To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

I'm not even gonna lie. I'd love to have a rich man fund a lifestyle of not working. 😂 I'd probs still feel like a bit of a blagger but if I had a convincing enough explanation ("I do all the life admin" 😉) then I reckon it'd be pretty sweet. Sitting in a chair all day doing boring business stuff is kinda shit really IMHO.

But only if used as a slur. I know someone called Fanny and nobody is offended when people use her name.

@Anotherdayanotherdisappointment Is it really? I’m asking a serious question as there’s a popular resort here in the US with that name. I had no idea it was considered a slur. ☹️

Yes it is.

Have you never seen Meet the Parents with Ben Stiller?

But agree with pp, context is everything. Even calling someone bent. Could be homophobic or could mean they were unethical e.g. a bent police officer accepting a bribe.

OP, your entire argument rests on all SAHMs being like you.
The vast majority of SAHMs(especially those with children young enough to wake every night) are not intensely home educating four children.

Consequently those mothers can do exactly what many of us have said, adapt their day after a bad night. Stay in bed for hours after their dh has left for work. Abandon the errand or the task they planned to do. Stick Peppa Pig on for half an hour, put the shopping off until the evening. And yes, nap or tune out when they get chance.

I'm sorry that you feel that the intense job that you've created for yourself at home isn't appreciated. But it's very unlike most other SAHMs mothering role, yet you refuse to accept that.

No, I’m not hugely into films. Wow, you’d think some research would be done before choosing a name!

Indeed. I honestly think some just get a bit out of shape from sitting around and come to believe that doing the hoovering is a really physical task. I saw one on here a few weeks back saying looking after the kids was as exhausting as doing a physical job. I really wanted to see how she'd fare spending a day as a bricklayer or labourer onsite.

@Topgub even when your DC were babies? You can't leave a newborn unsupervised for more than a few mins to use the loo and even past the newborn phase, if you don't have a good napper and have a higher need baby, you can't just leave them. I'm also "on" most of the time at work as a teacher but I still don't think it's the same kind of "on" as being the parent of a baby. As children get older, I'd probably agree with you more about the balance shifting.

Consequently those mothers can do exactly what many of us have said, adapt their day after a bad night. Stay in bed for hours after their dh has left for work. Abandon the errand or the task they planned to do. Stick Peppa Pig on for half an hour, put the shopping off until the evening. And yes, nap or tune out when they get chance.

I have never been a SAHM but I have done maternity leave and work 4 days a week. I have never once been able to spend hours in bed when I have been looking after under 5s! Half an hour of Peppa, yes, but when at work I also have half an hour usually to have lunch and can often rejig my workload to have an easier day if I have had a rough night with the kids or an early start - I have an intellectually challenging quite senior role but a fair amount of flexibility.

And I also don't think 30 mins of Peppa makes up for severely broken sleep anyway.

The anecdotes about individual experiences aren't really relevant to the OP though. The OP apparently gets the rage if other mums do the night feeds because their partner works. She's so full of her own perfect life style that it hasn't crossed her mind that other couples may also be dividing up responsibilities in a way which suits them.

Thing about being a SAHP is its your own business . You're the boss and no one can sack you from your job. That gives you a leeway that working and being answerable to someone else doesn't.

Like most people with their own business you are always on call and you tend to do very long hours.

But no commute, no keeping up appearances and no keeping somebody else's timetable.

And ultimately no one else is going to sack you.

That's probably the clincher.

And why OH didn't do night feeds. Though mainly because I have boobs.

And no pay cheque or occupational pension!

It's obvious that different types of job have different types of stress. Being a SAHM is again, demanding in a different way. But even then, it will depend on how many DC you have and what they are like! This is so obvious and I've no idea why people need to make it into a competition. It's like asking 'how long is a piece of string?' As if all "WOHMs' have anything in common. Some will be jet-setting CEOs while others might work 9-5 in a basic admin role they can do with their eyes shut - so they spend most of their time on the internet and MN!

When my children were 6. 4, 2 and a newborn, that was full on. I rarely sat down or had time to think about anything else. It was all a blur to be honest.,But now that they're all teens, its far less physically demanding, obviously. I would say I'm quite lazy these days and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But frankly, so what? I feel I've earned it and I'm not going to make a big flap about needing to be busy busy busy if I don't need to be. Life changes. There is no such thing as a typical SAHM or a typical 'mum who works.'