To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

nap when the baby naps has to be the biggest collective lie of all time lol

Op @ForestFae

I disagree. "insinuation that “women’s work”, looking after kids all day, is somehow inferior, ".

No. That's not the insinuation. It's just the practicalities of mum being able to sleep at home in the day, whereas most men in most jobs can't.

Who can actually sleep during the day, Secondly let’s not pretend broken sleep is anything like actual sleep

Not for mine at the moment- as she literally won't sleep unless I'm lying with her (3.5m) then I'm kind of forced to nap or atleast rest. However it does mean I get little done in the day.

@ForestFae

I didnt work Mon to Fri. I'm not sure why you're fixated on in the week.

Do you think you're a "different kind of parent' to those with school age kids?

What does different kind of parent even mean?

If you can only have one sahp why was it you and not him?

Why not both of you work part time?

nap when the baby naps has to be the biggest collective lie of all time lol

Again you are assuming that's the case for everyone. I can't nap. Never could, as a new mother or not. I certainly know women who did though.

Would you be happy for a childminder you were using to nap when they were supposed to be looking after your children.

I’ve been at home for the last six months, our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. So in the day I’d nap, play switch, go to the gym, watch TV (obviously all the usual baby related stuff too), I couldn’t do any of that as a childminder (plus I wouldn’t just be lookinf after one baby). Shes beem a fairly easy baby and I haven’t been overly tired.

I’ve just finished my first week back at work, more tired, more stressed and generally mentally a bit knackered.

I napped every day on maternity leave, it was great. I don’t assume that’s everyone’s experience.

What do you mean re school age kids? I home educate, so yes I would say so. Different as in more hands on, purely because I have more time. It’s not better or worse as such, it’s just different.

Because he makes more money than I did, and I desperately didn’t want to go back to work. It was more affordable this way, and I didn’t want to work part time.

Lots of them. Especially those fed on demand.

Getting up at 5am stupid o'clock to get baby ready and do the half hour walk to childcare so I could get 2 buses to work, to finish work when it was dark to take the 2 buses home to walk the 30 minute journey back to our house, was definitely harder than my day off 🤣🤣😴

I’m not saying it never happens but the assumption that everyone on maternity leave can nap is bollocks. Not that you’re saying that but some people seem to be suggesting it

Although now I read the thread is coming from a SAHP it makes more sense. I can see why they don’t understand the tiredness of being a working parent if they haven’t experienced it for themselves. Being a SAHP is totally valid and admirable and worthwhile, you don’t have to pretend it’s harder to justify yourself.

It depends on what works though doesn't it? When DD was born dh was working every day even weekends. I would be doing night feeds and then sleeping in until 11 with baby. I didn't see point in keeping dh up as I had all the next day to sleep in as DD was my only child. It did work for us.

You sound like you need a nap op.

I did them because I breastfed, and by the time I stopped they were king sleeping through. I was lucky (and also implemented a routine from day one) and was not particularly sleep deprived.
The time I would have liked help was end of the day bath and story/bed time. I'd be thoroughly done with the kids by then! Unfortunately my husband worked long hours and was rarely home before they were in bed.

I worked when DS1 was little. Just because I’m a SAHP doesn’t mean I haven’t ever been a working parent. They’re hard in different ways, being a SAHP is more intense but also more rewarding imo.

This was me. Because he was a HGV driver. And safety came first.

Depends - what his job is, how often the baby wakes, whether there is another toddler, how well the at home parent can make up rest..

Overall and on average, I’d expect the parent at home to do more night wakes, not because their work is less important, but because it’s hard to get sacked for looking after your own kid, and you can control your time to a degree. However, I’d expect any parents to do some night wakes.

But absolutely I am amazed by how little so many fathers do, and how little is expected of them.

This is a fair and balanced viewpoint - I’m also amazed at how little most dads seem to do.

I wasn't actually referring to OP at all.

My post was in reference to other posters who made comments to the effect that mum doesn't need sleep as she's not doing anything that requires mental effort.

Staying mentally well postpartum, for some mothers, is a constant mental effort. And for many, it requires good sleep in order to achieve.

Yes, I would say that one big advantage of shared parental leave is it really concentrates the mind if you know that whatever you agree you'll also have to do the other side of it - knowing that there would be a period where I'd be at work and DH wouldn't it felt like a no-brainer that the one not at work did most of the wake-ups!

Oh it's bingo night!

Are you going to trot out any more tired old clichés or have those goady boots been filled?

Are you too dim to spot the hypocrisy in slagging off men who don't do night feeds and get up and go to work the next day whilst judging women who work as well?

Because it's fucking offensive to insinuate that people who go out to work are somehow inferior as parents than those who stay at home. I'm a full time mother when I'm at work. My husband is a full time father when he is.

So do one back to Stepford.

This is one of the things I often think about - how much PND is exacerbated by the women being expected to do the brunt of the disturbed nights.

I’ve not judged anyone. That poster claimed working parents do “everything a SAHP does and works, so it’s 2 jobs” and I simply said there’s not the time in a week to do “everything” a SAHP does, and that being a SAHP and a working parent are different but neither is objectively bad. How is that saying anyone is inferior? This sounds like an insecurity on your part, grow up