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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

614 replies

ForestFae · 10/06/2022 16:32

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 11/06/2022 16:38

Oh sorry not angry, just hate it.

tiggergoesbounce · 11/06/2022 16:48

I cannot believe women are still having this same argument about WOHP and SAHP and dragging eachother down over it.

There are Pros and Cons to both amd people have different priorities, these will be different based on the individual circumstance.

Providing it is an informed choice, be happy we have the privilege to access those choices.

5128gap · 11/06/2022 16:54

ForestFae · 11/06/2022 16:21

Also I love how this wasn’t what the thread was about but instead I’ve got people demanding I justify why I think being a SAHP is more beneficial for my kids.

Not at all. No one is disputing your right to consider being a SAHP best for your family, and the only people qualified to agree or disagree with you will, in time, be your children. Where I think you go too far is in the argument the role is valuable to society, and in your desire for other women to agree that its more difficult than paid work when thsts not everyone's experience at all. I don't know why someone so confident in their choices needs them validated.

missdemeanors · 11/06/2022 17:14

As an old 'un, I had my babies years ago so they and the friends they grew up with are in their 20s, 30s and early 40s. I saw the whole spectrum among my mum friends, from those who waltzed back into work full time after 3 months, to those who stayed at home pretty much permanently after having kids and home educated them, to those who returned to part time work...
It's refreshing to see that there is absolutely no sign that any particular group of children has been advantaged or disadvantaged by having SAHP/ WOHP. Raising children well is about so much more than whether a parent works or not. It really is.

Thethuthinang · 11/06/2022 17:15

It made sense for us. Breastfeeding, and DH has an hour commute to work in heavy traffic. He didn't need to be falling asleep at the wheel.

bringincrazyback · 11/06/2022 17:28

Of course the parent at home (whether male or female) is doing valuable work, but to address some of the remarks pps have made, imo it's not unreasonable for the main breadwinner in a partnership (whether male or female) to be able to prioritise rest.

Agree it shouldn't be a gender-driven expectation, though, and obviously if both partners are fitting childcare around a job the split of childcare needs to reflect that.

riesenrad · 11/06/2022 17:39

Not RTFT but I've seen this complaint on MN before. Each to their own, but if I can stay in bed, and DH has to get up at stupid o clock to go to work, I do the night feeds and he gets to stay in bed.

OK I had a baby who slept well and DH did the final evening feed, then went to bed, and there wasn't a "night" feed, ds woke around 7am. But had there been a night feed, I would have done it.

Nobody makes allowances for new dads at work.

By the time I went back to work it wasn't an issue as ds slept anyway, and he could hold a bottle so feed himself while I sorted myself out (no I didn't leave him on his own with the bottle before you ask!)

RamblingEclectic · 11/06/2022 17:47

Hate and rage are very strong emotions for this.

I can see frustration in the assumption that mothers will do everything at night, especially when their partners are working, and even more at how little consideration is made for mother's sleep often whether she is a SAHP or not, but hating and raging at women for describing their current situation? That's a bit much and I'm not sure aimed in a way that's going to do much.

My husband did a lot of other types of night care, but I did all night feeds because I breastfed, whether it was when he was the SAHP or when I was at home, we switched a lot during those years. This was all before he was working nights though - that would have made it pretty difficult for him to do night care when he wasn't physically present. Makes him great for night issues when he's home now though.

I’ve also done both and I definitely am able to to do more with my DC as a SAHP.

Probably because you're home educating. I do way more with my home educated 10 year old than I do with my school educated 12 year old, but I'm still equally parenting both. The younger one just has more play time.

Yes of course but it’s easier to know how you’re raising your child and to have influence over their upbringing as a SAHP. I get to know exactly what they’re eating, what media they’re exposed to, what education they receive, just to name a few examples. As a WOHP you have to put your trust in someone else that they’re doing it the way you want them to.

School educating parents are also putting their trust in someone else as are all of us who use external activities or have other adults in our lives who do things with our kids. I trust my lodger to do things the way I went them when I'm not in the room with them. I trust my husband to do the same.

Really, few SAHP I think could or would even want to claim they they know exactly what their kids are eating (even when they've eaten random things off the floor?), all the media my kids are exposed to (at rate my kids read, I'd never keep up with that or they'd be miserable stuck with ones I've read and missing out on a lot), I'm all for my kids learning on their own and we can never control how their learning sticks or their interpretations. I've definitely had a child who took a very different look to something based on my explanation.

I can see the advantages in not having to trust care to someone you don't know before a child can communicate well, that played a role in my home educating for primary, but not in knowing everything and definitely not in assuming my kids are going to turn out well for always having had at least one parent at home. I mean, my siblings and I had a SAHM all our lives when my brother committed a felony at 16. Really, I look at my kids' friends and I can't tell who has an at-home parent and who doesn't.

We all take the advantages of the life choices we make, we can't assume those look like advantages to anyone else, whether it's being an at-home parent or doing all the night feeds. I found breastfeeding at night had a lot of advantages, particularly once we'd learn how to do it while lying down.

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:27

@ForestFae

For the 10th time. I dont work mon to Fri.

I wasn't limited to 'the weekend'

I took them lots of places and did lots of things with them during the week

Your very limited view of work is obviously clouding your perception and limiting your understanding of what I'm saying

But instead of accusing ke of having a chip or being resentful (still not sure of what) you could maybe actually listen to what I'm saying

You might find it helpful

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:30

@ForestFae

Working is hard in a different way to being a SAHP but it’s not anywhere near as intense.

Its clear youve never really worked. But that doesn't make everyone telling you work is harder than being a sahm wrong

It just makes you uninformed and obviously insecure

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:33

@ForestFae

get annoyed by it because I think it undervalues what mothers do

Yet you've spent the thread under valuing what working mothers do

ForestFae · 11/06/2022 18:33

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:30

@ForestFae

Working is hard in a different way to being a SAHP but it’s not anywhere near as intense.

Its clear youve never really worked. But that doesn't make everyone telling you work is harder than being a sahm wrong

It just makes you uninformed and obviously insecure

You’d be wrong, I’ve worked in several jobs, of varying levels.

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Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:41

@ForestFae

often gets dumped on women without any actual support in place

You do realise being a sahm is just reinforcing this?

Continuing the belief that childcare is womens work that only women should do?

ForestFae · 11/06/2022 18:42

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:41

@ForestFae

often gets dumped on women without any actual support in place

You do realise being a sahm is just reinforcing this?

Continuing the belief that childcare is womens work that only women should do?

I don’t see anything less valuable about “women’s work” though. And actually, when more women were SAHMs, there was more of a support system as there would often be several other SAHMs in your street and local area. So personally, I don’t think that this girlbossing type of feminism has benefited many people and certainly not families but that’s a controversial opinion on mumsnet,

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Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:48

@loudsnoringcat

young children will generally benefit from spending the majority of their waking hours with a parent, who loves them and is instinctively tuned into them,

You can achieve that and work

We do

missdemeanors · 11/06/2022 18:52

But no one on the thread has said 'women's work' isn't valued! In fact many of us have reiterated the point that if a woman chooses to take on all, or most, of the child and domestic related tasks, it should be because she herself, and the earning partner, believe in its worth.

The bit that's unclear is now and why you feel 'society' should value it.

Society should certainly recognise the worth of good parenting - but that's a different issue and as has been explained numerous times, good parenting comes in many forms, in families with two or one parent working.

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:54

@ForestFae

Kids in schools and nurseries can end up learning to be absolute little terrors to each other

Oh dear

Your pretence at not judging working parents or thinking your way is better is slipping

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:57

@ForestFae

Funny how men are ok with trusting their ohs to raise their kids and work for neo capitalism

ForestFae · 11/06/2022 19:00

Topgub · 11/06/2022 18:57

@ForestFae

Funny how men are ok with trusting their ohs to raise their kids and work for neo capitalism

?
I’m not okay with capitalism when it’s men doing it either, I think society should be set up completely differently. Plenty of men are also anti capitalist.

OP posts:
Topgub · 11/06/2022 19:01

@ForestFae

I dont see womens work as less valuable either.

Precisely why I expect my oh to do it too. And don't jealously hoard it while telling him to go be a good Capitalist

Topgub · 11/06/2022 19:03

@ForestFae

My kids benefit massively from me being a girl boss.

Much more than they ever would by continuing the staus quo of allowing a dad boss

ForestFae · 11/06/2022 19:07

Topgub · 11/06/2022 19:03

@ForestFae

My kids benefit massively from me being a girl boss.

Much more than they ever would by continuing the staus quo of allowing a dad boss

You clearly think that work is something liberating, somehow. So many people are socialised to believe that and it’s pretty sad in my opinion.

OP posts:
ForestFae · 11/06/2022 19:08

Topgub · 11/06/2022 19:01

@ForestFae

I dont see womens work as less valuable either.

Precisely why I expect my oh to do it too. And don't jealously hoard it while telling him to go be a good Capitalist

My DH, when he isn’t at work, does equal amounts of cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. At the evenings and weekends it’s fairly evenly split. So I don’t “hoard” anything. You are completely unhinged.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 11/06/2022 19:08

Being able to pay your own way in life rather than relying on someone elses money is very liberating.

ForestFae · 11/06/2022 19:11

Simonjt · 11/06/2022 19:08

Being able to pay your own way in life rather than relying on someone elses money is very liberating.

Giving your body, soul and youth to work for some faceless corporation that sees you as a statistic isn’t liberation, it’s exploitation.

OP posts: