To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

Spend more time with my kids, for one. I’m sure you do some of the same stuff I do, but far less frequently. There’s only 24 hours in a day.

The thread is about how low the bar is for men, and how many men just assume they shouldn’t have to do the unpleasant parts of parenting, and how the role of the mother is undervalued.

Agree completely

@ForestFae

OK.

But you have a very low bar for your own oh?

And completely undervalue wm

No I dont. How is him supporting us so I can be a SAHM, which is what I want to do, and him splitting the duties the remainder of the time, and him also doing the night feeds, a low bar?

you’ve just got a stick up your arse because you’re a working mum and feel attacked by this thread for some reason.

@CarriageClock

I was never completely on all the time as a parent.

I am completely on all the time at work. And then come home and parent

Then you’re a different type of parent to some of us.

@ForestFae

There you go again. Getting personal because you can't cope with being disagreed with

I dont feel attacked. I think you're wrong. There's a difference.

Its setting a low bar because you think that only being available at the weekends isn't enough

Why is it ok for your oh?

Because I am available in the week. Why do you think I’m saying both parents need to be available all the time? It doesn’t have to be 50/50 on absolutely everything. I have never claimed otherwise.

Why do you think I am saying both parents need to be available all the time?

@ForestFae

Oh undoubtedly

I let mine play unsupervised. I dont have to be with them every second. Don't have to be making every second a life lesson.

My kids were (are) hard work but I still managed to get a break

Good for you. I’m able to get a break too, when they’re asleep or with relatives. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How is it a low bar when plenty of WOHP combine successful careers and also raise happy, well adjusted children into adults?

Our kids are adults - happy, successful and emotionally healthy. Dh and I have also had successful interesting careers. Win win I say.

@ForestFae

I dont

I'm asking why you don't hold him to the same standards you hold wm to?

If its ok to parent your kids a wee bit at the weekends because they are with other people during the week, why do you judge wm for doing the same?

@ForestFae

But you just said we must be different because I said I wasn't always on?!

🤣🤣

With the other parent. Not other people. There’s a huge difference.

He would wake with me at first but that seemed pointless! He then took over as soon as he came home - so did bath etc and stayed up until around 11pm to do the last feed. I went to sleep around 9pm so good a good few hours in before baby woke again at 3am.

At weekends he did night feeds and also woke up in the morning for breakfast etc

Even now almost 8 years later - he gets up with our DD around d 6:30am as she is an early riser and I lay in bed until around 8am as I do more during the week (school run every day, homework etc).

It works very well for us as he is naturally an early bird like our DD whereas I like to sleep a little later

Oh my god. I am always on while I parent. I’m not parenting when they’re in bed am I. I feel like you’re speaking a different language, or being intentionally obtuse.

@ForestFae

Whats the difference?

The bar is low for men OP, I agree. But as a working mum who had a SAH partner who did the night feeds because I worked, this is not the hill I'd want to die with you on.
After I'd done my 13 hour day ( including commute) working with vulnerable women in crisis situations (no capitalism to see here!) that left me emotionally, physically, and mentally drained; then visited my elderly parent, and spent some quality time with my child, I would under no circumstances be getting up in the night so DP (who had enough downtime to give me chapter and verse of the latest episodes of loose women and homes under the hammer, despite doing a great job with DD) could get an unbroken 8 hours.
I think if I had, I would have been setting a very low bar for a man indeed.

@ForestFae

Neither

Youre just tying yourself up in knots trying to prove how much harder being a sahm when it's clearly not.

Or if it is its because you make it harder than it needs to be

That the other parent is a parent of that child. They have parental responsibility. They’re not one of many in a class, bound by curriculums and rigid rules and forced conformity.

it’s completely different leaving a child with a parent than a third party. If you don’t see the difference, then I don’t understand how you parent. I don’t mean that as insult either, I just don’t think the two are remotely comparable.

No parental responsibility here yet for one of ours, so we’re just a random third party 😂

Nope, it is harder than most jobs. But keep telling yourself you have more hours in the day than everyone else. It’s no skin off my nose if you don’t bring your kids up in an optimal way. And yes, I’m being nasty now because you’ve been nothing but nasty and foul - demanding I justify my choices, insisting I work less hard when you don’t know me, insulting my husband. Piss off.

@5128gap

The hill to die on is men not varying parenting enough to be sahp and go part time