To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

*professioanls

*argh! Professionals

🤣

I have breastfeed all my dc. Last two dc both refused the bottle, well they both resisted at first and then refused it.

Should dh have stayed up with me?

For ds1, he used to give the 9pm bottle feeding and anything else ds1 needed. I however, used to go to bed early at 6pm, miss the 9pm feeding and wake up for the 3am feeding.

It was nice. We were both well rested. My other two children are a different stories.

YABU, it's totally dependent on so many different factors that you can't possibly know about. I did the night feeds because DC took decently long naps and i genuinely did sleep when the baby sleeps so for us it worked. I was up a couple of times a night but got a couple of hours nap at noonish and felt fine. Obviously lots of other people have a totally different experience. You can't judge based on one comment.

I said this. DH had to be up at 7am to get out for work and wasnt home til 7pm. I often had very chilled out restful days, I would sleep when baby did so it wasnt awful. There would be an odd really terrible night and those were a team game

For me it depends on the job. My partner works on the railway- being tired would be incredibly dangerous to himself and others. So we made the decision before baby was born that I would do nights however he is very good at pulling his weight everywhere else and would happily do nights at weekends- however as baby has decided she will only go to sleep on me that doesn't really work!

Oh yes because all women bf because their partners told them they had to 🙄 my partner (now ex) actually didn’t want me to bf, I’ve seen far more men not wanting their partners to bf than the other way.

But even if exclusively BF, the man CAN do night wakes, i.e to resettle, change a nappy, give medication if unwell etc etc. It's completely unacceptable that some men don't help; and using BF as a excuse doesn't work. There is plenty they can still do during the night to help look after a baby that doesn't involve feeding.

On a typical night, my baby (7m) wakes twice between 6.30pm and 6.30am for two feeds. I do those feeds, usually around 1am and 5am. If she wakes more in between for whatever reason, DH attends to her and resettles her. Most nights both feeds are quick pit stops so DH sleeps through and I'm back in my bed in under 10mins but if she is unsettled between those two feeds, he is up looking after her whilst I sleep. We take turns.

He works full time 9-5. And never makes excuses. Both of us get some decent sleep that way. Hate reading shite like "don't see the point in both of us being sleep deprived therefore I am the only one to be sleep deprived". How is that fair ?! You've grown the baby, most likely been suffering with insomnia during pregnancy, then fed the baby, look after the baby during the day, all day, every day but you have to be the one sleep deprived whilst Mr big Man gets his full 8 hours ? Nah, it's not fair and doesn't make sense.

YABU. Each couple does what suits them best. XH drove for a living and often worked 12 hour days. He was prone to getting overtired and the last thing I wanted was for him to fall asleep at the wheel and kill himself or others.

We agreed that I would do the feeds Sun-Thurs and he would do Fri/Sat.

It worked for us and kept him safe while driving.

I breastfed both of mine so I did the nights. Honestly didn't see the point in both of us being tired so I encouraged dh to get as much sleep as he could so he could do more in the day to help me out (before and after work). I do think that being super tired and doing a job is harder than being super tired and being off on maternity leave (having done both). If I'm at home and zonked, I can choose to do the minimum that day eg not bother with house stuff, rest when possible, not bother getting dressed etc... when you have a job, you can't slack off because you're tired. There is more pressure to deliver. I'm not saying that both don't have value and that looking after a baby isn't work (it is!) but they are different and have different pressures.

If the wife is saying it in some prissy 'my DH cannot possibly be expected to get up at night' then fair enough. But in my case I did one very quick night feed, DS fell asleep straight away ... inevitably DH would also wake anyway ... then in the mornings he looked after DS until he left for work ... I rested ... then as DS was such a great sleeper both us napped or pootled around all day .... honestly the baby years were a piece of cake for me but I guess it depends on how well your baby sleeps, how much housework etc you (& your DH do) etc etc. There are so many variables.

Employers are paying their staff to be awake and doing their job to the best of their ability, not slumped over their desk (or, God forbid, the wheel) like a zombie. If that means the SAHP needs to do the night waking, so be it.

Im extremely lucky. My husband is incredible, hes always done his fair share of getting up in the night and is a very hands on dad. I do know a lot of people who have to do everything themselves though.

Totally agree with this!!

Each family should do what works for them.

My DH didn't do any night feeds if he was working the next day and that was a decision we both agreed to as he's a HGV driver. Whilst he didn't do the night feeds he did lots of other things instead.

I'm pregnant with my first and me and DP have said I'll do night wakings because I'll be BF and he works a really tough manual job so no point us both being awake when he has to work and will be the breadwinner. Am I missing something?

I do think that being super tired and doing a job is harder than being super tired and being off on maternity leave (having done both). If I'm at home and zonked, I can choose to do the minimum that day eg not bother with house stuff, rest when possible, not bother getting dressed etc... when you have a job, you can't slack off because you're tired. There is more pressure to deliver.

That, which is put much better than my own attempt to say the same thing!

Nope still don’t feel the need, if I’m staying at home all day I will use that time to rest, don’t see why people make out being home with a newborn is the most exhausting thing ever. Mine slept most of the day!

Ds was ebf, so that's just how it was for us 🤷‍♀️

My DP didn't do any night wakings for our first 2 DDs because he had at least an hour drive to and from work and was out of the house 7-7 so I didn't want to risk him having an accident and falling asleep at the wheel. We have always shared weekends though and always got one lie in each. Our 3rd child he worked from home so was up in the night with that child

It’s not so much I care what individual couples do rather the insinuation that “women’s work”, looking after kids all day, is somehow inferior, less important or less valuable than men’s. Basically that women’s needs come second.

Perhaps your experience isn’t everyone’s? Mine certainly didn’t.

@ForestFae

Looking after kids isn't womens work.

Not working is easier than working though

But it’s almost always women in maternity leave and the men who go back to work after two weeks, so this disproportionately affects women. I don’t think it is, but that’s the attitude.

Looking after young children isn’t “not working”, that’s my whole point. I’ve worked and I’ve been a SAHM (still am), while I prefer being a SAHM it’s also harder than “work” in many ways.