To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

I think it's fair enough. DH is a teacher, I didn't want him driving other people's kids around to fixtures when was in danger of falling asleep at the wheel and neither did he

He used to do the 10.30/11pm feed for DTs and then go up to sleep in the spare room. I'd deal with all the night time shenanigans, we'd take one each at around 7am Sun-Thur.

Friday and Saturday we did it together.

DH and I both did night feeds/nappies. But both DDs slept through the night from 8 weeks, so it wasn’t onerous for very long. Plus, as a junior doctor in the 1980s, I was used to working an 80 hour continuous shift from Fri am to Mon pm, and average 100 hour weeks, so sleep deprivation was nothing new.

I did because OH worked really long days (and long driving commute) to then work up on a crane, stone cutters, various heavy machines. DD also breastfed for the first few months,not sure how he could help with that. After that, If DD was awake and needed a feed in the morning before he left ,then he would do that feed. He did sleep on the sofa for about two years though because it was a lot easier for me and I could co sleep safely with DD. In some ways it/he was shit, in some ways he did try.

We both have office jobs, this requires high levels of maths and data handling. You can’t do that for eight hours if you’re tired. Thats why the worker here doesn’t do the night wakings.

Most breastfed babies.
Sadly my dh is many things, but lactating isn't one of them. Despite what Owen Jones would have us believe.

I wasn't working. I was tired
He was working, he had no milk.

Not everything needs to be turned into an aren't men shit point.

Do you get ragey about other aspects of people’s relationships?

This really is up the then to decide.

I went back to work when all 3 of mine were around 12-24 weeks. They were all breastfed as well, so by default, I did all of the night feeds.

Yeah, I was tired but I find it a bit over dramatic, people saying they couldn’t possibly expect their partner to function on broken sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely had days where I wasn’t performing at my absolute peak, but I don’t think tiredness has ever significantly damaged my ability to do my job?!

@Simonjt
Have I missed you and dh having another baby? Congratulations!

We both have office jobs, this requires high levels of maths and data handling. You can’t do that for eight hours if you’re tired.

Honestly I think doing anything for 8 hours (except lounging on the sofa) is a challenge if you're extremely sleep deprived. Maths, operating machinery, working in healthcare, driving, looking after kids... Whether it's mental or physical effort required, it's fecking hard on little sleep, I find.

I'd struggle at home some days on maternity leave on no sleep, and I struggle now at work some days (healthcare setting, emotionally and mentally demanding job) on no sleep.

Not sure what my point is. 🤣 Just that, well, it's fucking hard either way if you're not sleeping.

YABU. It's none of your business. It's actually quite reasonable sometimes to take over night feedings if you husband is, let's say, HGV driver.

When I was on maternity leave and breastfeeding, I did the night wakings while he slept as he was working as a nurse in a very busy medical admissions ward.

He had no breasts and never managed to satisfy the baby.

When I go back to work and my husband takes his 6 months shared parental leave there’s no way in hell I’m doing any night feeds. Obviously it’s down to every couple but in my opinion for us that’s the job of the person currently staying home, not the person going out to work.

I done all night feeds, I breastfed
all of mine, don’t see the point in 2
people being up if not necessary

Men are such weak and feeble creatures, I can't even summon any rage against them for their pathetic inability to do night feeds.

I didn't get to nap when I was a SAHM, but I did get to tune out some of the time, when the baby was napping. And even when awake I could sit with her on my knee and watch neighbours or something. My DH couldn't tune out like that at any point in his working day (nor would I have been able to when i went back to paid work)

If I was feeling really tired, as a SAHM there was rarely anything involving serious decision making or where I had to come across as super professional and on top of a whole lot of information and act the part accordingly, as I would in a meeting.

Yes, being at home with a baby is exhausting, but it really is silly to say that it's the same as being able to carry out a professional role(that a company pays you to do) after broken nights EVERY night. If both parents are in full time paid work, then yes, they both have to take a turn at being the nighttime person. But as a SAHM (or just the person not working the next day) of course it's reasonable to be the one coping with the broken night.

If the mother is still on mat leave of course it makes sense. Even if you are not able to sleep in the day you dont particularly need high levels of concentration

My friend is pregnant. Her husband has told her she is breastfeeding. Because then he won't have to help with night feeds.

I didn’t do them because he worked I did them because I’m the only one with boobs. You’re assuming everyone formula feeds. Loads of people don’t.

I know some people have dad do changing etc after mum’s fed the baby but I never find night wake ups difficult - I know we’re not all the same - and I went back to sleep quickly and could nap in the day if I wanted.

Why are you discussing peoples night time set up? Why does it offend you?

YABU for judging other people's set ups, it's none of your business, but YANBU to rage at your own DH if you don't want that set up!

^This. I bf and did all the night feeds. I know only too well how hard it would have been for dh to have broken sleep and then go into work, because we did the same job. Whereas I, on maternity leave, could spend all day in my pyjamas if I wanted. It didn't make any sense for him to be doing it, even if dc had been bottle fed. My own personal experience was that being at home with a baby was a piece of piss compared with being at work. I realise that's not the case for everyone.

Again, you’re assuming everyone formula feeds and dad can do that. Why?

This.
When I worked and he was off he got up.
When he worked and I was off I got up.
When we both were at work we shared. One did one half of the night, the other the second. We both got a block of sleep.
We alternated weekend lay ins.
If the person working has to drive/operate heavy machinery/carry out surgeries etc etc etc then it's only sensible and safe that they get a decent block of sleep. Male or female.
If you never get a night off as a SAHM even at the weekend then that's an issue obviously.

I’ve said this phrase many times, it’s said with no ill intent whatsoever. My husband drives a lorry for a living and I’d like him home alive so I choose to do night feeds because my husband works. But clearly there are women out there who don’t care what profession their husbands are in and expect a 50/50 split- I have a family member who has her husband up all hours of the night before he then proceeds to drive a lorry all day. He’s nearly fallen asleep on the wheel 3 times this year already. THAT gives me the rage.

In other words, when your husband works, doesn’t that entail getting to and from work safely? I’d rather be sleep deprived at home than risk my husband.

Well. You might not need to concentrate in the way you do at paid work. But you do need some sort of ability to function mentally. And emotionally.

Extreme sleep deprivation can, for some people, cause a decline in mental health and perhaps even exacerbate PND, which of course will affect the mother's ability to care for their child.

I did all night feeds as 1, I breast fed and DH doesn't have boobs,
2, I was on maternity leave thus paid to be home and DH still had to go to work.
3, Exhausted DH could= poor performance at work = could loose job = no money coming in.

Why would i wake him in the night when he can't feed a baby and had to commute to work the next day , work all day and progress in career????
When I returned to work we shared the care!

I know of a new mother whose mental health was so severely affected by sleep deprivation after having a baby who didn't sleep, that she was admitted to a mother and baby unit due to almost tipping into a psychotic state. Sleep deprivation was a significant factor in her mental health decline, according to the professions who treated her.

Ok, this is an extreme case. But I don't think we should assume new mothers don't need to sleep as much because they aren't going out of the front door to work. That's a very short sighted view that doesn't consider maternal emotional or mental well-being, which lets face it, are critical to the baby's wellbeing.