To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

I probably wouldn’t use this phrase but I did the night feeds as ebf and did sleep in the day (which was so nice)

Only SAHMs say that being as full time mum is harder than working. The rest of us know that we work and are still a full time mum doing everything else that's needed.

Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work?

it's not considered work at all on MN unless it's someone else's baby.

I would go with this if DH were a pilot or heart surgeon but if he was selling second hand cars I'd be less understanding ;-)
For health reasons my DH does not work so he used to stay up til 3am with the baby as he is a night owl and then he would put it down and I would get up at 6am. So we did shifts of sorts :-)

That’s the part that gets me. Being a childcare worker is a valid career, and rightly so, but when it’s your own suddenly it’s super easy and you can sleep all day…

This.

I do think in certain jobs wheee it’s potentially dangerous or very pressure there are reasons for making sure the working partner gets an undisturbed night.

But a lot of women do self censor around this.

My ex DH refused point blank to do night feeds even after I went back to work. Even though I was the breadwinner. I found myself telling people his job was more “physical” than mine but the reality was he was being a dick and I didn’t want to admit this.

I left him two years later. Obviously.

@ForestFae

But there are lots of parental leave options now.

If you choose not to take them then you cant moan your oh is working and you're not.

Why do you prefer being a sahm?

It being 'harder' is entirely subjective and dependent on the children/job.

Being a sahm is not harder than my job.

In fact as I said, I don't think its harder than most.

If you think working is easier, work

If you work full time, you don’t do what a SAHM does. There just isn’t time. I’m not saying one is better than the other but they’re very different

And it works both ways! Not all people find being home with a new born the hardest thing in the world

You aren't doing "everything else" if you have outsourced the childcare to someone else.

It depends what the work is. My DH is a nuclear scientist, if he makes a mistake at work he's taking half of northern Europe out with him. So I did the all night feeds. But he made up for it by leaving me to lie in at the weekends.

My DH didn’t have options for paid parental leave. My DH still did the night feeds because he didn’t believe my work as a SAHM isn’t valid or is inferior to his.

Exactly @bumpytrumpy

Its not parenting v work.

Its parenting v work and parenting

I was happy to get up with the babies in the night for this very reason. I did nap during the day as well, because I could. I must have been so bloody irritating.

@ForestFae

Not valid enough to do it himself though, eh?

Then you share it because you’re both at work? Not a difficult concept, really.

If someone else does your childcare the majority of the week, you aren’t doing the same as what a SAHM does. If you come home to the house exactly as you left it, with no one messing it up during the day, you’re not doing what a SAHM does.

He’d be happy to if I’d wanted to go to work. He considers it equally valid. Not sure why you think he doesn’t.

There's a huge difference between looking after your own child and being paid to look after someone else's baby yours you can do as little or as much as you like even sleep when their sleeping. Being paid to look after another child you need to be up and alert, house needs to be tidy and activities sorted. There's no sleeping or lounging in pjs whilst being paid and paperwork to be filled so very different.

I was a SAHM for getting on for 12 years, and they were an absolute doddle, definitely the best years of my life. Working is much more stressful and far less enjoyable.

I agree. Why is it better to have a sleep deprived mum looking after an infant all day than two tired but functioning adults doing their respective jobs?

My DH manages his desk job just fine splitting nights and I’m able to be a better mum because I’ve actually had some sleep.

I guess if one parent is operating heavy machinery or performing surgery it might be different… but in most cases, everything that happens when both parents are home should be split 50:50.

Oh and then, as the babies get older, the dad can’t get up in the night because little one only wants their mum. Well obviously they’ll want their mum if you have never gotten up with them :

I ended up doing the night feeds whilst on maternity leave in part as I was ebf. Once we were both working we shared all childcare equally. It’s not rocket science… equality is entirely possible.

My dc were close by in a bedside cot, I’d just feed them and go back to sleep

No point in waking dh as he couldn’t do it

I get it if it’s bottles but otherwise it’s going to be me

All of this.

Makes no sense to me either, like looking after a baby all day is nothing, probably more work than half of the jobs others are doing when they are going to work!

Fortunately my husband does his share overnight so I can't complain.