To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

Completely disagree. The person at home on maternity leave should 100% be doing all wakings. Even if baby doesn't sleep during the day you still have the choice to rest on the sofa/not do much on the days you're knackered. Getting up early commuting to work and doing a full day at work is going to be a lot harder.

Right? I get it if your job is something like a surgeon, but not for office jobs.

You don’t think you need to be rested to care for a child?

Makes no sense to me either, like looking after a baby all day is nothing, probably more work than half of the jobs others are doing when they are going to work!

It’s not. It can be extremely hard work, of course, but it’s completely different to parenting and working which is far more tiring.

@ForestFae

No, he doesn't value being a sahp enough to do it himself

No one did 'my' childcare. My oh did his, I did mine.

WP don't stop being parents just because they work

Only sahm think that

We did shared parental leave with DS1 so I was at home for months 0-6, and DH for months 6-10. I did most of the night wakings when I was the one at home (partially because I breastfed for that period. I stopped when I went back to work) and then DH did most of them when I went back to work - that period also covered the absolute nadir of DS1's sleep, so he wasn't getting the 'easy bit'. If DH was a horrible lazy oppressor for the first six months did I then turn into one when it was the other way round, too?

Right? I get it if your job is something like a surgeon, but not for office jobs.

Why all the shit on office jobs on this thread? I carry out most of my work in an office and it’s far harder and requires me to be better rested than maternity leave ever did.

I've always done anything needed in the night if my husband is at work the next day as I can grab a nap while baby does, if needed. I don't work, he is a secondary teacher.

However he does a lot of the early starts at weekends and holidays and night shifts if needed.
It's easy, works for us, we just support each other.

This is me and I don’t get why you are filled with rage.. I can have a nap If needed.. DH can’t! What’s the issue with it? If he was a SAHP and I was working it would be the other way around x

dont tell me what my own husband does and does not value. He would’ve been happy to be a stay at home dad and have me going to work. Unfortunately, one of us has to work. We can’t both be SAHP.

I never said that you stop being parents, I said that you don’t do the same amount of parenting work as a SAHP

Well l have worked much of my life, and been home with two under two and l can defintely say being home was much easier, if you are tired with a baby you can just stay in and sit down with baby, doze on the sofa...choose not to drive on the worst days...you have choices.
I never expected DH to have disturbed nights when l was not working and he was...if you are both working there is no other option.

However l would expect DH to give me a break on a Saturday night when he could catch up on Sunday.

We would probably all prefer your partner wasn't tired! 😂

@ForestFae

So I can't say what your oh values (despite him not being a sahp even though he could have been. Why isn't he then?)

But you can say how much I parent?

🤣

The fact is you can rest easily while you're looking after a baby or child. I did a lot of resting when I had young children, sometimes I spent whole days doing nothing much at all.

Because I wanted to be. Two people can’t be a SAHP, one of us has to work. If he was a SAHP and I worked, would that make me “value his role less”?

Its factually accurate that if you’re not doing the childcare during the week, you’re not doing what a SAHP does. Because you’re not there. This isn’t a judgement, or an insult. Why are you reacting like this?

My husband doesn’t help in the week because if he isn’t alert people would die. He does one night at the weekend and gets up with our child that day so I can have a lay in.

While on mat leave I did all the night feeds, DH was at work and in a stressful job. I could nap in the morning / afternoon so don’t see this as an issue. We also BF so on weekends I did all the night feeds but he would get up at 6am with the kids while I slept in.

He worked in a stressful job and got up every morning at 6am with the kids, I don’t see how he’s getting the rough deal here.

YABU to judge others set up if they are happy but YANBU if your set up and DH isn’t pulling their weight

I don't have a problem with it. If mum is struggling and needs support that's different. If you are exclusively breastfeeding there's no need for your Dh to stay up. Mum can sleep whilst baby sleeps during the day. Some newborns don't sleep much, but must sleep quite a bit during the day. Dad can't sleep at work. Mum can sleep at home, generally.

That’s..not the case for everyone.

I watched series 1-8 of ER in about 2 months on maternity leave, during the days. There was plenty of down time. It’s hard in a very different way to work, one that’s not really made any better or worse by doing night feeds (outside of the extremes of serious sleep deprivation).

@ForestFae

I'm not reacting like anything I just disagree with you.

Do you view your oh as less of a parent than you?

I dont have a sahm looking after my kids so we do do all the stuff a sahm does between us.

I work and parent.

You parent.

Doing 2 hard jobs is harder than doing 1 hard job.

No whomever was off did the night feeds. If we both had worked it was shared. If you're home you can nap when baby naps I can't nap at my desk.

I did both, and staying at home was definitely easier even with a pain in the butt baby/toddler like mine. I definitely wouldn't have been able to function enough to do both, even with OH's help. It's one of the reasons why I stopped at one kid.
If I didn't want to do housework, I didn't. If I couldn't be arsed to cook,I didn't. If I wanted to stay in pyjamas all day and not do anything, rest (sleep wasn't an option very often), read ,watch telly, I did. Without the pressure of childcare runs,timings,juggling it all etc.

That isn’t true because you physically can’t fit in everything a SAHP does in a week in evenings and weekends.
.
Lesser? No. A different kind of parent? Yes.

I know of a new mother whose mental health was so severely affected by sleep deprivation after having a baby who didn't sleep, that she was admitted to a mother and baby unit due to almost tipping into a psychotic state. Sleep deprivation was a significant factor in her mental health decline, according to the professions who treated her.

Ok, this is an extreme case. But I don't think we should assume new mothers don't need to sleep as much because they aren't going out of the front door to work.

No, you're right, we shouldn't assume that. Neither should we assume the opposite. If the OP had started a thread titled 'AIBU to think that whether night wakings are shared between mother and father should be based on their individual situation and the needs, health and mental health of both of the parents and the baby', I don't think she'd have had much argument. But she didn't. She apparently assumed it's always unreasonable for the father not to do night feeds, even if that's what works best for the family.