelled his overtime and stayed home to support you.

That's not DDs job.

yes this exactly!

What the fuck are you talking about? I’m so confused

You don’t seem to like her very much. If she’s selfish and lazy it’s because she’s a teenager and you’ve raised her to be this way, you can’t suddenly expect her to do a 180 because you’re ill.

Yep

Yeah paying for all her stuff that she needs and giving her lifts everywhere is also boring as fuck. But I don't roll my eyes dramatically and announce loudly "do I have to?? But I'm so tired and it's just so unfair!!" and make her feel like shit, do i. I just get the fuck on with it.

Oh I also bailed her out yesterday with her bank as she had gone into an unauthorised overdraft and would have been charged fees

Off topic but her bank shouldn't be charging her overdraft fees if she is under 18.

Going on all guns blazing with ultimatums with a teen is never going to end well.

She needs jobs to do every week. Why isn't she emptying/loading the dishwasher ever day? Ds was doing that from 10. Peg the washing out? Bung a wash on? Give her a list to do and explain the money she gets is dependent on helping out. Explain it's not her fault but you've realised there needs to be more hands on deck around the house.

Let her help this evening and tell her of she does she can go out tomorrow. Ignore her getting in just after 5, for a teen that's on time!

OP, I don’t think you were harsh. But maybe it is wake-up call for both and your DD. It’s time to sit down and let her know that she will be doing chores at a member of the household. DD should absolutely be doing things like her laundry, at least taking a turn cleaning the family bathroom, hoovering, etc.

To those who say it’s not the DD’s responsibility to do the housework, I think if DD had some regular chores of her own, then the OP wouldn’t have fallen behind with everything and wouldn’t need as much help right now.

This “teens are naturally lazy and selfish” thing drives me crazy. Maybe it’s true for many teens, but isn’t it up to the parents to teach them not to be?

You sound wonderful 😊

But the first time I implement some discipline and assert my authority I'm a wicked witch according to MN.

No one has called you a wicked witch. You’re playing the victim card here.

You need to find a middle ground with your DD.

Stop being a pushover. Don’t give in to “handouts” or “lifts” without a chore or two in return. E.g washing her dishes after a meal/snack. Putting dirty clothes into the laundry basket.

But you can’t spring on last minutes threats of not being aloud to meet her friends/boyfriend when she’s had something planned just because your I’ll and your DH works relentlessly and “jobs need doing”. It’s not life or death if housework doesn’t get done for a few days.

Surely you can see there needs to be a middle ground?