To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

Someone has to work - we aren’t rich enough to have neither of us work outside the home, unfortunately. And I have never said he doesn’t do any parenting - it’s not me with the husband refusing to do night feeds, after all.

@ForestFae

So you're ok with your oh being a nasty Capitalist when it suits?

He doesn't do enough parenting.

According to your judgement of wp on this thread.

Ah we’re back to the old “but you have an iPhone, checkmate commies!” People have to live in the society we have. Saying you can’t criticise it unless you somehow manage to live completely outside of it is absurd.

Not true. My kids have one parent that is with them. They don’t need two parents, all of the time but keep trying to make yourself feel better.

@ForestFae

They dont need two parents?

Does your oh know you value him has much as he values you?!

Imagine claiming to want to live like a 13th century peasant and still having an iPhone lol 😆 😂

No one said you had to completely disregard the system but to judge others for doing the same as you (living in the system we have) is silly and hypocritical at best.

And again, I dont need to make myself feel better. I'm perfectly happy with my choice to parent equally and 2 value both working and parenting.

Both of us agree kids don’t need two of us there all the time. Both of us agree we would prefer to have two parents there all the time. Both of us agree it’s not possible at the moment.

This is what you sound like, by the way.

@Topgub yes it's interesting how work takes on a completely definition depending on who's doing it and when they're doing it!

Working mothers = sad victims of capitalism who are just a statistic

Working fathers = noble people sacrificing themselves on the altar of capitalism to facilitate their partner not working (except- hold on - it's being the SAHM which is so intense, demanding and difficult!)

SAHM who home educate and want total control over every aspect of their child tens lives = obviously had a hugely important stimulating career prior to seeing the light.

Honestly, you couldn't make it up

You can misrepresent what I’ve said and make all the incorrect assumptions you want about me, it won’t change your reality or mine. I hope you’re as happy with yours as you want me to believe.

@missdemeanors

Right?!

My DH is a pilot. He can’t be going to work with no sleep, if he does he has to declare himself unfit to fly. We split it when the kids were babies. He did the nights when he wasn’t working the next day, (usually 2/7). I did the rest as I was on Mat leave.

I also don’t think it matters whether the mother or the father is the SAHP, it’s just usually women which is why I worded it as husbands not doing the night feeds. It applies to any working women refusing to do them too.

@ForestFae

Your cartoon doesn't make sense.

You obviously can't debate your own arguments.

I wouldnt ever have an iPhone or any apple products because of their horrendous practices

It is possible to have some ideals and stick to them even in the society we live in

Not just when it suits us to judge others

Of course it is. My point is people ways expect anyone criticising them status quo to be some sort of paragon of virtue and to somehow be able to completely extract themselves from the system they have to live in, which is almost impossible. It’s just a silencing tactic.

I think this is my evenings entertainment now! 😂

(Obviously now my neglected children are in bed having no idea what I've fed them/done with them/24 media access to non age appropriate content because I chose to work)

Ahhhh, going to try and join in the online equivalent of a group bullying someone for having a different view? I’ve said it before, MN is like mean girls but for wine mums.

@ForestFae

How are you silenced?

You could argue how its ok for you to judge working mums but not your oh?

@ForestFae

You're not being bullied.

You're being disagreed with.

Youve been incredibly personal to me for no real reason.

Are you a mean girl? Are you bullying me?

We're not the ones raging OP. Can't be a happy emotion to feel, especially about things which should have zero impact on your life

That tactic is used to silence. It’s like how people criticised Greta Thunberg when she was sitting on an expensive chair. It’s ridiculous and done to deflect from the message.

When have I ever claimed a child needs 2 parents with them all the time?

i haven’t said anything personal about you, you have about me plenty of times though. And about my husband. You are also the one who started this whole thread derailment, which wasn’t what the OP was about. You’re disingenuous.

you think me finding a phrase annoying means I spend my entire life angry? Lol

@ForestFae

No one is silencing you.

No one jas claimed a child needs both parents all the time.

I'm just asking you why you think its ok for your oh to work but not others?

You still haven't given a single example of anything you do that I, a working parent, doesn't do BTW.

And ho is the one stating a whole thread to judge people with different circumstances! Honestly, you are one of the most hypocritical posters I've encountered on MN. It has got to an amusing point now.

@ForestFae

Yes you have, you've called me unhinged, said I've got a chip on my shoulder etc etc.

Saying your oh doesn't value parenting or he'd be doing it isn't personal lol

I really think this totally depends on people's individual circumstances but agree that having a "blanket rule" that the working party never has to deal with broken nights isn't right. I think it completely depends on what job they do, whether they work from home, how much sleep both people need to maintain reasonable mental health and how high maintenance your baby is. Some people have easy-going babies who will sleep during the day and allow you to get some rest. Some really don't and it does make a difference. It IS work to be the one looking after a baby at home and in many cases, I'd wager that it's certainly more full on than most jobs. You're literally "on" all the time and have to be responsive to the needs of a completely helpless little person. It is often overwhelming and utterly exhausting and is absolutely, 100% work. In fact, if you're a nanny or childminder, it's your job. If you're on Mat Leave, it's still your job, you're just not being paid. Anything to do with childcare is on you during work hours for your working partner but once they're home, it's fair to share the load, especially if you have a baby who doesn't nap or only naps for thirty minutes or who is very high maintenance. It doesn't give me the rage that families can choose and that some choose to have the non-working party doing all the night feeds but it does annoy me that some men think they're entitled to this regardless of personal circumstances.

@ForestFae

What is the thread about if not valuing wp?